Taking a pause from writing about meeting people because if I don't write this tonight... I have no idea when I will.
No song tonight boys. Just a dumbass and his thoughts.
.....
I had entire post written about the real and how no one, not Liz, not RJ, not a single family member knows me and the horrible things I do. I deleted it all because I hated it but I need to figure my shit out.
I tell myself life will be better when we live together, I whole heartedly think so but who can say how I will act. I tell myself I only do the things I do because I am bored and have nothing to do. From signing onto Adam4adam and just "looking around" to texting the people I should not be texting. I literally have to "Liz proof" my phone and computer before time with her. I delete an app, delete history and block a few numbers and then I spend the weekend not thinking about it, but within an hour of leaving I get bored on my drive and reinstall everything on my phone... And it isn't just this shit, I cheat more than I write about on here. Not a lot more, but enough more. I guess I am just writing this random stream of shit because I know I am flawed and I don't really talk to anyone about it and today I got so pissed at myself for so many reasons and I just need to get my shit together. I act so carelessly, like I don't want the life I have and if I am not careful, I am going to lose everything.
Fuck. I have no idea what is going on with me. Alright well I am headed to bed, but I'll be sure to delete this internet history before I see Liz this weekend.
I'm one of more than 300 participants in an email listserv for married men who are out to their wives. One of the interesting things about this list is that everyone is expected to submit a biography shortly after they join. In the last year I've read about 30 different biographies. There are a few common themes in these biographies, and at least one of them applies to you...
ReplyDeleteVirtually every man writes about how he "knew" who he was early in life but he didn't want to be that guy, so he made the choice to block or deny that part of himself. Getting married was an essential step in the redirection process.
These men also write about how they married for love. They thought honest love and a committed relationship with a woman would be so satisfying that they'd stop being attracted to men.
Well now...at the age of 38 or 46 or 52 or 64...they've realized that neither love nor marriage has changed them.
Unable to change, many men write about how they struggled in the closet for decades. Then, when they couldn't handle the depression, hopelessness and dishonesty any longer, they came out.
Some wives immediately accepted their husbands when they came out. But many were hurt and angry that they weren't given an honest choice in how their lives played out. What woman wants to be single at 56? They don't. Being "deceived" like this is exactly how normally nice people become mean and bitter. No likes to be betrayed and lied to and certainly no one like to look back and feel like their life was stolen from them. Yet this is how many women feel.
I loved my wife when I proposed to her at 20. I loved her when we married at 23. And I love her today, nearly 25 years later. But I also know that it was a mistake for both us to get married. We both sacrificed happiness for the sake of love.
You'd think love would automatically bring happiness but it doesn't. Lasting, happy relationships require an authentic foundation and when total authenticity is missing, it's only a matter of time before everything slowly unwinds.
I know this is a downer comment and not what you want to hear. I'm genuinely sorry that I can't think of something to say that would lift you up. But for the sake of your and Liz's long-term happiness, I have to be honest and say that all this shit you're doing now...it won't end. The life you're living and the things you're doing...a ring on your finger won't change any of it.
A day will come when you'll know that you can no longer be dishonest. Your coming out is inevitable. What you need to decide is when you'll take that step. Now? Or in 5 years? Or 10? Or 20? Of those choices, when will it be easiest and when will it cause the least pain?
You're a great guy and I'm totally rooting for you and your happiness, but the path you're on scares the shit out of me. I've been on this journey and, 25 years later, I'm still waiting for a happy ending.
TwoLIves said it all: The desire won't go away. The only thing you have control over is how you handle it and how you handle yourself. But first you have to accept who you are and where your attractions reside. Liz hasn't made that go away, living together won't change that. Nor will marriage or god forbid kids. Until you're honest with yourself, you have no hope of being honest with her.
ReplyDeleteIt is fundamentally unfair to both of you to continue deceiving yourself and her. She has a right to know you. What you are and what you do will affect her for the rest of her life. And it will affect you, too.
TwoLives speaks the truth when he says that no matter how painful the truth is NOW it will be infinitely more painful the longer you wait. But there is no hope for a relationship that is built on a foundation of lies. They almost always come out and even if they don't their mere existence will undermine any happiness you try to build.
I'm sorry to say that. I like you and I think you're a good guy. But wishing things were different won't make them so.
Two lives said it all. Wow, right on the money. Do yourself a favor and look into his crystal ball.
ReplyDeletei'm always scared i and the rest of this blog world is gonna be liz proofed out of your life completely one of these days.
ReplyDeleteYes, they are all correct in what they write above. But...
ReplyDeleteOne thing that you said is incorrect. "I know I'm flawed". No, you are not. You are human. You have desires, dreams, and all the other things we all have. But flawed? No. You are not.
The problem is that we were all brought up to believe in a fairy tale. The happy couple with happy children living a fairy tale life. That never did or does exist. Happiness occurs when reality favorably surpasses expectation.
My credentials: Denied my attraction for men for decades. I too felt I could handle it. The fairy tale life would come with the ring and the kids. It didn't. Until I accepted it myself, nothing and no one could help me.
Gay men are like straight men in many ways. We all have things that turn us on, and some that turn us off. Some gay men are flamboyant, some are effeminate, some are not. Some straight men are the same. Forget about straight vs. gay, and concentrate on having a satisfying life...knowing your values and living them. But first, you must be honest with yourself. And, you need to find someone who has walked in those shoes to help you. Don't try to do it alone. That wheel has been invented...take advantage of others who have come before you. Find a gay friend who wants to be a friend, a true friend you can talk to, who will listen to you, and you him, someone who is not in it for the sex...you are unlikely to find one on those apps.