The Coworker

How on earth is it already Thursday?  I am just writing this as a quick update between classes but I still need to shower and get ready for work before my class so this is major crunch time.

I talked about my coworker before on here and named her Jen. (that is actually a horrible name for her, but I just made myself a cheat sheet of names so I am sticking with it) First thing is we actually don't work together anymore but we used to and that is how I met her. Anyways she is friends with a completely different group of people than my normal group of friends and I really enjoy hanging out with all of them.  The feel of that group is way different from my friends. Much more bro tastic guys and girls who wear heels and dresses out and they all rage hard all the time. That being said they are really cool people and I get along with her closet friends pretty well, a lot of them are in my major so since sophomore year I have become close with a lot them.

This difference between my friends and these guys has caused some tension in the past. Especially between GF2 and Jen and her friends. See my friends are the kind of people who don't care what other people thing, ever, and can be really juvenile. They love having theme parties, but only like 15 people come... I just don't see the point. I would rather go out with friends to a bar, watch sports, talk and just hang out then dress up like characters from the nineties and sit around with our close friends. And when they have these parties I usually come (almost always straight from work) and then leave after an hour or so to go out to a bar with other people. Bottom line here is if I am going to be in costume I want to be at a packed house party with tons of other people who look just as ridiculous as me and our parties do not offer that.

That was sort of a random tangent and I don't want to sound like an ass, but I do care what people thing of me, not just appearance but more so impressions. I am a goofy ass kid and have a good time and will get drunk and cause a ruckus but even I find my friends embarrassing at some points (also almost none of them work and can be cheap so they hate going out, I work hard and I like to go enjoy my money, sorry) Okay I am really going to talk about what I wanted to talk about now. After I met Jen it took a while for us to become friends but once we did I was one of the few people she really every opened up to. There are maybe three people on earth excluding her mother, and if her mother knew everything she did I think she would have a heart attack. But overtime we have grown to be extremely close and for a long time I had very strong feelings for her and she would flirt with me and when she got drunk it would be obvious she was flirting but I never made my move (may be my downfall here) and I always had to listen to all the issues she had with the guys who were coming and going in her life. I talked to her about girl issues I had and then had to make up a cover story when Jake left hickies on my neck and she saw them but that was all we really talked about for my sex life.

Anyways I started dating GF2 and didn't explicitly tell her, I told other people at work and she came up to me and was like who is this girl, do you even like her, gave me the grill about it. I answered and I did like her and she knew exactly who she was, she was just being a bitch about it for some reason and got all pissed I didn't come tell her. Well the flirting dies down, we hang out still and nothing is an issue, then I leave for the summer and we talk every once and a while and one night while drunk before her birthday and she said stuff like this:

"You're missing my birthday and I'm more sad about that than I think I've ever been sad about a lot of things in a really long time... and I can't do anything but understand I guess... but still it makes everything a little less great" and "I miss you already... a lot which makes me wonder how in the world I'm going to manage graduation." (yeah I kept the message, it was one of the only nice things she has really said to me, it is a teasing kind of relationship) Anyways I get back from the summer and low and behold she has a BF, and didn't tell me even though we had been talking on a pretty regular basis.

I was pissed, it wasn't my place to be, but I was and now flash forward to our last semester at school and her getting drunk and me having to take care of her on multiple occasions. Like walk her home, get her in bed, and say goodnight. One night she asked me to stay (her and the bf are over now) and I almost did, but I think it has something to do with how I truly do care about her and I don't want anything random to happen if something were to happen. We have talked about moving to a city somewhere together with one of our other friends but that seems like just talk. I wish it wasn't sometimes...

Alright well there is my story about the coworker. I wrote that because I am going to her place tonight to hangout and I have just had it all on my mind. Here is a song by a guy I really like and if you listen to the words he talks about the clatter between his ears. I have a lot of clatter right now. Anyways guys have a good one and thanks again for reading.

Close your eyes...

Yeah, I am drunk. It's Sunday.... say something. Anyways, I am headed to bed here in a min here at GF2's place but I just wanted to say that I have no idea where my life is going. I start this blog, shit hits the fan, I am figuring out a career, and my hormones, and my feelings. It can be overwhelming at times. I miss this past September where my college football team was going strong, I was having a great time at school, and didn't really have to deal with this.


I have always been a planner, and at every major juncture in life I could close my eyes and envision what I was looking for in the next chapter of my life. Going into high school I had my idea of what it would be like. Same with college, which is why I ended up where I am and not where most people expected me to go.  But now I face graduation, real life, its deep stuff, and I have no real set idea of what I will be doing, where I will be living, or what my life will be like. This whole issue becoming public has really made me think about my future, but it just as murky as before. I am pissed about that, I just want to figure this shit out. I applied for 3 more jobs today along with working my ass off at my job (okay I was texting a fellow blogger a lot too, but I did work pretty hard) but I still don't even know what I want to do.

Okay enough ramble for a drunken Sunday night. All I wish is that I knew what I wanted, from a lot of things. I need to learn to not stress about the future so much, but with everything that happened this weekend all I really wanted was to get out of here and be done. I am only two weeks into the semester but a guy can dream right? I will enjoy the end of my school days, trust me, but I just wish I wasn't so fucking apprehensive about the future.

Here is a song I love by a band I found on Pandora. Have a good one guys.

Update- Ups and Downs

I am sitting here getting ready for work and a lot has happened this weekend so I wanted to update you all. I am dealing with this better than I thought but I am still mad at myself and others. It is hard because GF2 deals with this pretty well but when it gets dragged out again she always gets upset (translate to I don't get any. Seriously thought how can I be thinking about that at a time like this, blame it on my age)

Now that this has all happened and I am using this blog as an outlet I feel like I need to get my college years story out there so you guys can understand. I will do that this week, but for now I will just talk about people as if you know who they are.  So after dealing with my situation with my best friend, I will call her Emily from now on, and getting really worked up Friday I got a lot of support from people. It was really nice to have people reach out to me. And I was feeling a little better and just got drunk and had a good time like nothing was bothering me. Got up the next morning and headed to work and low and behold who walks into where I work, BF1, who will now be named Jake. Jake comes in with his friends and I do not speak to him any more (long story, which one day I will write) so I avoid him and after finishing what I was doing I go to the back room and tell my co workers I just need a minute, they didn't  question me but the person I am closest with could tell something was bothering me but I played it off. That got me all worked up but I was texting a friend who I can talk to about all this and he calmed me down.

After that I was really looking forward to getting out of work and heading to the couple birthday parties I had last night. There is another story here about how GF2 and then a girl I used to work with do not get along, call her Jen, but Jen and I are really close and I take care of her like a big brother so that gets difficult. Anyways I go see Jen and end up taking her home and putting her in bed because she can't stand up and we almost end up making out. A few artful head dodges is all that saved me. ( I just decided I am going to write a post about all these people so I can sort out how I feel about them, I never realized I had so much to say till I started writing a blog). 

Anyways the big event last night was I finally had an open and honest conversation about how I feel with my closest roommate. He was totally supportive and we talked about a lot of things in my life and what is going on. We also talked about my other roommate who apparently has been telling anyone who asked, this is somewhat my fault but in the end is none of his business. He found out through a rare sequence of events and was the only friend who knew for a long time. But apparently the only conversation we ever had about it where I said I would talk about it when I am ready and for him to respect that and keep it to himself didn't set it. He tries to be caring and over break even sent me a facebook message about it, but after I found out he told the world, including people I do not like or need in my business I can barely stand to be in the same room with him.

Okay enough of this, I need to shower. So some things are looking up and I have had my first real conversation about it with one of my guy friends so that was a success. Everyone keeps pointing out that they have not treated me any different and I have great friends because they are all so accepting, and while this is true I am still pissed as hell about how this all went down and wish my business had stayed my business had stayed my business till I was ready.

quick edit- Go Packers. I can't watch the game but I hate the bears so I will be checking the score on my phone. 

Jokes on Me

I feel like I am in a black hole. I had lunch with the friend from my last post. Seems like she told a lot of people, who have now told other people. Anyways I guess I was the only one who didn't know that everyone knows I am bisexual. GF2 knows (this is a story in itself, involving the most awkward skype call of my life), but anyways I am just pissed and upset and feel betrayed. I am going to bed now and I am not sure when I will get back on here.

This was part of me that I wasn't ready to really tell people about, but I guess that doesn't really matter now. I will update you guys later on what happened, but for now I am just gonna sleep. I can't really explain how I feel. Do I just come all the way out? I don't know how GF2 would handle that. Do I just answer when people ask?  ... I don't know. I just want to go home right now and I just got back to school. And I feel like I would have to tell my family before anything drastic happens. I told two of my best friends and then now a lot of my friends know. Two of my roommates, a lot of people I hang out with. I just don't know what to do. Anyways I am going to retreat into my drunken stupor for the weekend. Have a good one guys.

thirst quenched

This is what I wrote last night, but when I went to post, my internet was not working. See my next post for a more realistic picture.

So I am home from a night on the town and rather drunk, but I wanted to follow up my post from earlier. Work was not horrible but I really will miss my boss. I talked to her almost the entire time I was there and got nothing done. She got a promotion and I am really happy for her but I can't help be a little sad she is leaving me. Okay that was work.

I went out with one of my best friends who kind of fucked me over last semester but that is a long story for my college posts. In the end she is one of two people I told about my bi sexual habit as we shall call it and between her and then BF1 and one of my roommates who found out through rather random circumstances I have been outed to a few people here. I don't really care, and the couple people who do know now have been really supportive. I wish I could be as accepting as they are. I dont know what it is, my parents would not have an issue with this and my friends would still be my friends, but I cant bring myself out of the fucking closet. Okay well this is as much drunk rambling as you guys get for the night. I have class at 9 am and have to get up and do an assignment beforehand. But I can promise I will be taking a long nap after class.

above average thirst

It's thirsty Thursday and today has been anything but normal/ fun for me and it is only 4 so tonight I will be seeking some liquid relief. Class started off normal and I was feeling surprisingly good for the amount of beer I consumed last night. Anyways I go to my class at 9 and I just start getting pissed. This is an upper level class in my major and our professor is talking to us like we are 10 year old kids that have never heard of any of these topics or heard of the comparative method. I know some people may be in their first upper level classes but still she talked to us like we were little kids with scraped knees. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest, it isn't the reason my day has been stressful.

My main job (the one that pays my drinking tab and for my books) is about to get very stressful, I have worked at the same place for 2 and a half years now, longer than anyone else there, and now my boss is leaving along with the only other person I get along with. My best friend at work quit earlier this month and her last day was my first one back from break. Now we have two new people who are going to transfer in above me and I am going to have to work with them (I know one of them pretty well, don't know the other) but a lot of things are going to fall on my shoulders. I know this because the Big Boss who made all these decisions called me today and told me he was counting on me to make this transition smooth and make sure everything works well. I set myself up for this. Last semester I was working 30+ hours a week at this job and busting my ass doing everything they asked me to with a full course load. This is my last semester and I wanted to take a backseat roll and kind of do my job, not bother anyone and be done in may. Now I have extra responsibility, no one who I like to work with, and no raise. I don't mean to bitch (actually that is all this is) but I can't quit because I do need money. I just wish I would get a job offer for after graduation and then I could tell these guys to blow me after spring break. Fingers crossed. I sent my resume to Mr. Plane so hopefully I still have enough karma to pull me through that. Alright I have to head to work but I just had to post.

In honor of me going out tonight, after I finish my homework for my 9 am class that is, I chose a song I will be raging to many a night this semester (my roommate is obsessed this song and he makes the play lists, I am not mad about this song being on the play list, I can't say that for all the songs)

Back in the swing of things

School is off and running for me and I am back at work at my job so I have completed the transformation from couch potato to hectic college student with not enough sleep and a little too much to drink the night before. Since getting back I have been busy trying to get my life in order for the semester and trying to figure out what is up with my and the girl. We shall from here on out call her GF2. I will eventually finish writing my college posts but for now I have some really random shit to get off my chest.

I don't know what the deal is with GF2, maybe all girls are like this but she loves to make out. Sometimes when we make out I get lucky and get my rocks off in one of many ways (that is about as graphic as this post will be, sorry to those looking for more) and other times we make out, and then eventually she will roll over and say she is tired and has to get up early (she does, but still). I don't get how girls can get all worked up and then just pass out. I am standing at full attention and sleep is not going to just happen. This happened last night and I ended up getting up and going into my TV room and just sitting there staring at the TV for a while (when I did pass out I had a sex dream about the main guy from community and GF2, it was weird, I don't even like that show, or find him that attractive). Another thing with her is she kinda sucks at making out (I sound like an ass) and it really bothers me, not to pat myself on the back but I have been told I am a good kisser, at least above average, but she just sucks. I am not going into detail so just take my word for it.

I think a lot of this is stemming from general frustration with the situation. In the past we have been much happier together (this has been on and off for over a year) but I am getting ready to graduate and she has grad school here where we go to school and I am just burnt out on living in a smaller college town and the lifestyle. I am ready to get back to a major city, and after break I really wouldn't mind moving close to where my parents are (not close as in their couch, but the general area) and she wants to stay close to her family who is from the area surrounding school when she does graduate.

Okay enough of my complaining, I wanted to do a little follow up for the 3 people who kept reading after those annoying paragraphs above this one. After my slightly buzzed post and talk with RJ I did a lot of thinking (not about why I took his advice, which he claimed I would in the morning) and really appreciate the comments you guys left. Anyways I am going to be more open minded and things have already started changing for me. I am a huge believer in Karma, or at least do something good and eventually something will balance that out for you. That morning after I woke up I was headed back to school and after some shenanigans at the airport with my flights it looked like they were going to have to rebook people, as a college student and I would really only be missing syllabus hand outs, I volunteered to be one of the people rebooked because at that time they were just kicking random people off the plane and a lady started crying. This was my good action and sometimes it takes a while for the reward, but this one only took about 15 mins.

A little background here, during our delay I saw a guy standing near my gate and I noticed that he was pretty good looking, dressed nicely (how you present yourself is big for me, probably more so than physical appearance) and a little taller than me (ahh that reminds me, RJ pointed out he thought I was some giant because of a comment I left on another blog, not true I am 6'1) anyways our flight got delayed again and I never saw him again. I didn't even see him board during the confusion when they plane was finally ready and thought nothing of it.

In the end they had no shows so I was on my original flight and they upgraded my seat AND I was sitting next to the guy I described up above. Turns out he is older than he looks but is really cool and him and I had a drink on the plane and just talked the entire time. He gave me his card to e-mail him because he had two job leads and he thought I was a good guy for both of them. So there you have it, give a little good, get way more in return. Nothing is going to happen with this guy but I got the feeling he may have been interested. He touched my arm a few times by the end of the flight and they lingered a little long for someone you just met. But he was a cool guy and I will take all the job help I can get. Anyways we have been e-mailing and once I get my resume done (today) I will send it off to him.

Sorry this dragged and I hope you all are having a great day. (more positive energy) Oh and the song has just been stuck in my head. Enjoy.

Being right handed

I am a little drunk right now as I write this and I was just talking to RJ of "Not so open and obvious" and he said something to me that really made me think. He told me that I can choose my sexuality as much as I can choose the fact that I am right handed. Accepting the truth of that is something that has been extremely hard for me, but I am working on it. Hence this blog where I write it all out. But this whole process has really helped me already to start sorting out my life and has exposed me to a whole different kind of gay guy.

I really have only ever seen gay guys like the one on Glee, or this one guy from my high school who was the star of Choir and now sings professionally. That is not me. I have certain things that may set me apart from your typical straight guy, but again RJ pointed out there is no typical straight or gay guy. We are all just guys and as I live my life I will come to meet all kinds of people, I just have to expose myself to them. So that is the whole point of my post, to let you know I am going to be more open this year, and my goal is to end up in a bigger city where I can meet all kinds of people. I have been wanting that for a while but I just needed to admit that my discovery of my sexuality is driving that just as much as my dream of having a good job and being busy with work and friends all the time.

Alright I will write more later, and talk about this when I am completely sober, but for now here is a song for this post. It is pretty fitting in mind and I hope you guys enjoy it.