Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Coworker

How on earth is it already Thursday?  I am just writing this as a quick update between classes but I still need to shower and get ready for work before my class so this is major crunch time.

I talked about my coworker before on here and named her Jen. (that is actually a horrible name for her, but I just made myself a cheat sheet of names so I am sticking with it) First thing is we actually don't work together anymore but we used to and that is how I met her. Anyways she is friends with a completely different group of people than my normal group of friends and I really enjoy hanging out with all of them.  The feel of that group is way different from my friends. Much more bro tastic guys and girls who wear heels and dresses out and they all rage hard all the time. That being said they are really cool people and I get along with her closet friends pretty well, a lot of them are in my major so since sophomore year I have become close with a lot them.

This difference between my friends and these guys has caused some tension in the past. Especially between GF2 and Jen and her friends. See my friends are the kind of people who don't care what other people thing, ever, and can be really juvenile. They love having theme parties, but only like 15 people come... I just don't see the point. I would rather go out with friends to a bar, watch sports, talk and just hang out then dress up like characters from the nineties and sit around with our close friends. And when they have these parties I usually come (almost always straight from work) and then leave after an hour or so to go out to a bar with other people. Bottom line here is if I am going to be in costume I want to be at a packed house party with tons of other people who look just as ridiculous as me and our parties do not offer that.

That was sort of a random tangent and I don't want to sound like an ass, but I do care what people thing of me, not just appearance but more so impressions. I am a goofy ass kid and have a good time and will get drunk and cause a ruckus but even I find my friends embarrassing at some points (also almost none of them work and can be cheap so they hate going out, I work hard and I like to go enjoy my money, sorry) Okay I am really going to talk about what I wanted to talk about now. After I met Jen it took a while for us to become friends but once we did I was one of the few people she really every opened up to. There are maybe three people on earth excluding her mother, and if her mother knew everything she did I think she would have a heart attack. But overtime we have grown to be extremely close and for a long time I had very strong feelings for her and she would flirt with me and when she got drunk it would be obvious she was flirting but I never made my move (may be my downfall here) and I always had to listen to all the issues she had with the guys who were coming and going in her life. I talked to her about girl issues I had and then had to make up a cover story when Jake left hickies on my neck and she saw them but that was all we really talked about for my sex life.

Anyways I started dating GF2 and didn't explicitly tell her, I told other people at work and she came up to me and was like who is this girl, do you even like her, gave me the grill about it. I answered and I did like her and she knew exactly who she was, she was just being a bitch about it for some reason and got all pissed I didn't come tell her. Well the flirting dies down, we hang out still and nothing is an issue, then I leave for the summer and we talk every once and a while and one night while drunk before her birthday and she said stuff like this:

"You're missing my birthday and I'm more sad about that than I think I've ever been sad about a lot of things in a really long time... and I can't do anything but understand I guess... but still it makes everything a little less great" and "I miss you already... a lot which makes me wonder how in the world I'm going to manage graduation." (yeah I kept the message, it was one of the only nice things she has really said to me, it is a teasing kind of relationship) Anyways I get back from the summer and low and behold she has a BF, and didn't tell me even though we had been talking on a pretty regular basis.

I was pissed, it wasn't my place to be, but I was and now flash forward to our last semester at school and her getting drunk and me having to take care of her on multiple occasions. Like walk her home, get her in bed, and say goodnight. One night she asked me to stay (her and the bf are over now) and I almost did, but I think it has something to do with how I truly do care about her and I don't want anything random to happen if something were to happen. We have talked about moving to a city somewhere together with one of our other friends but that seems like just talk. I wish it wasn't sometimes...

Alright well there is my story about the coworker. I wrote that because I am going to her place tonight to hangout and I have just had it all on my mind. Here is a song by a guy I really like and if you listen to the words he talks about the clatter between his ears. I have a lot of clatter right now. Anyways guys have a good one and thanks again for reading.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Close your eyes...

Yeah, I am drunk. It's Sunday.... say something. Anyways, I am headed to bed here in a min here at GF2's place but I just wanted to say that I have no idea where my life is going. I start this blog, shit hits the fan, I am figuring out a career, and my hormones, and my feelings. It can be overwhelming at times. I miss this past September where my college football team was going strong, I was having a great time at school, and didn't really have to deal with this.

I have always been a planner, and at every major juncture in life I could close my eyes and envision what I was looking for in the next chapter of my life. Going into high school I had my idea of what it would be like. Same with college, which is why I ended up where I am and not where most people expected me to go.  But now I face graduation, real life, its deep stuff, and I have no real set idea of what I will be doing, where I will be living, or what my life will be like. This whole issue becoming public has really made me think about my future, but it just as murky as before. I am pissed about that, I just want to figure this shit out. I applied for 3 more jobs today along with working my ass off at my job (okay I was texting a fellow blogger a lot too, but I did work pretty hard) but I still don't even know what I want to do.

Okay enough ramble for a drunken Sunday night. All I wish is that I knew what I wanted, from a lot of things. I need to learn to not stress about the future so much, but with everything that happened this weekend all I really wanted was to get out of here and be done. I am only two weeks into the semester but a guy can dream right? I will enjoy the end of my school days, trust me, but I just wish I wasn't so fucking apprehensive about the future.

Here is a song I love by a band I found on Pandora. Have a good one guys.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Update- Ups and Downs

I am sitting here getting ready for work and a lot has happened this weekend so I wanted to update you all. I am dealing with this better than I thought but I am still mad at myself and others. It is hard because GF2 deals with this pretty well but when it gets dragged out again she always gets upset (translate to I don't get any. Seriously thought how can I be thinking about that at a time like this, blame it on my age)

Now that this has all happened and I am using this blog as an outlet I feel like I need to get my college years story out there so you guys can understand. I will do that this week, but for now I will just talk about people as if you know who they are.  So after dealing with my situation with my best friend, I will call her Emily from now on, and getting really worked up Friday I got a lot of support from people. It was really nice to have people reach out to me. And I was feeling a little better and just got drunk and had a good time like nothing was bothering me. Got up the next morning and headed to work and low and behold who walks into where I work, BF1, who will now be named Jake. Jake comes in with his friends and I do not speak to him any more (long story, which one day I will write) so I avoid him and after finishing what I was doing I go to the back room and tell my co workers I just need a minute, they didn't  question me but the person I am closest with could tell something was bothering me but I played it off. That got me all worked up but I was texting a friend who I can talk to about all this and he calmed me down.

After that I was really looking forward to getting out of work and heading to the couple birthday parties I had last night. There is another story here about how GF2 and then a girl I used to work with do not get along, call her Jen, but Jen and I are really close and I take care of her like a big brother so that gets difficult. Anyways I go see Jen and end up taking her home and putting her in bed because she can't stand up and we almost end up making out. A few artful head dodges is all that saved me. ( I just decided I am going to write a post about all these people so I can sort out how I feel about them, I never realized I had so much to say till I started writing a blog). 

Anyways the big event last night was I finally had an open and honest conversation about how I feel with my closest roommate. He was totally supportive and we talked about a lot of things in my life and what is going on. We also talked about my other roommate who apparently has been telling anyone who asked, this is somewhat my fault but in the end is none of his business. He found out through a rare sequence of events and was the only friend who knew for a long time. But apparently the only conversation we ever had about it where I said I would talk about it when I am ready and for him to respect that and keep it to himself didn't set it. He tries to be caring and over break even sent me a facebook message about it, but after I found out he told the world, including people I do not like or need in my business I can barely stand to be in the same room with him.

Okay enough of this, I need to shower. So some things are looking up and I have had my first real conversation about it with one of my guy friends so that was a success. Everyone keeps pointing out that they have not treated me any different and I have great friends because they are all so accepting, and while this is true I am still pissed as hell about how this all went down and wish my business had stayed my business had stayed my business till I was ready.

quick edit- Go Packers. I can't watch the game but I hate the bears so I will be checking the score on my phone. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Jokes on Me

I feel like I am in a black hole. I had lunch with the friend from my last post. Seems like she told a lot of people, who have now told other people. Anyways I guess I was the only one who didn't know that everyone knows I am bisexual. GF2 knows (this is a story in itself, involving the most awkward skype call of my life), but anyways I am just pissed and upset and feel betrayed. I am going to bed now and I am not sure when I will get back on here.

This was part of me that I wasn't ready to really tell people about, but I guess that doesn't really matter now. I will update you guys later on what happened, but for now I am just gonna sleep. I can't really explain how I feel. Do I just come all the way out? I don't know how GF2 would handle that. Do I just answer when people ask?  ... I don't know. I just want to go home right now and I just got back to school. And I feel like I would have to tell my family before anything drastic happens. I told two of my best friends and then now a lot of my friends know. Two of my roommates, a lot of people I hang out with. I just don't know what to do. Anyways I am going to retreat into my drunken stupor for the weekend. Have a good one guys.

thirst quenched

This is what I wrote last night, but when I went to post, my internet was not working. See my next post for a more realistic picture.

So I am home from a night on the town and rather drunk, but I wanted to follow up my post from earlier. Work was not horrible but I really will miss my boss. I talked to her almost the entire time I was there and got nothing done. She got a promotion and I am really happy for her but I can't help be a little sad she is leaving me. Okay that was work.

I went out with one of my best friends who kind of fucked me over last semester but that is a long story for my college posts. In the end she is one of two people I told about my bi sexual habit as we shall call it and between her and then BF1 and one of my roommates who found out through rather random circumstances I have been outed to a few people here. I don't really care, and the couple people who do know now have been really supportive. I wish I could be as accepting as they are. I dont know what it is, my parents would not have an issue with this and my friends would still be my friends, but I cant bring myself out of the fucking closet. Okay well this is as much drunk rambling as you guys get for the night. I have class at 9 am and have to get up and do an assignment beforehand. But I can promise I will be taking a long nap after class.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

above average thirst

It's thirsty Thursday and today has been anything but normal/ fun for me and it is only 4 so tonight I will be seeking some liquid relief. Class started off normal and I was feeling surprisingly good for the amount of beer I consumed last night. Anyways I go to my class at 9 and I just start getting pissed. This is an upper level class in my major and our professor is talking to us like we are 10 year old kids that have never heard of any of these topics or heard of the comparative method. I know some people may be in their first upper level classes but still she talked to us like we were little kids with scraped knees. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest, it isn't the reason my day has been stressful.

My main job (the one that pays my drinking tab and for my books) is about to get very stressful, I have worked at the same place for 2 and a half years now, longer than anyone else there, and now my boss is leaving along with the only other person I get along with. My best friend at work quit earlier this month and her last day was my first one back from break. Now we have two new people who are going to transfer in above me and I am going to have to work with them (I know one of them pretty well, don't know the other) but a lot of things are going to fall on my shoulders. I know this because the Big Boss who made all these decisions called me today and told me he was counting on me to make this transition smooth and make sure everything works well. I set myself up for this. Last semester I was working 30+ hours a week at this job and busting my ass doing everything they asked me to with a full course load. This is my last semester and I wanted to take a backseat roll and kind of do my job, not bother anyone and be done in may. Now I have extra responsibility, no one who I like to work with, and no raise. I don't mean to bitch (actually that is all this is) but I can't quit because I do need money. I just wish I would get a job offer for after graduation and then I could tell these guys to blow me after spring break. Fingers crossed. I sent my resume to Mr. Plane so hopefully I still have enough karma to pull me through that. Alright I have to head to work but I just had to post.

In honor of me going out tonight, after I finish my homework for my 9 am class that is, I chose a song I will be raging to many a night this semester (my roommate is obsessed this song and he makes the play lists, I am not mad about this song being on the play list, I can't say that for all the songs)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Back in the swing of things

School is off and running for me and I am back at work at my job so I have completed the transformation from couch potato to hectic college student with not enough sleep and a little too much to drink the night before. Since getting back I have been busy trying to get my life in order for the semester and trying to figure out what is up with my and the girl. We shall from here on out call her GF2. I will eventually finish writing my college posts but for now I have some really random shit to get off my chest.

I don't know what the deal is with GF2, maybe all girls are like this but she loves to make out. Sometimes when we make out I get lucky and get my rocks off in one of many ways (that is about as graphic as this post will be, sorry to those looking for more) and other times we make out, and then eventually she will roll over and say she is tired and has to get up early (she does, but still). I don't get how girls can get all worked up and then just pass out. I am standing at full attention and sleep is not going to just happen. This happened last night and I ended up getting up and going into my TV room and just sitting there staring at the TV for a while (when I did pass out I had a sex dream about the main guy from community and GF2, it was weird, I don't even like that show, or find him that attractive). Another thing with her is she kinda sucks at making out (I sound like an ass) and it really bothers me, not to pat myself on the back but I have been told I am a good kisser, at least above average, but she just sucks. I am not going into detail so just take my word for it.

I think a lot of this is stemming from general frustration with the situation. In the past we have been much happier together (this has been on and off for over a year) but I am getting ready to graduate and she has grad school here where we go to school and I am just burnt out on living in a smaller college town and the lifestyle. I am ready to get back to a major city, and after break I really wouldn't mind moving close to where my parents are (not close as in their couch, but the general area) and she wants to stay close to her family who is from the area surrounding school when she does graduate.

Okay enough of my complaining, I wanted to do a little follow up for the 3 people who kept reading after those annoying paragraphs above this one. After my slightly buzzed post and talk with RJ I did a lot of thinking (not about why I took his advice, which he claimed I would in the morning) and really appreciate the comments you guys left. Anyways I am going to be more open minded and things have already started changing for me. I am a huge believer in Karma, or at least do something good and eventually something will balance that out for you. That morning after I woke up I was headed back to school and after some shenanigans at the airport with my flights it looked like they were going to have to rebook people, as a college student and I would really only be missing syllabus hand outs, I volunteered to be one of the people rebooked because at that time they were just kicking random people off the plane and a lady started crying. This was my good action and sometimes it takes a while for the reward, but this one only took about 15 mins.

A little background here, during our delay I saw a guy standing near my gate and I noticed that he was pretty good looking, dressed nicely (how you present yourself is big for me, probably more so than physical appearance) and a little taller than me (ahh that reminds me, RJ pointed out he thought I was some giant because of a comment I left on another blog, not true I am 6'1) anyways our flight got delayed again and I never saw him again. I didn't even see him board during the confusion when they plane was finally ready and thought nothing of it.

In the end they had no shows so I was on my original flight and they upgraded my seat AND I was sitting next to the guy I described up above. Turns out he is older than he looks but is really cool and him and I had a drink on the plane and just talked the entire time. He gave me his card to e-mail him because he had two job leads and he thought I was a good guy for both of them. So there you have it, give a little good, get way more in return. Nothing is going to happen with this guy but I got the feeling he may have been interested. He touched my arm a few times by the end of the flight and they lingered a little long for someone you just met. But he was a cool guy and I will take all the job help I can get. Anyways we have been e-mailing and once I get my resume done (today) I will send it off to him.

Sorry this dragged and I hope you all are having a great day. (more positive energy) Oh and the song has just been stuck in my head. Enjoy.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Being right handed

I am a little drunk right now as I write this and I was just talking to RJ of "Not so open and obvious" and he said something to me that really made me think. He told me that I can choose my sexuality as much as I can choose the fact that I am right handed. Accepting the truth of that is something that has been extremely hard for me, but I am working on it. Hence this blog where I write it all out. But this whole process has really helped me already to start sorting out my life and has exposed me to a whole different kind of gay guy.

I really have only ever seen gay guys like the one on Glee, or this one guy from my high school who was the star of Choir and now sings professionally. That is not me. I have certain things that may set me apart from your typical straight guy, but again RJ pointed out there is no typical straight or gay guy. We are all just guys and as I live my life I will come to meet all kinds of people, I just have to expose myself to them. So that is the whole point of my post, to let you know I am going to be more open this year, and my goal is to end up in a bigger city where I can meet all kinds of people. I have been wanting that for a while but I just needed to admit that my discovery of my sexuality is driving that just as much as my dream of having a good job and being busy with work and friends all the time.

Alright I will write more later, and talk about this when I am completely sober, but for now here is a song for this post. It is pretty fitting in mind and I hope you guys enjoy it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Parental Units

Okay, I am taking a little break from my history (I'm back at school now and plan on posting my college posts once I am really back in the school mindset) and I want to talk about my family for a little bit. My parents are awesome, I couldn't ask for better parents. They have given me just the right amount of freedom but are still involved in my life and talk to me about everything. (almost everything) They don't hover or constantly ask about grades but they keep me on track. They also provide just enough financial support for me work hard at my job and support the lifestyle I like. (my lifestyle is a future post, I already started it but I think this post is important)

I have read a couple other blogs where guys have talked about their relationships with their parents and I feel really selfish for not telling my parents, but I just don't feel comfortable doing it and maybe one day but for now I am keeping them in the dark. They would still love me and treat me no differently but I just don't want to tell them. My other issue with telling them is my whole troubling past and the therapy I went through, I denied my sexuality outright. I was emphatic that I was not gay or bisexual, but I know they would understand as that was years ago but it still leaves me feeling guilty. And while my parents and sister would be totally fine with it, I know my extended family would not, and my extended family is a big part of my life. Wow, after putting that in writing I feel like I am limiting myself for my family, but I really don't feel like I am. This is a personal decision and this is what I am going with for now.

As for my relationship with my parents individually, things couldn't be better. My dad and I talk almost everyday, sometimes for longer and other times for only a couple minutes but it happens almost every single day. We just call each other to check in, see what is up and bounce ideas off each other. I talk to him about issues with friends and the girl I am seeing, and he talks to me about work and my sister (we don't talk that much, also a post of its own someday) and sports. Now that college football is over I am not sure what we will do because we talked smack about each others schools a lot. (I have a huge family history with a university at home and I didn't even apply, that was an awkward Thanksgiving with my grandparents but I am at the right school for me) As for my Mom, she is pretty busy and it is harder to get her on the phone but I talk to her one to two times a week and when I am home I talk to her all the time. My relationship with them is one of the things that is drawing me home after I graduate (not to live on their couch, but to the area I grew up in, I can't live at home again)

I couldn't ask for better parents, I really couldn't but I also just don't see myself telling them about this side of me. I don't know why, but I don't want anything to change between us or to develop a strained relationship with my father that some of the guys who blog have. I guess I will have to figure me out and then figure out my relationships from there.

As for a song for this post I chose Linkin Park because my parents love these guys ("My mom is a 'cool' mom, not a regular mom" sorry couldn't resist the mean girls quote, and the bi sexual in me comes out) along with a lot of other great bands, but the lyrics to this song are really fitting.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Can't let it go.

After a day of not moving for about 8 hours the last of my friends cleared out of my house at about 8:30 last night. We spent the day hanging out, eating, and watching TV. (I did not get to watch the Seahawk game, but I just want to say that them winning shut a lot of people up, including my friends who are Giants fans, I understand they had a losing record but divisions are divisions) Anyways I was a little stir crazy from not moving the entire day so I showered and jumped in the car to go to GF1's party. It is a little far from my house but I told her I would stop by earlier in the week when we ran into each other so as a man of my word I drove out there.

Seeing as we went to different high schools and that some of her friends go to school pretty close to home I only know about 3 people at this party when I get there. I talk to these three people and then sit down and have run out of things to do besides focus on the beer I have. People wanted to play drinking so GF1 was looking for cards and I offered to help so that I could remove myself from one large room of people I didn't really know. We go upstairs to look for them and I start to have major flash backs to that summer. I helped her look in a couple rooms but then she moves into the master bedroom and I go in but it was too weird to be back in that place with her (lot of good and a lot more bad memories of us in that room) Now I am in the mindset to think about that summer, and her, and I am drinking,  so I am just wondering where this night will lead. We start playing a game and I get to know some people at the party so things are looking a little better.

Around 11:30 a couple people show up at the party and I look up and think to myself that the guy who just walked in looks really familiar and is pretty good looking and then the light bulb clicks. This is one of the other guys from that summer (and no not one I hooked up with, one GF1 got down and dirty with) And after that I just got pissed. Something about him being there and the fact that I was not as special to her. I knew they still talked and don't have anything against him personally but he fucked my ex and I wasn't really over her. Now as I write this I start to question if I am now, she has the ability to get to me to this day and it has been over 5 years since we last dated.

I guess my issue with GF1 is I can't totally let go of the past, when I write about college you will see there are some people I have completely let go of, but for some reason she sticks with me. Alright well the song for this post came on shuffle while I was driving home from her place and I love it so enjoy the song, if you made it to the end of the post that is.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Last night out with friends

Went out last night with my friends from home. It was a good time and we had a ride home at the end of the night so we got a little wild. My friends and I were all drinking and the place we were at has more of an older crowd, not you typical 20 somethings hang out but we were all there so it was good. Anyways I was having a great time just getting drunk and loud as I normally do and then more friends show up, these guys were older than us in school but we all get back together over breaks and it is always good to see them every once and a while.

The reason I am posting this is that when my extended group of friends came Gym buddy came walking in. I don't know what it was, but seeing him really pissed me off. I think it is because of this blog and reliving all those events from our past. Him and I did not stop hanging out on a good note but have been civil when every gets together for years. I guess it was just me thinking about it and my frustration with him and me practically going back to him begging every time to let me hang out with him by the end. I am not that kind of person at all and so I was more mad at myself. Well at least my consolation is that he has let himself go and I think I look better than I did back then (I can be a tool, sorry).

Just had to get this off my chest, it was bothering me all night and I have had it on my mind. Hope you guys have a great day. My song for this post is one of my favorite things to run to DJ Milkman.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The summer before college

I want to start this post by saying I am not looking forward to going back to real life and school next week. Over break I have been going out every night with friends staying out till about one then I come home and dick around on the internet till about two, pass out and wake up around 10 or 11. More internet till I finally get up around noon and start my day. Once school starts I will be done with my first class at the time I have been getting up. Then throw work into the mix I am fucking busy. I will still have time for fun and I will for sure be making time to blog.

Anyways enough bitching about me going back to real life. But this is my last break ever really because I will graduate and hopefully be employed starting shortly after. To talk about this summer I first have to talk about how I picked my college, of the nine of us in my friendship group, six of us got into the same school and could have had a boy meets world situation going on where we all went together. This did not happen and I am glad it didn't because I still really enjoy my friends from high school, I am extremely close with them and this break has reaffirmed that they will be my best friends for a long time. (Man do I ramble sometimes) Anyways all of us ended up scattering around the country and I went to a school without anyone I really knew. I sort of knew a couple people on campus before hand and I hung out with them when I got there but I really made my own friends. Okay I am getting ahead of myself this is supposed to be the summer before college.

So I know that I am headed off to college in two months without anyone from home so this summer goes a little crazy. It starts with a huge party week at the beach, hence the guy I put on here. And I had actually forgotten this till I started writing but vacation buddy came back for that week because he knew a ton of people and he wasn't in my house but we met one night and got off on some back road in my car. (It's amazing what this blog is bringing to the front of my mind) I also fooled around with the girl of "my dreams" that same week. I had known Dream Girl as I will refer to her since elementary school and by high school there was a little tension there but nothing ever happened till we drank a bottle of liquor and rolled around on her bed in the house and just fooled around a little bit. It wasn't till we got back that we had sex in the back seat of my car.  (My car has seen a lot of action) I have not seen her in years but I still think about her a lot, not sure why, we never dated and only hooked up those two times but she was "that girl" growing up and I guess I was infatuated with her and still am a little bit.

After I got back from the beach my summer took off, I was working part time and hanging out with my friends and then GF1 and started hanging out again. She was having almost weekly house parties and I would show up later in the night, she would be drunk, I would pound shots, we would hook up, get in a fight and I would end up sleeping in the basement or leaving. We still look back to that summer and wonder what the fuck was going on, if only people knew.

This was also the summer I found craigslist and during that summer I had better luck on there than I ever have. I met two different guys. The first we will call Tim. Tim had just moved here after graduating from College and was what I look for in a guy. Totally masculine, cool, easy to talk to, a little more built, and a little older. That has always been what i found attractive in a guy, a nice body and a few years on me. Anyways we started talking and I went up to the hotel he was staying at till he found a place and we hung out for a few hours until we finally fooled around for hours as well. He was the first guy I showered with, and if a guy has a nice body seeing those muscles wet is fucking awesome for me. Well the next week or so I went back and this time it sucked... he acted like fooling around with me and then fucking me was a favor and afterward told me to shower and hit the road. So that was that with Tim.

The next guy we will call Charlie. Charlie was closer to my age but was going to school and working at the same time and had a baller place in the city. He brought me over and we hung out there once, then we ended up getting hotel rooms two times to hang out. But he had some serious guilt issues and we stopped talking. He deleted me on facebook a few months ago, I only know cause I liked his job and would check up on him every once and a while but he was just a cool guy I could kick back with. (Sidenote here but it is really bothering me, I am listening to today's hits on pandora and it keeps playing christmas songs every once and a while. WTF. its January. Sorry had to get that out)

There were a couple other hook ups, both guy and girl. I went a little crazy. The first thing I did when I got to school was get tested, clean bill of health but cant be too safe. I always play safe but you get scared. The big things from this summer was I realized GF1 and I would not be ending up together, she is a great girl and I saw her last night when I was out with my friends but still she is a little much for me to handle at times. One thing I did battle with this summer was the guilt feeling after hanging out with a guy. I would get in my car to drive home and be overcome with a huge amount of guilt and disgust. Wish I had blogged back then to help deal with it. But I overcame it and had a good summer overall. I look back and feel like a huge man whore that summer because of what I was willing to do both with GF1 and others to get off but hey they call it growing up for a reason. Anyways this was again a rather long post. College is going to be broken up. I hope I find some time to do it, this has been like a cleanse. Yesterday I was out driving and actually drove by the hotel where Tim and I hung out and that is saying something cause its about 45 mins away and all I could think about was coming home and starting this post.

Okay last but not least is the song of that summer. This was a hard one, I got my laptop for college that summer and I looked through my itunes to figure out what I was listening to then and ended up with this song.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Part 2

I want to start by apologizing for the horrible writing in my posts. I am writing these as they pop into my head and I don't really want to go back over them and edit them. At school I feel like all I do is write papers and then spend hours editing them, I have not made the same kind of commitment to this blog. (sorry) But I hope you all are enjoying it now.

High School was awesome for me, but at the same time I had a huge internal conflict. And after reading other blogs a lot of other guys seem to have had similar experiences because of our situation. I only went to High School with maybe 20 kids from my middle school because of zoning which was the largest factor in me actually enjoying HS. I now have a class of over 600 kids to start fresh with, and that is just what I did, I made friends who were in a couple of my classes and by the first day had people to sit with at lunch so things were already looking up. GF1 and I didn't go to school together, but we would talk every day on AIM and the phone and on the weekend our parents would drive us to see each other. Things were going good for me and I just ignored that question about guys that was lingering up in the back of my mind.

So freshmen year went on and things were good except now I was seeing Vacation friend from my last post around school (he didn't go to my middle school) but I just ignore him and the thoughts in my head about being with both guys and girls. Well after about six months of not going to school together GF1 and I broke up, we had grown apart because of the no school things but this relationship was by no means over. I two other girls freshmen year but nothing major. And the year ended.

Sophomore year I got back with GF1 probably 3 times. We were each others closest friend and it was hard being apart but at times hard being together. (We are now really good friends and sometimes fall back into it, if you have read all my posts she is the one I made out with over thanksgiving break) Anyways sophomore year was a big year for this blog too because vacation friend IMed me one day while I happened to be jacking off and was talking to me about school and some other random shit and he brought it up again and he asked if I ever thought about what happened. I said yes and we ended up talking and then decided to meet in a park that was between our houses. So I walk there nervous as shit. We meet on a path in a pretty wooded area, and we end up in the woods and we blew each other. I was freaking out inside, it felt good, and he was good looking, played football and was popular, I was not sure how I felt. Anyways I went home and we ended up doing that somewhat frequently. This year also marked the year that I really started forming my close group of friends. It spanned 3 grade levels, and through this group I also started drinking and smoking. (I quit smoking a long time ago, but it is going to be relevant in a little bit)

Junior year was even better than sophomore and I could barely believe it. Vacation friend ended up leaving with his family before this year so that was gone and GF1 and I got back together for the last time. I till remember the night I lost my virginity to her, it was also the night I got my drivers license and we went to a random house party and did it on an office floor. How special. I don't regret it, the setting could have been better though. This year the friendship group changed and we continued to have a good time. GF1 and I broke up for the last real break up around Christmas that year and I just focused on grades for college and having a good time.

With vacation friend being gone my mind has really been clear of my bisexuality for a while but then GF1 and I broke up and I start to wander. In the end there was a guy in my group who friends of people I was friends with so we were not that close but we ended up belonging to the same gym. And after a while started going at the same time and then hanging out after we went to the gym. And then I was blowing him, and not just once, but a lot. I look back on this time with mixed emotions, he was an ass to me a lot and yet I came back for more and I would always get myself off afterwards. Anyways things got messy, people started to talk, so we stopped. Or so I thought.

This is soooo fucking long. I apologize, but only one year left. Senior year our group shrank and there were 9 of us in my grade who became extremely close, good mix of guys and girls and we did almost everything together or in smaller subsets of the group. I think I had maybe 2 classes that one of them wasn't in and that is just because I took AP classes they didn't. This year i was single the whole year and I made out with some girls at house parties but at the same time was getting off to bi porn at home and wondering what I was doing. This was not a phase and I clearly liked sex with both sexes. This year was stressful because of the picking colleges aspect of life and then just trying to make it live up to my amazing Junior year. In the end it did and I still get together with my core group of friends from high school every time I am home. During my search I went to visit gym buddies school and I wasn't staying with him but I ended up drunkenly meeting up with him and he popped my other cherry. This is much more of a regret but we learn from our past and I moved on.

Okay this post is hella long and I appologize for that. I am gonna do a shorter one tomorrow on just the summer before college because it was rather eventful. It involves all the people so far mentioned and with it being the shortest summer I have ever had almost everyday had something big going on. So now I leave you with a song from high school.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My past. Part 1

Okay quick side note. Not sure if anyone even cares but if maybe someone does. In my ignorance I had no idea that my comments were restricted. Now anyone can comment, that was my intention from the beginning I just didn't know I had to push a button to make it so.

So I figured I owe a little explanation of how I got to be the way I am. This will not be a fun journey but something I need to do as much for myself as I do for readers to understand me. I have my emo music playing in the background. (currently I am using Pandora, and ironically New Found Glory just came on... talk about teen aged angst in music)

So guy next door from the start. I guess I have to start in 3rd grade which is weird but anyways went on vacation with family friends and this kid and I shared a room and we did the normal curious stuff like look at each other and one day showered together (okay I'm not sure how normal that is, but it happened). Anyways from there my life went on and fast forward to 8th grade and this kid and I go to different schools but still talk occasionally. One day he IM's me (oh the days of aim) and we are just shooting the 8th grade shit and he brings up what happened on our vacation and then asks if I want to do it again. I emphatically deny any want to do that again (lie) and move on.

At the same time I start dating my first (of 2) serious girlfriend. We started dating in 8th grade which is crazy but were dating through junior year of high school and then had some major weak moments of getting back together our senior year into freshmen year of college. I will refer to her as GF1.

The reason GF1 and I became so close is that middle school was a horrible time for me. I hate those two years of my life more than anything. I know a lot of people hate middle school, but I HATED it, to the point of almost taking my life because I was being bullied and hated how awkward I was. (Weird side bar but GF1 just texted me, its like she knew I was talking about her, we are trying to get together while I am home) Anyways GF1 is part of the reason I am still here and we were friends and the whole time I was desperately in 8th grade love with her and eventually I charmed her into falling for me too. We are still close and I still talk to her every week or so, we trade black out stories and talk about our lives but she has no idea about this side of me.

That comes to my last part of this post and part of the reason I am in the closet. People have questioned me before about my sexuality. Part of the bullying was calling me gay, and part was cause I was just an obnoxious child. (I have calmed down a lot since then) Anyway this teasing and questioning has always been met with denial from me. I don't know if everyone believes me but as of now I am not comfortable with people knowing about me so I am working on it.

So here is the start of my story. This part was really nothing, check back tomorrow for High School, the best four years of being trapped in the closet. For now I leave you with this tune from my youth. Have a good one guys.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Music to my ears

My ipod has the oddest collection of music. I have everything from rock to pop to rap to classical to show tunes (fits right?) to country. But the constant theme of this music is sadness. My top 25 played songs reads like a teenagers emo mix cd.

I use music to express my emotions all the time and for some reason those just usually happen to be really dark or moody songs. Dashboard Confessional and other groups like that take me to a place where I can just scream out lyrics to release the frustration I am feeling. Last night for instance my parents and I got into a heated discussion about my future and what I am going to do and I just got into my car and was headed to a friends house but took an extremely long route so I could listen to music and have a good release of everything I was feeling at that moment. And my ipod was on shuffle but it played a couple great songs for me to just listen to and calm down.

Maybe it is because of the situation I am in, and because before this blog I had no real release of a lot of the things I have felt and am feeling I have come to rely on music. So I am using this post to ask the few people who do read this to recommend some good tunes to jam out to in the car. For me there is a certain volume level that is just perfect when I am into a good song, its loud enough to kind of feel the music coming from the speakers on both sides of your car but not so freaking loud you can't hear yourself think. That being said I have been known to turn it up and just lose myself in the song. One of those song I do that too all the time is Eve 6's Girlfriend. You can check it out by clicking on that link, and I know it is an odd message for a blog about my bisexual tendencies but the emptiness that I feel in that song is something I can really relate to.

Anyways feel free to send me your ideas guys I am going to listen to some emo music and work out. I know it seems unnatural but it is what I do. Oh another great song to listen to is Sia's Breath Me. You may recognize it from coke's commercials during the Winter Olympics, but then again maybe not because few people love the Olympics or coke as much as I do.

Anyways guys have a good one and lets all hope we can find a guy to listen to music with like one of these two.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year

Just a quickie to wish all of you in blog land a Happy New Year. I feel like I was hit by a truck today so I have just been lounging around watching football. I am pissed Penn St lost. I don't go there but I like Joe Pa and think Urban Meyer is a prick.

Two quick things, I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and catching up their old posts and I can't remember who but someone was talking about how to know when guys are interested and where to look. The gym was a huge theme and then this eye contact thing. I have been testing the waters with the eye contact a little bit but nothing has really come of it.

My other thing was last night I was out with my friends for NYE. We were bar hopping and we get to the 4th bar or so and where we spent midnight so we go get drinks. We are leaving the bar area and walking back into the seating area which was more like a high school dance with tons of people packed into it and a DJ with lights going then a restaurant. Anyways we are walking through the door way and this guy grabs my ass while we walk by. It was weird I had turned to look back at my friends because they were lagging and he just reached out and grabbed it and then I turned back, sort of glared at him and walked away. (he was rather good looking, but I can't blow my "cover" with my friends) None of my friends saw and I of course like a drunk idiot later circled the bar we were at looking for him... to do what I don't know but I was drunk so I wasn't thinking things out.

Anyways thought I would share while I sit here recovering from a wild night that ended with my sleeping on a floor.

Also, I like hearing from readers so feel free to email me guys. It is nice to know people are out there dealing with this too and hearing your stories as well.