Okay, I am taking a little break from my history (I'm back at school now and plan on posting my college posts once I am really back in the school mindset) and I want to talk about my family for a little bit. My parents are awesome, I couldn't ask for better parents. They have given me just the right amount of freedom but are still involved in my life and talk to me about everything. (almost everything) They don't hover or constantly ask about grades but they keep me on track. They also provide just enough financial support for me work hard at my job and support the lifestyle I like. (my lifestyle is a future post, I already started it but I think this post is important)
I have read a couple other blogs where guys have talked about their relationships with their parents and I feel really selfish for not telling my parents, but I just don't feel comfortable doing it and maybe one day but for now I am keeping them in the dark. They would still love me and treat me no differently but I just don't want to tell them. My other issue with telling them is my whole troubling past and the therapy I went through, I denied my sexuality outright. I was emphatic that I was not gay or bisexual, but I know they would understand as that was years ago but it still leaves me feeling guilty. And while my parents and sister would be totally fine with it, I know my extended family would not, and my extended family is a big part of my life. Wow, after putting that in writing I feel like I am limiting myself for my family, but I really don't feel like I am. This is a personal decision and this is what I am going with for now.
As for my relationship with my parents individually, things couldn't be better. My dad and I talk almost everyday, sometimes for longer and other times for only a couple minutes but it happens almost every single day. We just call each other to check in, see what is up and bounce ideas off each other. I talk to him about issues with friends and the girl I am seeing, and he talks to me about work and my sister (we don't talk that much, also a post of its own someday) and sports. Now that college football is over I am not sure what we will do because we talked smack about each others schools a lot. (I have a huge family history with a university at home and I didn't even apply, that was an awkward Thanksgiving with my grandparents but I am at the right school for me) As for my Mom, she is pretty busy and it is harder to get her on the phone but I talk to her one to two times a week and when I am home I talk to her all the time. My relationship with them is one of the things that is drawing me home after I graduate (not to live on their couch, but to the area I grew up in, I can't live at home again)
I couldn't ask for better parents, I really couldn't but I also just don't see myself telling them about this side of me. I don't know why, but I don't want anything to change between us or to develop a strained relationship with my father that some of the guys who blog have. I guess I will have to figure me out and then figure out my relationships from there.
As for a song for this post I chose Linkin Park because my parents love these guys ("My mom is a 'cool' mom, not a regular mom" sorry couldn't resist the mean girls quote, and the bi sexual in me comes out) along with a lot of other great bands, but the lyrics to this song are really fitting.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Can't let it go.
After a day of not moving for about 8 hours the last of my friends cleared out of my house at about 8:30 last night. We spent the day hanging out, eating, and watching TV. (I did not get to watch the Seahawk game, but I just want to say that them winning shut a lot of people up, including my friends who are Giants fans, I understand they had a losing record but divisions are divisions) Anyways I was a little stir crazy from not moving the entire day so I showered and jumped in the car to go to GF1's party. It is a little far from my house but I told her I would stop by earlier in the week when we ran into each other so as a man of my word I drove out there.
Seeing as we went to different high schools and that some of her friends go to school pretty close to home I only know about 3 people at this party when I get there. I talk to these three people and then sit down and have run out of things to do besides focus on the beer I have. People wanted to play drinking so GF1 was looking for cards and I offered to help so that I could remove myself from one large room of people I didn't really know. We go upstairs to look for them and I start to have major flash backs to that summer. I helped her look in a couple rooms but then she moves into the master bedroom and I go in but it was too weird to be back in that place with her (lot of good and a lot more bad memories of us in that room) Now I am in the mindset to think about that summer, and her, and I am drinking, so I am just wondering where this night will lead. We start playing a game and I get to know some people at the party so things are looking a little better.
Around 11:30 a couple people show up at the party and I look up and think to myself that the guy who just walked in looks really familiar and is pretty good looking and then the light bulb clicks. This is one of the other guys from that summer (and no not one I hooked up with, one GF1 got down and dirty with) And after that I just got pissed. Something about him being there and the fact that I was not as special to her. I knew they still talked and don't have anything against him personally but he fucked my ex and I wasn't really over her. Now as I write this I start to question if I am now, she has the ability to get to me to this day and it has been over 5 years since we last dated.
I guess my issue with GF1 is I can't totally let go of the past, when I write about college you will see there are some people I have completely let go of, but for some reason she sticks with me. Alright well the song for this post came on shuffle while I was driving home from her place and I love it so enjoy the song, if you made it to the end of the post that is.
Seeing as we went to different high schools and that some of her friends go to school pretty close to home I only know about 3 people at this party when I get there. I talk to these three people and then sit down and have run out of things to do besides focus on the beer I have. People wanted to play drinking so GF1 was looking for cards and I offered to help so that I could remove myself from one large room of people I didn't really know. We go upstairs to look for them and I start to have major flash backs to that summer. I helped her look in a couple rooms but then she moves into the master bedroom and I go in but it was too weird to be back in that place with her (lot of good and a lot more bad memories of us in that room) Now I am in the mindset to think about that summer, and her, and I am drinking, so I am just wondering where this night will lead. We start playing a game and I get to know some people at the party so things are looking a little better.
Around 11:30 a couple people show up at the party and I look up and think to myself that the guy who just walked in looks really familiar and is pretty good looking and then the light bulb clicks. This is one of the other guys from that summer (and no not one I hooked up with, one GF1 got down and dirty with) And after that I just got pissed. Something about him being there and the fact that I was not as special to her. I knew they still talked and don't have anything against him personally but he fucked my ex and I wasn't really over her. Now as I write this I start to question if I am now, she has the ability to get to me to this day and it has been over 5 years since we last dated.
I guess my issue with GF1 is I can't totally let go of the past, when I write about college you will see there are some people I have completely let go of, but for some reason she sticks with me. Alright well the song for this post came on shuffle while I was driving home from her place and I love it so enjoy the song, if you made it to the end of the post that is.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Last night out with friends
Went out last night with my friends from home. It was a good time and we had a ride home at the end of the night so we got a little wild. My friends and I were all drinking and the place we were at has more of an older crowd, not you typical 20 somethings hang out but we were all there so it was good. Anyways I was having a great time just getting drunk and loud as I normally do and then more friends show up, these guys were older than us in school but we all get back together over breaks and it is always good to see them every once and a while.
The reason I am posting this is that when my extended group of friends came Gym buddy came walking in. I don't know what it was, but seeing him really pissed me off. I think it is because of this blog and reliving all those events from our past. Him and I did not stop hanging out on a good note but have been civil when every gets together for years. I guess it was just me thinking about it and my frustration with him and me practically going back to him begging every time to let me hang out with him by the end. I am not that kind of person at all and so I was more mad at myself. Well at least my consolation is that he has let himself go and I think I look better than I did back then (I can be a tool, sorry).
Just had to get this off my chest, it was bothering me all night and I have had it on my mind. Hope you guys have a great day. My song for this post is one of my favorite things to run to DJ Milkman.
The reason I am posting this is that when my extended group of friends came Gym buddy came walking in. I don't know what it was, but seeing him really pissed me off. I think it is because of this blog and reliving all those events from our past. Him and I did not stop hanging out on a good note but have been civil when every gets together for years. I guess it was just me thinking about it and my frustration with him and me practically going back to him begging every time to let me hang out with him by the end. I am not that kind of person at all and so I was more mad at myself. Well at least my consolation is that he has let himself go and I think I look better than I did back then (I can be a tool, sorry).
Just had to get this off my chest, it was bothering me all night and I have had it on my mind. Hope you guys have a great day. My song for this post is one of my favorite things to run to DJ Milkman.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The summer before college
I want to start this post by saying I am not looking forward to going back to real life and school next week. Over break I have been going out every night with friends staying out till about one then I come home and dick around on the internet till about two, pass out and wake up around 10 or 11. More internet till I finally get up around noon and start my day. Once school starts I will be done with my first class at the time I have been getting up. Then throw work into the mix I am fucking busy. I will still have time for fun and I will for sure be making time to blog.
Anyways enough bitching about me going back to real life. But this is my last break ever really because I will graduate and hopefully be employed starting shortly after. To talk about this summer I first have to talk about how I picked my college, of the nine of us in my friendship group, six of us got into the same school and could have had a boy meets world situation going on where we all went together. This did not happen and I am glad it didn't because I still really enjoy my friends from high school, I am extremely close with them and this break has reaffirmed that they will be my best friends for a long time. (Man do I ramble sometimes) Anyways all of us ended up scattering around the country and I went to a school without anyone I really knew. I sort of knew a couple people on campus before hand and I hung out with them when I got there but I really made my own friends. Okay I am getting ahead of myself this is supposed to be the summer before college.
So I know that I am headed off to college in two months without anyone from home so this summer goes a little crazy. It starts with a huge party week at the beach, hence the guy I put on here. And I had actually forgotten this till I started writing but vacation buddy came back for that week because he knew a ton of people and he wasn't in my house but we met one night and got off on some back road in my car. (It's amazing what this blog is bringing to the front of my mind) I also fooled around with the girl of "my dreams" that same week. I had known Dream Girl as I will refer to her since elementary school and by high school there was a little tension there but nothing ever happened till we drank a bottle of liquor and rolled around on her bed in the house and just fooled around a little bit. It wasn't till we got back that we had sex in the back seat of my car. (My car has seen a lot of action) I have not seen her in years but I still think about her a lot, not sure why, we never dated and only hooked up those two times but she was "that girl" growing up and I guess I was infatuated with her and still am a little bit.
After I got back from the beach my summer took off, I was working part time and hanging out with my friends and then GF1 and started hanging out again. She was having almost weekly house parties and I would show up later in the night, she would be drunk, I would pound shots, we would hook up, get in a fight and I would end up sleeping in the basement or leaving. We still look back to that summer and wonder what the fuck was going on, if only people knew.
This was also the summer I found craigslist and during that summer I had better luck on there than I ever have. I met two different guys. The first we will call Tim. Tim had just moved here after graduating from College and was what I look for in a guy. Totally masculine, cool, easy to talk to, a little more built, and a little older. That has always been what i found attractive in a guy, a nice body and a few years on me. Anyways we started talking and I went up to the hotel he was staying at till he found a place and we hung out for a few hours until we finally fooled around for hours as well. He was the first guy I showered with, and if a guy has a nice body seeing those muscles wet is fucking awesome for me. Well the next week or so I went back and this time it sucked... he acted like fooling around with me and then fucking me was a favor and afterward told me to shower and hit the road. So that was that with Tim.
The next guy we will call Charlie. Charlie was closer to my age but was going to school and working at the same time and had a baller place in the city. He brought me over and we hung out there once, then we ended up getting hotel rooms two times to hang out. But he had some serious guilt issues and we stopped talking. He deleted me on facebook a few months ago, I only know cause I liked his job and would check up on him every once and a while but he was just a cool guy I could kick back with. (Sidenote here but it is really bothering me, I am listening to today's hits on pandora and it keeps playing christmas songs every once and a while. WTF. its January. Sorry had to get that out)
There were a couple other hook ups, both guy and girl. I went a little crazy. The first thing I did when I got to school was get tested, clean bill of health but cant be too safe. I always play safe but you get scared. The big things from this summer was I realized GF1 and I would not be ending up together, she is a great girl and I saw her last night when I was out with my friends but still she is a little much for me to handle at times. One thing I did battle with this summer was the guilt feeling after hanging out with a guy. I would get in my car to drive home and be overcome with a huge amount of guilt and disgust. Wish I had blogged back then to help deal with it. But I overcame it and had a good summer overall. I look back and feel like a huge man whore that summer because of what I was willing to do both with GF1 and others to get off but hey they call it growing up for a reason. Anyways this was again a rather long post. College is going to be broken up. I hope I find some time to do it, this has been like a cleanse. Yesterday I was out driving and actually drove by the hotel where Tim and I hung out and that is saying something cause its about 45 mins away and all I could think about was coming home and starting this post.
Okay last but not least is the song of that summer. This was a hard one, I got my laptop for college that summer and I looked through my itunes to figure out what I was listening to then and ended up with this song.
Anyways enough bitching about me going back to real life. But this is my last break ever really because I will graduate and hopefully be employed starting shortly after. To talk about this summer I first have to talk about how I picked my college, of the nine of us in my friendship group, six of us got into the same school and could have had a boy meets world situation going on where we all went together. This did not happen and I am glad it didn't because I still really enjoy my friends from high school, I am extremely close with them and this break has reaffirmed that they will be my best friends for a long time. (Man do I ramble sometimes) Anyways all of us ended up scattering around the country and I went to a school without anyone I really knew. I sort of knew a couple people on campus before hand and I hung out with them when I got there but I really made my own friends. Okay I am getting ahead of myself this is supposed to be the summer before college.
After I got back from the beach my summer took off, I was working part time and hanging out with my friends and then GF1 and started hanging out again. She was having almost weekly house parties and I would show up later in the night, she would be drunk, I would pound shots, we would hook up, get in a fight and I would end up sleeping in the basement or leaving. We still look back to that summer and wonder what the fuck was going on, if only people knew.
This was also the summer I found craigslist and during that summer I had better luck on there than I ever have. I met two different guys. The first we will call Tim. Tim had just moved here after graduating from College and was what I look for in a guy. Totally masculine, cool, easy to talk to, a little more built, and a little older. That has always been what i found attractive in a guy, a nice body and a few years on me. Anyways we started talking and I went up to the hotel he was staying at till he found a place and we hung out for a few hours until we finally fooled around for hours as well. He was the first guy I showered with, and if a guy has a nice body seeing those muscles wet is fucking awesome for me. Well the next week or so I went back and this time it sucked... he acted like fooling around with me and then fucking me was a favor and afterward told me to shower and hit the road. So that was that with Tim.
The next guy we will call Charlie. Charlie was closer to my age but was going to school and working at the same time and had a baller place in the city. He brought me over and we hung out there once, then we ended up getting hotel rooms two times to hang out. But he had some serious guilt issues and we stopped talking. He deleted me on facebook a few months ago, I only know cause I liked his job and would check up on him every once and a while but he was just a cool guy I could kick back with. (Sidenote here but it is really bothering me, I am listening to today's hits on pandora and it keeps playing christmas songs every once and a while. WTF. its January. Sorry had to get that out)
There were a couple other hook ups, both guy and girl. I went a little crazy. The first thing I did when I got to school was get tested, clean bill of health but cant be too safe. I always play safe but you get scared. The big things from this summer was I realized GF1 and I would not be ending up together, she is a great girl and I saw her last night when I was out with my friends but still she is a little much for me to handle at times. One thing I did battle with this summer was the guilt feeling after hanging out with a guy. I would get in my car to drive home and be overcome with a huge amount of guilt and disgust. Wish I had blogged back then to help deal with it. But I overcame it and had a good summer overall. I look back and feel like a huge man whore that summer because of what I was willing to do both with GF1 and others to get off but hey they call it growing up for a reason. Anyways this was again a rather long post. College is going to be broken up. I hope I find some time to do it, this has been like a cleanse. Yesterday I was out driving and actually drove by the hotel where Tim and I hung out and that is saying something cause its about 45 mins away and all I could think about was coming home and starting this post.
Okay last but not least is the song of that summer. This was a hard one, I got my laptop for college that summer and I looked through my itunes to figure out what I was listening to then and ended up with this song.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Part 2
I want to start by apologizing for the horrible writing in my posts. I am writing these as they pop into my head and I don't really want to go back over them and edit them. At school I feel like all I do is write papers and then spend hours editing them, I have not made the same kind of commitment to this blog. (sorry) But I hope you all are enjoying it now.
High School was awesome for me, but at the same time I had a huge internal conflict. And after reading other blogs a lot of other guys seem to have had similar experiences because of our situation. I only went to High School with maybe 20 kids from my middle school because of zoning which was the largest factor in me actually enjoying HS. I now have a class of over 600 kids to start fresh with, and that is just what I did, I made friends who were in a couple of my classes and by the first day had people to sit with at lunch so things were already looking up. GF1 and I didn't go to school together, but we would talk every day on AIM and the phone and on the weekend our parents would drive us to see each other. Things were going good for me and I just ignored that question about guys that was lingering up in the back of my mind.
So freshmen year went on and things were good except now I was seeing Vacation friend from my last post around school (he didn't go to my middle school) but I just ignore him and the thoughts in my head about being with both guys and girls. Well after about six months of not going to school together GF1 and I broke up, we had grown apart because of the no school things but this relationship was by no means over. I two other girls freshmen year but nothing major. And the year ended.
Sophomore year I got back with GF1 probably 3 times. We were each others closest friend and it was hard being apart but at times hard being together. (We are now really good friends and sometimes fall back into it, if you have read all my posts she is the one I made out with over thanksgiving break) Anyways sophomore year was a big year for this blog too because vacation friend IMed me one day while I happened to be jacking off and was talking to me about school and some other random shit and he brought it up again and he asked if I ever thought about what happened. I said yes and we ended up talking and then decided to meet in a park that was between our houses. So I walk there nervous as shit. We meet on a path in a pretty wooded area, and we end up in the woods and we blew each other. I was freaking out inside, it felt good, and he was good looking, played football and was popular, I was not sure how I felt. Anyways I went home and we ended up doing that somewhat frequently. This year also marked the year that I really started forming my close group of friends. It spanned 3 grade levels, and through this group I also started drinking and smoking. (I quit smoking a long time ago, but it is going to be relevant in a little bit)
Junior year was even better than sophomore and I could barely believe it. Vacation friend ended up leaving with his family before this year so that was gone and GF1 and I got back together for the last time. I till remember the night I lost my virginity to her, it was also the night I got my drivers license and we went to a random house party and did it on an office floor. How special. I don't regret it, the setting could have been better though. This year the friendship group changed and we continued to have a good time. GF1 and I broke up for the last real break up around Christmas that year and I just focused on grades for college and having a good time.
With vacation friend being gone my mind has really been clear of my bisexuality for a while but then GF1 and I broke up and I start to wander. In the end there was a guy in my group who friends of people I was friends with so we were not that close but we ended up belonging to the same gym. And after a while started going at the same time and then hanging out after we went to the gym. And then I was blowing him, and not just once, but a lot. I look back on this time with mixed emotions, he was an ass to me a lot and yet I came back for more and I would always get myself off afterwards. Anyways things got messy, people started to talk, so we stopped. Or so I thought.
This is soooo fucking long. I apologize, but only one year left. Senior year our group shrank and there were 9 of us in my grade who became extremely close, good mix of guys and girls and we did almost everything together or in smaller subsets of the group. I think I had maybe 2 classes that one of them wasn't in and that is just because I took AP classes they didn't. This year i was single the whole year and I made out with some girls at house parties but at the same time was getting off to bi porn at home and wondering what I was doing. This was not a phase and I clearly liked sex with both sexes. This year was stressful because of the picking colleges aspect of life and then just trying to make it live up to my amazing Junior year. In the end it did and I still get together with my core group of friends from high school every time I am home. During my search I went to visit gym buddies school and I wasn't staying with him but I ended up drunkenly meeting up with him and he popped my other cherry. This is much more of a regret but we learn from our past and I moved on.
Okay this post is hella long and I appologize for that. I am gonna do a shorter one tomorrow on just the summer before college because it was rather eventful. It involves all the people so far mentioned and with it being the shortest summer I have ever had almost everyday had something big going on. So now I leave you with a song from high school.
High School was awesome for me, but at the same time I had a huge internal conflict. And after reading other blogs a lot of other guys seem to have had similar experiences because of our situation. I only went to High School with maybe 20 kids from my middle school because of zoning which was the largest factor in me actually enjoying HS. I now have a class of over 600 kids to start fresh with, and that is just what I did, I made friends who were in a couple of my classes and by the first day had people to sit with at lunch so things were already looking up. GF1 and I didn't go to school together, but we would talk every day on AIM and the phone and on the weekend our parents would drive us to see each other. Things were going good for me and I just ignored that question about guys that was lingering up in the back of my mind.
So freshmen year went on and things were good except now I was seeing Vacation friend from my last post around school (he didn't go to my middle school) but I just ignore him and the thoughts in my head about being with both guys and girls. Well after about six months of not going to school together GF1 and I broke up, we had grown apart because of the no school things but this relationship was by no means over. I two other girls freshmen year but nothing major. And the year ended.
Sophomore year I got back with GF1 probably 3 times. We were each others closest friend and it was hard being apart but at times hard being together. (We are now really good friends and sometimes fall back into it, if you have read all my posts she is the one I made out with over thanksgiving break) Anyways sophomore year was a big year for this blog too because vacation friend IMed me one day while I happened to be jacking off and was talking to me about school and some other random shit and he brought it up again and he asked if I ever thought about what happened. I said yes and we ended up talking and then decided to meet in a park that was between our houses. So I walk there nervous as shit. We meet on a path in a pretty wooded area, and we end up in the woods and we blew each other. I was freaking out inside, it felt good, and he was good looking, played football and was popular, I was not sure how I felt. Anyways I went home and we ended up doing that somewhat frequently. This year also marked the year that I really started forming my close group of friends. It spanned 3 grade levels, and through this group I also started drinking and smoking. (I quit smoking a long time ago, but it is going to be relevant in a little bit)
Junior year was even better than sophomore and I could barely believe it. Vacation friend ended up leaving with his family before this year so that was gone and GF1 and I got back together for the last time. I till remember the night I lost my virginity to her, it was also the night I got my drivers license and we went to a random house party and did it on an office floor. How special. I don't regret it, the setting could have been better though. This year the friendship group changed and we continued to have a good time. GF1 and I broke up for the last real break up around Christmas that year and I just focused on grades for college and having a good time.
With vacation friend being gone my mind has really been clear of my bisexuality for a while but then GF1 and I broke up and I start to wander. In the end there was a guy in my group who friends of people I was friends with so we were not that close but we ended up belonging to the same gym. And after a while started going at the same time and then hanging out after we went to the gym. And then I was blowing him, and not just once, but a lot. I look back on this time with mixed emotions, he was an ass to me a lot and yet I came back for more and I would always get myself off afterwards. Anyways things got messy, people started to talk, so we stopped. Or so I thought.
This is soooo fucking long. I apologize, but only one year left. Senior year our group shrank and there were 9 of us in my grade who became extremely close, good mix of guys and girls and we did almost everything together or in smaller subsets of the group. I think I had maybe 2 classes that one of them wasn't in and that is just because I took AP classes they didn't. This year i was single the whole year and I made out with some girls at house parties but at the same time was getting off to bi porn at home and wondering what I was doing. This was not a phase and I clearly liked sex with both sexes. This year was stressful because of the picking colleges aspect of life and then just trying to make it live up to my amazing Junior year. In the end it did and I still get together with my core group of friends from high school every time I am home. During my search I went to visit gym buddies school and I wasn't staying with him but I ended up drunkenly meeting up with him and he popped my other cherry. This is much more of a regret but we learn from our past and I moved on.
Okay this post is hella long and I appologize for that. I am gonna do a shorter one tomorrow on just the summer before college because it was rather eventful. It involves all the people so far mentioned and with it being the shortest summer I have ever had almost everyday had something big going on. So now I leave you with a song from high school.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
My past. Part 1
Okay quick side note. Not sure if anyone even cares but if maybe someone does. In my ignorance I had no idea that my comments were restricted. Now anyone can comment, that was my intention from the beginning I just didn't know I had to push a button to make it so.
So I figured I owe a little explanation of how I got to be the way I am. This will not be a fun journey but something I need to do as much for myself as I do for readers to understand me. I have my emo music playing in the background. (currently I am using Pandora, and ironically New Found Glory just came on... talk about teen aged angst in music)
So guy next door from the start. I guess I have to start in 3rd grade which is weird but anyways went on vacation with family friends and this kid and I shared a room and we did the normal curious stuff like look at each other and one day showered together (okay I'm not sure how normal that is, but it happened). Anyways from there my life went on and fast forward to 8th grade and this kid and I go to different schools but still talk occasionally. One day he IM's me (oh the days of aim) and we are just shooting the 8th grade shit and he brings up what happened on our vacation and then asks if I want to do it again. I emphatically deny any want to do that again (lie) and move on.
At the same time I start dating my first (of 2) serious girlfriend. We started dating in 8th grade which is crazy but were dating through junior year of high school and then had some major weak moments of getting back together our senior year into freshmen year of college. I will refer to her as GF1.
The reason GF1 and I became so close is that middle school was a horrible time for me. I hate those two years of my life more than anything. I know a lot of people hate middle school, but I HATED it, to the point of almost taking my life because I was being bullied and hated how awkward I was. (Weird side bar but GF1 just texted me, its like she knew I was talking about her, we are trying to get together while I am home) Anyways GF1 is part of the reason I am still here and we were friends and the whole time I was desperately in 8th grade love with her and eventually I charmed her into falling for me too. We are still close and I still talk to her every week or so, we trade black out stories and talk about our lives but she has no idea about this side of me.
That comes to my last part of this post and part of the reason I am in the closet. People have questioned me before about my sexuality. Part of the bullying was calling me gay, and part was cause I was just an obnoxious child. (I have calmed down a lot since then) Anyway this teasing and questioning has always been met with denial from me. I don't know if everyone believes me but as of now I am not comfortable with people knowing about me so I am working on it.
So here is the start of my story. This part was really nothing, check back tomorrow for High School, the best four years of being trapped in the closet. For now I leave you with this tune from my youth. Have a good one guys.
So I figured I owe a little explanation of how I got to be the way I am. This will not be a fun journey but something I need to do as much for myself as I do for readers to understand me. I have my emo music playing in the background. (currently I am using Pandora, and ironically New Found Glory just came on... talk about teen aged angst in music)
So guy next door from the start. I guess I have to start in 3rd grade which is weird but anyways went on vacation with family friends and this kid and I shared a room and we did the normal curious stuff like look at each other and one day showered together (okay I'm not sure how normal that is, but it happened). Anyways from there my life went on and fast forward to 8th grade and this kid and I go to different schools but still talk occasionally. One day he IM's me (oh the days of aim) and we are just shooting the 8th grade shit and he brings up what happened on our vacation and then asks if I want to do it again. I emphatically deny any want to do that again (lie) and move on.
At the same time I start dating my first (of 2) serious girlfriend. We started dating in 8th grade which is crazy but were dating through junior year of high school and then had some major weak moments of getting back together our senior year into freshmen year of college. I will refer to her as GF1.
The reason GF1 and I became so close is that middle school was a horrible time for me. I hate those two years of my life more than anything. I know a lot of people hate middle school, but I HATED it, to the point of almost taking my life because I was being bullied and hated how awkward I was. (Weird side bar but GF1 just texted me, its like she knew I was talking about her, we are trying to get together while I am home) Anyways GF1 is part of the reason I am still here and we were friends and the whole time I was desperately in 8th grade love with her and eventually I charmed her into falling for me too. We are still close and I still talk to her every week or so, we trade black out stories and talk about our lives but she has no idea about this side of me.
That comes to my last part of this post and part of the reason I am in the closet. People have questioned me before about my sexuality. Part of the bullying was calling me gay, and part was cause I was just an obnoxious child. (I have calmed down a lot since then) Anyway this teasing and questioning has always been met with denial from me. I don't know if everyone believes me but as of now I am not comfortable with people knowing about me so I am working on it.
So here is the start of my story. This part was really nothing, check back tomorrow for High School, the best four years of being trapped in the closet. For now I leave you with this tune from my youth. Have a good one guys.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Music to my ears
I use music to express my emotions all the time and for some reason those just usually happen to be really dark or moody songs. Dashboard Confessional and other groups like that take me to a place where I can just scream out lyrics to release the frustration I am feeling. Last night for instance my parents and I got into a heated discussion about my future and what I am going to do and I just got into my car and was headed to a friends house but took an extremely long route so I could listen to music and have a good release of everything I was feeling at that moment. And my ipod was on shuffle but it played a couple great songs for me to just listen to and calm down.
Maybe it is because of the situation I am in, and because before this blog I had no real release of a lot of the things I have felt and am feeling I have come to rely on music. So I am using this post to ask the few people who do read this to recommend some good tunes to jam out to in the car. For me there is a certain volume level that is just perfect when I am into a good song, its loud enough to kind of feel the music coming from the speakers on both sides of your car but not so freaking loud you can't hear yourself think. That being said I have been known to turn it up and just lose myself in the song. One of those song I do that too all the time is Eve 6's Girlfriend. You can check it out by clicking on that link, and I know it is an odd message for a blog about my bisexual tendencies but the emptiness that I feel in that song is something I can really relate to.
Anyways feel free to send me your ideas guys I am going to listen to some emo music and work out. I know it seems unnatural but it is what I do. Oh another great song to listen to is Sia's Breath Me. You may recognize it from coke's commercials during the Winter Olympics, but then again maybe not because few people love the Olympics or coke as much as I do.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
Just a quickie to wish all of you in blog land a Happy New Year. I feel like I was hit by a truck today so I have just been lounging around watching football. I am pissed Penn St lost. I don't go there but I like Joe Pa and think Urban Meyer is a prick.
Two quick things, I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and catching up their old posts and I can't remember who but someone was talking about how to know when guys are interested and where to look. The gym was a huge theme and then this eye contact thing. I have been testing the waters with the eye contact a little bit but nothing has really come of it.
My other thing was last night I was out with my friends for NYE. We were bar hopping and we get to the 4th bar or so and where we spent midnight so we go get drinks. We are leaving the bar area and walking back into the seating area which was more like a high school dance with tons of people packed into it and a DJ with lights going then a restaurant. Anyways we are walking through the door way and this guy grabs my ass while we walk by. It was weird I had turned to look back at my friends because they were lagging and he just reached out and grabbed it and then I turned back, sort of glared at him and walked away. (he was rather good looking, but I can't blow my "cover" with my friends) None of my friends saw and I of course like a drunk idiot later circled the bar we were at looking for him... to do what I don't know but I was drunk so I wasn't thinking things out.
Anyways thought I would share while I sit here recovering from a wild night that ended with my sleeping on a floor.
Also, I like hearing from readers so feel free to email me guys. It is nice to know people are out there dealing with this too and hearing your stories as well.
snowsportsguy34@gmail.com
Two quick things, I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and catching up their old posts and I can't remember who but someone was talking about how to know when guys are interested and where to look. The gym was a huge theme and then this eye contact thing. I have been testing the waters with the eye contact a little bit but nothing has really come of it.
My other thing was last night I was out with my friends for NYE. We were bar hopping and we get to the 4th bar or so and where we spent midnight so we go get drinks. We are leaving the bar area and walking back into the seating area which was more like a high school dance with tons of people packed into it and a DJ with lights going then a restaurant. Anyways we are walking through the door way and this guy grabs my ass while we walk by. It was weird I had turned to look back at my friends because they were lagging and he just reached out and grabbed it and then I turned back, sort of glared at him and walked away. (he was rather good looking, but I can't blow my "cover" with my friends) None of my friends saw and I of course like a drunk idiot later circled the bar we were at looking for him... to do what I don't know but I was drunk so I wasn't thinking things out.
Anyways thought I would share while I sit here recovering from a wild night that ended with my sleeping on a floor.
Also, I like hearing from readers so feel free to email me guys. It is nice to know people are out there dealing with this too and hearing your stories as well.
snowsportsguy34@gmail.com
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