My past. Part 1

Okay quick side note. Not sure if anyone even cares but if maybe someone does. In my ignorance I had no idea that my comments were restricted. Now anyone can comment, that was my intention from the beginning I just didn't know I had to push a button to make it so.

So I figured I owe a little explanation of how I got to be the way I am. This will not be a fun journey but something I need to do as much for myself as I do for readers to understand me. I have my emo music playing in the background. (currently I am using Pandora, and ironically New Found Glory just came on... talk about teen aged angst in music)

So guy next door from the start. I guess I have to start in 3rd grade which is weird but anyways went on vacation with family friends and this kid and I shared a room and we did the normal curious stuff like look at each other and one day showered together (okay I'm not sure how normal that is, but it happened). Anyways from there my life went on and fast forward to 8th grade and this kid and I go to different schools but still talk occasionally. One day he IM's me (oh the days of aim) and we are just shooting the 8th grade shit and he brings up what happened on our vacation and then asks if I want to do it again. I emphatically deny any want to do that again (lie) and move on.

At the same time I start dating my first (of 2) serious girlfriend. We started dating in 8th grade which is crazy but were dating through junior year of high school and then had some major weak moments of getting back together our senior year into freshmen year of college. I will refer to her as GF1.

The reason GF1 and I became so close is that middle school was a horrible time for me. I hate those two years of my life more than anything. I know a lot of people hate middle school, but I HATED it, to the point of almost taking my life because I was being bullied and hated how awkward I was. (Weird side bar but GF1 just texted me, its like she knew I was talking about her, we are trying to get together while I am home) Anyways GF1 is part of the reason I am still here and we were friends and the whole time I was desperately in 8th grade love with her and eventually I charmed her into falling for me too. We are still close and I still talk to her every week or so, we trade black out stories and talk about our lives but she has no idea about this side of me.

That comes to my last part of this post and part of the reason I am in the closet. People have questioned me before about my sexuality. Part of the bullying was calling me gay, and part was cause I was just an obnoxious child. (I have calmed down a lot since then) Anyway this teasing and questioning has always been met with denial from me. I don't know if everyone believes me but as of now I am not comfortable with people knowing about me so I am working on it.

So here is the start of my story. This part was really nothing, check back tomorrow for High School, the best four years of being trapped in the closet. For now I leave you with this tune from my youth. Have a good one guys.

Music to my ears

My ipod has the oddest collection of music. I have everything from rock to pop to rap to classical to show tunes (fits right?) to country. But the constant theme of this music is sadness. My top 25 played songs reads like a teenagers emo mix cd.

I use music to express my emotions all the time and for some reason those just usually happen to be really dark or moody songs. Dashboard Confessional and other groups like that take me to a place where I can just scream out lyrics to release the frustration I am feeling. Last night for instance my parents and I got into a heated discussion about my future and what I am going to do and I just got into my car and was headed to a friends house but took an extremely long route so I could listen to music and have a good release of everything I was feeling at that moment. And my ipod was on shuffle but it played a couple great songs for me to just listen to and calm down.

Maybe it is because of the situation I am in, and because before this blog I had no real release of a lot of the things I have felt and am feeling I have come to rely on music. So I am using this post to ask the few people who do read this to recommend some good tunes to jam out to in the car. For me there is a certain volume level that is just perfect when I am into a good song, its loud enough to kind of feel the music coming from the speakers on both sides of your car but not so freaking loud you can't hear yourself think. That being said I have been known to turn it up and just lose myself in the song. One of those song I do that too all the time is Eve 6's Girlfriend. You can check it out by clicking on that link, and I know it is an odd message for a blog about my bisexual tendencies but the emptiness that I feel in that song is something I can really relate to.

Anyways feel free to send me your ideas guys I am going to listen to some emo music and work out. I know it seems unnatural but it is what I do. Oh another great song to listen to is Sia's Breath Me. You may recognize it from coke's commercials during the Winter Olympics, but then again maybe not because few people love the Olympics or coke as much as I do.

Anyways guys have a good one and lets all hope we can find a guy to listen to music with like one of these two.

Happy New Year

Just a quickie to wish all of you in blog land a Happy New Year. I feel like I was hit by a truck today so I have just been lounging around watching football. I am pissed Penn St lost. I don't go there but I like Joe Pa and think Urban Meyer is a prick.

Two quick things, I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and catching up their old posts and I can't remember who but someone was talking about how to know when guys are interested and where to look. The gym was a huge theme and then this eye contact thing. I have been testing the waters with the eye contact a little bit but nothing has really come of it.

My other thing was last night I was out with my friends for NYE. We were bar hopping and we get to the 4th bar or so and where we spent midnight so we go get drinks. We are leaving the bar area and walking back into the seating area which was more like a high school dance with tons of people packed into it and a DJ with lights going then a restaurant. Anyways we are walking through the door way and this guy grabs my ass while we walk by. It was weird I had turned to look back at my friends because they were lagging and he just reached out and grabbed it and then I turned back, sort of glared at him and walked away. (he was rather good looking, but I can't blow my "cover" with my friends) None of my friends saw and I of course like a drunk idiot later circled the bar we were at looking for him... to do what I don't know but I was drunk so I wasn't thinking things out.

Anyways thought I would share while I sit here recovering from a wild night that ended with my sleeping on a floor.

Also, I like hearing from readers so feel free to email me guys. It is nice to know people are out there dealing with this too and hearing your stories as well.
snowsportsguy34@gmail.com

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Hey guys.
So Christmas is over, the new year is almost here and I have been pretty busy. I did a lot of family stuff and have more family coming to visit soon but along with that I have been hanging out with friends, watching college football, hitting up some after Christmas sales, and then a lot of laying around.

But besides my general laziness I have also hooked up twice since getting home.  One of the guys was in the Military, hence the title of this post. I feel like my break could be very full of sex. But I also made the title of this post Don't Ask, Don't Tell for a couple other reasons. First off because there is a semi big part of my life that I have left out of my blog until right now. But I am currently in a committed relationship with a girl. It has been going on for a while now and we are happy and I enjoy the sex but I find myself thinking about sex with guys a lot. So now I am home and taking a little personal time to enjoy it. In my heart I know that this girl and I are not going to be together after I graduate because we are going different places but we are in the same group of friends at school and even if we broke up we would probably still hook up so I might as well ride that out until May.

Alright well there you go. I have a girlfriend, but have sex with guys on the side. I wasn't sure I was going to talk about my life as a perceived straight guy on here but after reading a lot of blogs that balance it well I decided to give it a try.

So my two hook ups. The first one was pretty bland. Met this guy and ended up going over to his place. He was pretty normal and pretty good looking. It was fine, put a movie on and then ended up fooling around. We didn't bone and after we got off, I got out of there. That is my usual MO.

The second guy, we will call him Sarge(I have no idea what rank he actually was). Anyways this did not go as well as planned. I went over to his place, and we just got right down to it. ( I don't really mind, I am a busy guy) But we are fooling around and he takes off his pants and the thickest member I have seen was hanging between his legs. We keep going and in the back of my mind I am hoping sarge will be like the last guy and just want to fool around but of course 10 mins later he is asking if I want to get fucked. I was horny and have done it before so we try and it is fucking painful but I am not a quitter, or at least until this point in my life I was not but I am considering taking up the practice as my new years resolution. Anyways after a while he finally pulls out and I finish him off. I had finished a while before him and then we showered to clean up. As I said about the previous guy I am more of the cut and run type but that didn't happen this time, he wanted to lay down so I did and then he started asking if I had ever dated a guy and in my mind I am freaking out at this point cause it seems he liked me so I talked for a few mins and then got out of there.

Now it is New Years Eve and my friends and I don't have set plans. Fucking procrastination. Anyways I gotta run and try and find something to do tonight. Hope you all have a great New Years celebration and I look forward rambling in the near future for all of you to read. 

Christmas Eve

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday and I love being able to spend time with my friends and family at home. This year is awesome because I have not been home this long without anything to do since freshmen year. So senior year, last real extended break I will ever have and I am making the most of it. I have been going out with friends every night and hanging with my family during the day. The tree is slowly filling with presents and in a few hours our family friends will all come over and the booze will start flowing.

As fun as all this will be, starting this blog and reading what other people have been saying has been making me think. I am just rather unsure of who I am and what I want out of life. I have the dream of getting married to the perfect girl, having two kids, and someday having my own Christmas like the one my parents have created. But then I have this creeping feeling inside of me that while that would be fulfilling part of me would be wandering.

I have not talked about how I truly feel on here yet but I will in the next couple weeks. Especially after the new year when I have nothing to do. But a basic run down is I am sexually attracted to both males and females but have only ever felt an emotional connection to a girl. Got pretty close once with a guy but he was a tool and hooking up with friends behind closed doors hardly ever works out I can imagine.

Anyways I have a ton of stuff going through my head but in all I just wanted to wish whoever reads this a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Bros vs Guys looking for more.

I am home from school and having a blast. I just got in from a night out with friends and I just wanted to post that 1. I made it through the hell of this semester 2. I am home and plan on updating a lot over break (get pumped 3 followers). 3. And this was my main point, I was out at the bar and I don't get it, once and a while I will catch a guy (usually a bro looking guy) looking at me more so than most people. And I'll admit the guy tonight I was looking at too, but mostly cause he just because he happened to be between two of my friends so when I looked off into the bar he happened to be in my eye line. He was pretty good looking but I caught him looking at me more than a few times and I was off his side so maybe he felt me looking at him or maybe he was looking at me. Anyways I just wanted to update. I'm gonna go take care of some personal business if you know what I mean. Look for more in the coming days.

Bitching about the weather and some seasons greetings.

It is freezing out and all I want to do is sit by a fire and watch sports center. But that will come soon enough. I am almost done with my finals and then I am going to put in a few long days at work to make some extra cash before I head home for the rest of break. Then I will be able to sleep in and enjoy my break. But after the holidays are over break is going to be one huge job search. At least I will have some time off school and work to apply places.

Anyways my other big plan  over break is to do a lot of blogging. Get a lot of my thoughts out of my head and here for people to read. I have been reading a lot of other guys blogs and there is a lot of stuff I want to put into words from my past and just things that go through my head.

Maybe if I am lucky I'll get to go skiing over break too. I fucking love winter sports, as long as it's a nice day when I am on the mountain. If I am really lucky I will see a guy like the one below. Also guys (to the people who actually read this, and my 1 current follower) feel free to e-mail me at snowsportsguy34@gmail.com

Hope everyone is looking forward to the holiday season.

Winding down

So my second to last semester of college is winding down. I can't believe how fast these four years have gone but all I can do now is enjoy the time I have left. I have enjoyed every second of college. I work pretty hard to get good grades, have a job that I work at a ton and then I go out even harder. This past weekend was a blur of going out one night to a bar with some friends and then randomly post gaming at a neighbors apartment till 3:30 before working all day Saturday followed directly by an ugly sweater party at some of my buddies place.

I realized I never posted about my thanksgiving break story which is odd with winter break right around the corner (and as I write this only 5 people have been to my blog so honestly no one is really dying to know right now.) But anyways over Thanksgiving break I went home and I live in the suburbs of a rather big city so we have a really active craigslist, but the times I have posted on there have mostly not gone as planned. I posted this summer and got some creepers but one guy seemed cool. A real guy, not fem, in shape, cool and a little older, but it never worked out. So I e-mail him over break and see whats up. He invited me over so I go over thinking this guy is a littler older and a little bigger than me. He wasn't lying about his age but the photo's he sent may have been of his body in college and he may have let himself go a little since then. I don't really care I just wish people could be honest, you think you have an 8 but its really a 5.5 when you get there. But one plus this guy had was a really thick member, so we started talking for a while and we had a lot in common with sports teams we liked and we both hate our town's nfl team cause they suck. We started fooling around and it ended up with him wanting to top me. It had been a long time since I had done this but I was horny and said okay. Which ended up being rather embarrassing because I only was able to take it for a min or two before I busted. After that I wanted to get out of there but I hung around for a little while. I felt bad cause he didn't get off but he couldn't stay up that well and I was feeling uncomfortable so he told me I could leave. I felt bad but took the opportunity. Anyways that's it for now. Ill write more soon hopefully. Finals and work are keeping me pretty busy but I am finding that writing about some of this helps me organize my thoughts.