Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I have no idea.

Taking a pause from writing about meeting people because if I don't write this tonight... I have no idea when I will.

No song tonight boys. Just a dumbass and his thoughts.

I had entire post written about the real and how no one, not Liz, not RJ, not a single family member knows me and the horrible things I do. I deleted it all because I hated it but I need to figure my shit out.

I tell myself life will be better when we live together, I whole heartedly think so but who can say how I will act. I tell myself I only do the things I do because I am bored and have nothing to do. From signing onto Adam4adam and just "looking around" to texting the people I should not be texting. I literally have to "Liz proof" my phone and computer before time with her. I delete an app, delete history and block a few numbers and then I spend the weekend not thinking about it, but within an hour of leaving I get bored on my drive and reinstall everything on my phone... And it isn't just this shit, I cheat more than I write about on here. Not a lot more, but enough more. I guess I am just writing this random stream of shit because I know I am flawed and I don't really talk to anyone about it and today I got so pissed at myself for so many reasons and I just need to get my shit together. I act so carelessly, like I don't want the life I have and if I am not careful, I am going to lose everything.

Fuck. I have no idea what is going on with me. Alright well I am headed to bed, but I'll be sure to delete this internet history before I see Liz this weekend.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Meetings Part 1: Trevor

I told you guys that in a 2 week I span I went from meeting no readers to having met 3 readers friends from this blog. I am going to start from the most recent and work backwards and I won't get to all of them today, that is too much emotion for this certain layover. But I do need to get it down in writing. It helps.

My song for my meeting with Trevor fits on a lot of levels, I just found it this week and instantly had it stuck in my head. The lyrics also talk about knowing someone, but I will get to that later. You Know Me by Air Traffic Controller.

Lunch with Trevor was awesome, after the initial moments of I could be meeting a total creeper on the street (it was a very public area in a large city so I thought I was covered) we did the awkward hellos and walked towards a lunch spot. Things started to click right away and we shot the shit about the NFL and sports, where he goes skiing since we had initially talked about that. Once we got to a lunch spot we started talking and got to know each other more. I talked to him about recent life stuff and then started to grill him on his life. He is older, (mid 30s) and has the interesting situation where his roommate is his secret buddy. I don't really know if he would use the term boyfriend so I won't here but they seem to be pretty exclusive and he seems happy but he was giving me crap for my blog not giving him the answers on what to do. We are in different spots in life but could relate so much on the struggles on being Bi, what that means, and where we go from here. It was one of the most open and honest discussions I have had in my life. I had just met this guy, we could talk and I had nothing to guard myself from him on and he felt the same way. We could be open and honest about our feelings and analyze the events of our life without trying to impress each other or be guarded. Having a fresh open and honest conversation was pretty awesome and we message now back and forth some and I am sure if we get the chance will meet up again but for now I am happy to have gained another friend out of this. Being able to talk to someone you have this in common with is helpful.

A couple of the things we talked about:
1. This is an itch that will not go away, I am bi-sexual, I will not become heterosexual, I can commit to a hetero relationship, but this is a part of me (and him) and no matter what we choose in life we have to work within these parameters.
2. We have to be realistic and fair to the other people in our life. I know I want a life with Liz and I owe her the respect of giving my all in that life.
3. Just talking about shit helps. We both said we have not had that open a conversation in our lives and there are few people who know everything about me on earth, Trevor is on his way to being one of them.
4. Keep your head up. Life gets tricky and emotions can sneak up but keep shit in a positive light, it does wonders for you.

And Trevor.... you know you have one foot in the door and one outside. In your journey to figure out where you are going to stand, I might recommend a blog... It has really helped me. :)

As always, drop me a line and say hello maybe I'll write a post about our lunch someday,

Monday, October 21, 2013

Wheres your head at?

I had an awesome and exhausting weekend. Now it's Monday night and I'm laying here and I can't sleep before I get up early for work. I'm listening to music and not sure what is running through my mind. I need to write it out, I'm just not there yet. I really am just to the point where I want to sleep in my own bed (I typed hotel bed without even realizing it, if that shows where my life has been recently).

I have a song that has been stuck in my head. There is a line in here "I say out loud this is the last time." Anyways. It's a little different but here it is. Addicted - Morgan Page featuring Greg Laswell (who I also really like on his own)

One final note, I got an email and realized a lot of people follow this blog on feedspot and I'm sure on other sites like it, I had no idea but I hope you guys take the time to find the songs since the videos don't cross over to those sites. The music I put on here captures how I feel at a lot of moments on life better than the words do. And a few times they have come together in such emotional messages that it is hard for me to go back and experience those posts again. 

Alright. Goodnight guys. I'm going to count the speckles on my ceiling.



GUYS. I almost forgot. My URL was spelled wrong. I got rid of the random s that has been in there for almost 3 years. Thanks to Trevor for calling me out on being completely oblivious to that this week. And for the rest of you thanks for nothing... No actually thanks for 2 years and 11 months. I also looked at how long I had been at this... Hard to believe sometimes 

Update to the update. My URL is back to being mis spelled... It breaks all the linked subscriptions.  That Extra S in close(s)ted  is going to be there for as long as this thing lives on the internet. We win some and we lose some. My URL is like me, imperfect. 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Life is funny sometimes.

In a new direction from my last post, life has an interesting way of  bringing people into your life. After 4 years of blogging, almost a month off I think... I'm not really sure and don't want to go look, I had not met anyone from the blog world but after the last couple weeks I have met 3. The most recent was  incredibly random but I really enjoyed it. 

I get an email Thursday during the day telling me to keep my head up and thanking me for sharing my story.  Trevor (I picked this name while I was with him... He is not a Trevor at all but it stuck) signs off the email saying he is a fellow skier from  X.  As soon as I see it I respond and say hey man thanks for the  note, I am actually traveling to X tonight and have some free time tomorrow while my friends work if you want to grab lunch.  

Flash forward to us having a great lunch and just talking about life and being completely honest with each other., something I don't get to do too often. So just wanted to say thanks for reading everyone. I have some songs and pics I want to post. Last night we ended up at some crazy house party that involved way too many horrible Jell-O shots. 

Alright more later, time for some bloodies and sight seeing now that last person is dressed and showered. More later friends. 


(Honestly, if this post goes to show anything I could be right next door and we won't know, so drop me a note, maybe I'll be in your town soon.) 

Thursday, October 17, 2013


I don't know what to title this post as, because I don't know where my head is at. I just read the end of Fraternity Memoirs and for some reason that story just socks it to me and fucks with me head. Part of it has to do with the fact that I have felt the emotions that both the main character and the other characters described have felt. So here I sit a little lost and dazed.

Today is a travel day with some pretty shitty travel reservations so I will have a lot of time to Kill between flights (I can't bitch too much about that, I am flying to a long weekend vacation so I took the cheapest option.

Ill update this more later. I have a lot to tell, I met 2 people this blog has connected me with and I can't really say how awesome the people this blog has brought into my life are. Good luck to RJ, today is a big day for him.

Ill update this post later today... maybe.... I want to try but for now I need to get out of here. Too much going on in my head.

Until then,

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Drinks after work

What's up to the few people who still read this blog. I am currently drunk in a hotel room somewhere in the USA. I honestly probably couldn't pin point this city on a map, but that is neither here nor there, so lets get on with the drunken ramble.

I have a lot of big life stuff in the next couple weeks and I will somewhat fill you guys in on those things. But one of the most significant things to me is finally getting to meet RJ. We are supposed to meet up and I am going to stay over at his place next week. I really hope everything works out this time. Him and I have not been able to talk as much recently and I miss him, not only as a balancing force in my life, but also as the person who knows me better than probably anyone else on earth.

When we were supposed to hang out a few months ago I wanted to take a picture of our shoes next to each other and post it, I really am pretty pumped to be able to do that next week.

I hope you guys have been well. As for a song this time I am going to go with a country tune, even though I already converted my radio presets off there summer country station rotation(back to a rap and a classic rock station), I still have this tune stuck in my head. While the part of the song about meeting a girl doesn't apply, so much of the rest of it does. So go out and Enjoy a 7&7 for me and listen to this tune.

Until next week,

Monday, September 9, 2013

I'm Back.

How are y'all doing? It has been a while and I have been super fucking busy. Life is going really well, got promoted and a couple raises, Liz and I are doing great, getting ready for the big day. My family is a shit storm, but I am putting me first and letting people know my feelings instead of sacrificing everything to keep the peace/balance.

That is enough of that bullshit. Overall I am good. I have made a couple new friends through this thing and had some people reach out to me through e-mail relating to my story so I have enjoyed getting to know people all over the country.

I just wanted to leave you with a few summer jams as I got my last real tan this past weekend and am going to watch this summer fade out in the rear view mirror of life.

First up is a country tune that in a really cheesy way summarizes my summer with Liz. (So fucking corny and I don't give one fuck.)

Next would be the song Spotify brought into my life and with every song Spotify brings me, I am that much more thankful. This one is my "windows down, late night drive, don't want a song that is on the radio" song. Coyote - The Lonely Fores
Finally I have my feel good drinking song that I just recently started listening to. Icona Pop really does know how to make me want to break it down with my white man dance moves.

Anyways talking to guys across the country who are all in different parts of their discovery has been really enjoyable and I get as much from them as they do from me, sometimes I think I might even benefit more. So I hope all you bros are enjoying the football season (Liz's fantasy team is stacked compared to mine but her league, 6 girls, has a little less competition so I don't feel so bad) But I hope you all get to go out, enjoy a beer and cheer for your team this year.

Anyways I am headed to bed but I wanted to leave you guys with a quote from the book I just finished "Remember tonight, for it's the beginning of forever." I have been trying to keep that on my mind recently, really enjoying the things that have come into my life and also taking advantage of the moment I am in. It sounds stupid and shit but I have a lot of shit planned out for my future... 3 kids at 30, lake house, family vacations, and who knows if it all happens, but for now I am going to make this shit count and realize that people coming into my life now can have a lasting change.

ALRIGHT ONE MORE SONG.... sheeesh calm down. No but this one is my WTF song of the day. Listen to the lyrics... its slightly like Royals by Lorde... but a little more out there. Habits - Tove Lo
Stay classy Dudes. GND.

Friday, June 7, 2013

I'm alive


Okay enough dramatics but I am alive. I just got home from a night out with friends and while I will regret this in the AM, I thought I would post for you guys.

Life is good, I think I only blog when I need to figure shit out  and right now my life is steady. I am happy. On my way to the next step... planning it all out and such, and I am in better shape than ever. Alright well time to pass out. Just thought you should know I am alive, and fucking dig this version of this song.

Good night bros.

Friday, March 29, 2013


Chreaster- (n) - Someone who only attends church services on Christmas and Easter.

I have become a Chreaster, not on purpose but it happened. I have not been to church since Christmas. I got busty, I travel on weekends, I am too tired, there is a game on, who knows. I was going to church twice a week for a while and was really enjoying my bible study but things clearly have fallen by the wayside there. I am a Christian, I was raised in a church, with my parents as the Sunday School Teachers, much more so my father than my mother, but she went... until she stopped going but that is a story for another day. But my church has always been accepting and when I moved after college it was important I find another accepting church. I did, but I just haven't made the time I need to for my relationship with god. Which to me is outside of church, there is a huge difference between religion and faith. I have faith but lack religious conviction. Anyways this was a wild tangent from what I wanted to post about this song and Might to Save are two of my favorites.

This weekend Liz and I are going to my grandparents, this is the first time we have really done holidays together, we did Easter in college but that was because of timing not by choice. It should be a fun weekend spent shooting guns, eating too much, celebrating Christ, and drinking a little too much, all the things my family loves to do. I am looking forward to a weekend away where we don't have a schedule to keep or people to meet up with, it will be good for us.

Anyways guys Happy Easter. I hope everyone gets to spend some time with the people they love, whether that is friends, family, loved ones, or your dog, I hope you enjoy it.

Until next time I have something to ramble about,

PS. I have things built up but Ill be home for the next few weeks so I need things to blog about to fill my time.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


Marriage. It is clearly on my mind... if you haven't read my post from last night, which I am guessing you haven't because I am posting the next day, it is on the immediate horizon for me. I bought an engagement ring after a lot of shopping, talking to some readers, talking to really good friends, and doing a little soul searching. But the issue is also on the minds of our country, but before I dive into that, this is the best version I have seen of the picture above today:

Okay now that we have all had a good laugh at Paula Dean.... I really do hope that something comes out of the Supreme Court cases. I think DOMA is crock of shit and I am not constitutional scholar but it seems to be pretty unconstitutional to me, which would be a game changer in the gay marriage fight. Anyways, I really hope people continue to come around to human rights (gay rights are human rights) and that in 10 years we can look back and wonder why this was even an issue. I also hope my kids look back and are embarrassed for us, and while we were raised in different times it is how I have sometime thought about my grandparents and great grandparents in the civil rights movement. 

Okay the song of the day before I get to the personal stuff, another Spotify radio discovery and again they only have 5 songs so they have been on repeat but I really like them, they sound especially great blasting from your rental car, just trust me. 


There is a part in the song that slows down and says "I want to be the one you love, I don't want to be the you lost" and that is really what flipped the light bulb in my head. Not this song, and I really didn't put that together until I was screening videos for this post, I just like the music. But the words ring true with how I feel, I couldn't stand to lose Liz, I want to be the one who grows old with her, take trips with, raise a family with, and everything in between. I know it won't be all sunshine and roses and family vacations but we have been through bad stuff before, both independently with our families and together we have weathered some major storms. Things are really good (got woken up at 4 am on Monday by a nice BJ turned into sex... what a way to start the work week, and I got to sleep in because I didn't travel out till later) and we are ready for this. We meaning me. But I really am. I know who I am, what my faults and weaknesses are and I know that I have to deal with those. Will I still watch gay and bi porn? Yes. That will still happen. Will I admire a hot guy as he runs down the street in my sunglasses, hell yes. Will I enjoy the look of guys dripping wet drinking on the water at the lake this summer, more than you will know. But over all that I enjoy Liz, and as a bisexual male... I pick her, for life, not for now. And that is something I am making a part of the very core of my existence.

I know we fought, and  I had a weak moment and I know we will fight again but I can work at being stronger. She deserves better and somehow I got her convinced I am that better man, so I am bound and determined to be him.

Hope you guys have a good one and thanks to MadMenMD for the shout out at Pathologically Confused even though he just left me hanging in a g-chat convo... nice bro. But I mean it, I appreciate all the people I hear from on here, and am open to talking to whoever.  

Finally, to the guy who messaged me about wanting to talk to someone, I hope you found your person man., I am here if you need it but I can't tell you how important it is to have someone to talk to. I never would have made it to where I am if it were not for RJ and others so I really hope you found someone. 

Eyes: Me, Asses: down....

....Lots to cover.

That is a youtube quote from the professor brothers which really takes me back to college but I thought it was fitting because I do have a lot to cover. I have a post I really want to do for you guys based on a question I was posed via e-mail but before all of that, I need to come clean with you guys.

I bought the ring.

I am ready. I can be the man she needs and deserves. I know I can. I have been shopping around for months now and had a plan on how I wanted to do it before the fights happened and things got better. And are much better now, much much better. This weekend as we lay in bed together naked I couldn't believe I had jeopardized how right that felt. Liz completes me.... well almost all of me. And that other part, that is the part I have to work with. No other woman holds a flame to Liz and I would never dream of cheating on her with a woman... I have no idea why it hasn't been the same with men. But that is so different and I am working through that. But right now the absolute in my life is her.

Anyways, that is where I am. For a song I am posting this new Pink song... it has nothing to do with how I feel now, but a lot to do with how I felt before and I really enjoy it. I like Nate Ruess of Fun. and this song resonated with me. My dad and I had a convo about this song and it is funny because we have both had guy friends bring it up to us even though he describes it as a "total chick song."

I have been on the road for almost 2 straight weeks so I will be updating more after Easter because I will be home for a while and I have e-mails to reply to and posts to write. But until then enjoy this tune and Happy Easter.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Thirsty Thursday

Whats up guys? I hope everyone is doing well. I have been pretty deep on here recently and I wanted everyone to know that fun GND is still here. I went out with friends tonight and had a great time but I am home now in bed with 3 alarms set so that I can get up to pack for a weekend with Liz before work. It will be a challenge but I am ready for it.

As for this installments tune, I am going with Bruno Mars. I really like this song and its old now and everyone has heard it but I had a great Thursday and this is one of my favorite jams.

First off, I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me in that past couple days. I am working through stuff, and that is a personal thing but I really appreciate all the insight from readers and friends. Especially from the readers who have become friends.

Secondly, I regret how much I have posted this week. Simply for the fact that the shower post is probably the post I am most proud of since starting this blog. I feel that it is the most open and honest about how I have felt and I really hope that of all my ramblings, people have taken the time to read that since it captures where I am right now. I just reread it now, and yeah there are errors and things I would fix, but  I don't like my blog to come across as perfect. I prefer the stream of conscious. It is my raw emotion and feeling at the time of writing. 

Finally I want everyone to know that I love Liz more than I can express. I just got off the phone with her and she makes me smile so much it hurts and I really do want that for the rest of my life... 

But, at the same time, I was out with friends tonight there was a large group of us and during the night Brittany (new person in my story, but a good friend here in KC) came up to me and ask if knew Alex (Brittany's friend)  was gay. I honestly had no idea at all, none, and I told her that. We carried on conversation, me Brittany and another friend. She was surprised neither of us knew but that was it. Flash forward to the end of the night and 4 of us share a cab home. I am in the back next to Austin and all I can feel is his leg rub up against mine. I am for sure not mad about it but I don't press back. I just let the light pressure be enough to let me know his leg is there... like a fruit on a vine that I don't dare pick but will forever be aware of.

In closing, my hormones and emotions are going through some shit. But the same fun loving guy next door is here. He may be a bit of the distraction from what is going on, but hey, we all need distracions every once and a while.

Love the drunk guy next door.
No homo.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The crack.

There is a scene in Ted (horrible reference for what is about to come, honestly, a teddy bear humping everything is site leading into this post is just ridiculous) where Mila Kunis looks at Mark Wahlberg  and her eyes convey defeat as they stand in the middle of the street and she asks for car keys back and Mark looks defeated as she drives away. I watched  Ted for the first time this weekend with Dani and the look in Mila's smoking hot eyes (couldn't resist) jumped off the screen and sent a shudder up my spine....

You know the drill. Press play.

1:30 am on a Sunday morning
I am in a standoff like I have never been in my life. Currently planted firmly in the road blocking Liz's path searching her eyes for a sign of what is to come, as she searches mine for god knows what, I just wish I could show it to her and end this. She is in town on girls weekend and while things have led up to this moment, something snapped minutes ago, that led to us yelling at each other in front of the bar, then down the street after she stormed off, and again in the intersection where we currently stand. Our breathing calms down as she sobs and I silently cry on the street corner. In my mind a million things are racing around, how did we get here? we are not these people, never have been. We were the happy couple. But here we stand with her best friend 20 feet away silently pretending to be preoccupied with her phone making sure Liz doesn't run off into the night. I stand there pleading with my eyes, asking if we can please go back to my place and talk about this. She is defiant but eventually gives in to me due to the cold and the drizzle that is falling, blanketing the bar district in a cold sense of emptiness that I can also feel swelling from somewhere inside me. I meant what I said, but this fight is so much bigger than our current discussion on my friends and how fucked our plans got. I tried so hard to be accommodating but this weekend was destined to fail and there is too much back story to explain why. But I had been honest to god trying my hardest to make it work, but past issues of insecurity and lack of trust come surging to the surface the moment Liz's armor is cracked. But I deserve that, I really do. We are damaged goods but we end up back at my place talking about things, all kinds of things. Why we fought, me being unahppy in my current job/location, my relationship with my mother, her parent, every issue in our relationship...

Almost every issue.

We spend the night together and talk. Things seem somewhat better and I am much happier when she is around than when she is not. She leaves that morning to go back to her friends but I come over later in the afternoon bring food to cure their hangovers along with a broken confidence, but for her best girlfriends they let me back in, I spend the afternoon watching her sleep clutching to my leg as I half watch a movie. When she sleeps she hold on to me like a child clutching their favorite toy in order to protect it from some kid who may come along and snatch it from them. But for now I am here, steadfast, not going anywhere and she sleeps. The weekend ends and life goes back to the regular routine with us apart and we talk and things seem eternally broken, phone calls are short and the rooms feels colder as we talk but slowly we work on things. I assure her that we can work through this... we have been through worse, but it wears on me, I start to become worn down and entertain possibilities. But the change comes suddenly on her end. It takes this past weekend for me to see she really is coming back to me. But at that point it is too late, Wednesday has happened already.

For now all I know is that I love her, and want to be with her. But I am not sure that will ever be truly enough. Emotionally, I feel whole. But there is something that will always be a part of me that she doesn't truly understand, but I never really gave her a fair shot....


A reflection

Press Play. Just do it. Then read on.

9 am Saturday:
I wake up, Liz is still asleep next to me. I watch her sleep as come to, my thoughts immediately turn to finding the glass of water I usually have next to my bed... no such luck, we finished it last night after we had drunken sex. I start to think about the end of last night, the drunnken walk home from the party, memories slip in and out but things seemed to be better. We were almost hitting on all cylinders and the troubles we had been having seemed to in the past. I get up, realize how much my head hurts as I fill my cup in the sink and empty my bladder at the same time. I get back in bed and make sure the doors are closed since Dani is asleep on the couch in the living room. I slip under the comforter and press up on Liz's back, she reacts and conforms to me and I lay there drifting off to sleep thinking about how good it is to be back in this spot, it feels like it was made for me, but my mind starts to wander as I fade back out.

 10 am Saturday:
I am now wide awake, hungry and horny. So I start to toss and turn but Liz isn't thrilled (she loves her sleep, I on the other hand am surprised I slept this late. She finally stops protesting and we talk about the party from the night before and how things went well (she thinks I may have gone a little overboard on the keg stands, but I was at a kegger and that doesn't happen all the time in the adult world so I channeled college). But back to us, we lay there mostly naked and start to kiss, it feels good to be intimate again, it had been a month between mother nature and fights so we are back. But Liz is not about to let anything happen with Dani asleep on the other side of the wall. I keep pushing the issue and she says it isn't happening, we were drunk last night so it was okay but now she is sober and she can have a hard time staying quiet sometimes ;) I suggest we both get in the shower since it is further from where she is sleeping and the water will give us some cover. She consents and I get my devilish grin that I get when I get what I want. She goes in and starts the water and gets in and I go get a glass of juice from the kitchen where it hits me what is about to happen. My grin fades but my boner doesn't so I go with it. I get in the shower and we start to get hot and heavy, after some assessing the situation we end up in doggy position and I enter her... the rhythm starts to pick up after a while and the water hitting my back starts to give us away, the tell tale sound patterns of water hitting 2 different surfaces in a succinct beat. As I get lost in sound of the water and similarities of what is happening now to early this week my mind wanders.....

9 pm Wednesday:
I am drunk in my hotel room because the gal serving wine seems to have liked me and taken pity on me for being myself with my ipad and that sympathy turned into way more than the 2 glasses per guest the poster advertised. I am on the west coast and so its time for Liz to go to sleep, she has class early in the morning. She calls and its how it has been the past few weeks, ever since we were that couple. The one standing outside the bar screaming at each other, but more on that some other time. For now we are cold and distant on the phone, it seems impossible but she further away than the hundreds of miles that actually separate us. Here is the girl I am so sure I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have a drawer full of Jewelry Store Sales peoples cards back at home and have planned out the big day. But right now she is pushing me away, we talk idly about nothing until she brings up the upcoming weekend and how she just doesn't want to spend time with my friends and she isn't in a party mood and doesn't want to come visit anymore. I halfheartedly assure her I want her there. We move on to some other topic, I am not even sure what it was but we end up fighting about nothing. We calm down but I am pissed and get off the phone angry. I am not tired and decide to go for a walk. I end up at a bar down the road I order a beer, there are 2 guys playing pool, they look to be my age but seem to be in grad school based on their backpacks and one of them in a college sweatshirt. I am just passing the time on my phone and start to notice how good looking the guy not in a hoodie is. I am pissed and now I am horny so I fire up an account I have on a male search site that I used to use to try and find an erotic massage (it was a phase, who knew I only needed a groupon to find) anyways its not something I have used in a while but I switch the city to the one I am in and turn on the GPS part to see who is around. Within minutes local creepers are doing their work. I have another beer. I move through the creepers send a few "heys" of my own out there. Nothing is happening but then I get a message from a good looking guy in his 30s who is pretty close to me. I order a whiskey on the rocks and start chatting with this guy. Normal guy, works in the area and has a place about 4 blocks from the bar I ended up in. More talking, another whiskey. "So are you going to come over?" is his message. I respond with "sure but no promises on anything except for me taking a drink." He gives me the address, I pay my tab and walk out. I head to the address and start shaking as I wait at the gate but before I can falter and change my mind, he is there, letting me in, giving me a beer, and talking to me on the couch. Talking turns to talking rubbing my leg and I respond positively. Things keep moving. And I have pushed out the rest of my life. I'll never be here again right now I am not sure I'll have anything to look forward to, so I go numb and let the physical feelings drive. We are fooling around on his bed and he asks if I want to get in the shower, I respond by walking into the bathroom naked and fumble with starting his water... drunk and his shower was complicated... but he comes to the rescue and we are soon in the shower. I stand there with water cascading down my body as he goes down on me and my mind is void of all thought, he comes up and starts kissing me and asks me what I want to do. I am not one to drive in this kind of situation so I respond by asking what he wants, he thinks for a second then reaches around, grabs my ass and says he wants to fuck me. I tell him it has been a long time and I'm not sure. But he starts to kiss on my neck and tell me he will be gentle. I consent and he goes to work on getting me ready before running to grab a condom.  Before I know it, I am propped up on the tub side as he fucks me. I never liked doggy before but I am just riding the waves of being fucked again, he starts to pick up the pace and my eyes are rolling back in my head and soon enough I am going weak in the knees and shooting all over his shower curtain and wall...

I realize I am staring at the spot on the wall I would have shot on Wednesday as Liz moans snap me back to where I am now. In my shower, with my girlfriend. After her breathing returns to normal I pull out and she turns around and helps me finish off... things seem to be much better for us but now I thinking about what I did this week. She smiles at me and tells me this was really good, better than last night even, and I smile back. I kiss her and then suggest we hurry up so that Dani doesn't wake up and come looking...

Well there it is guys. What has been on my mind. All this reading made me want to try another style of writing. I hope you enjoyed it but I do this more for me now so if you didn't you probably are not even reading this part, but if you hung on this long to complain more power to you.


Friday, March 8, 2013

Word Vomit

So if you read my last post from this morning you know I have a friend visiting. She is currently passed out on my couch (whiskey will do that to you) anyways this is a post I need to get out right now while I have the liquid courage to do so.

I have been reading Crosscurrents by Adam Phillips and it has opened up a whole host of emotions for me. I am not sure what to react to first, their is so much on my mind. But the thing I am going over now is open and frank conversation that the main character has with his father. It got me thinking.. the entire story has me thinking, but those chapters in the middle really have me perplexed. I can't sleep right now because so much shit is running through my mind.

First off I am planning on telling my friend who is here about my orientation and how I dated a guy in college and how all of this relates to things Liz (my GF, there I finally named her, I was tired of saying my GF over and over, that seemed like a catfish situation where she didn't even have a name) and I are going through now. So I plan on telling Dani (friend from home) a lot of this on Sunday once Liz leaves town. Dani is staying till Monday and I think it will help fill in the gaps. In high school there were some whispers and maybe somethings even louder than that and I don't really think I knew what I was until recently when I accepted the bisexual thing and telling Dani about it is a step for me.

In a weird "the world is a small place" thing Dani has become friends with a guy I knew growing up from scouts. Evan was an awesome kid that I met when I was 12 and is one of the many guys I would end up fooling around with through scouting. Evan was different though, he was cool, had his shit together and was the one who came on to me. He must be bisexual but since then we haven't spoken much. I don't remember how it started but I remember it happening many time. My most profound memory is when I arrived late to a camping weekend because of game I had that morning and when I got there and was assigned a tent (with Evan) I took my stuff over and unloaded it and was setting up my sleeping bag and next thing I know he was right behind me in the tent and had his dick out and just said man am I glad you are here. We never went past jacking each other off, but we would both ask each other what we wanted to do. I know in hindsight I was trying to push it further (who doesn't want head) but we were both scared to take it further. Anyways, Evan is the first guy I think I ever felt something for. He was cool and I loved hanging around with him and having his hand on my dick was great... but as we got later into our teens we both became less involved and since we went to different high schools I barely ever saw him. We are friends on FB but now he is hanging out with some of my best friends because of a random college connection that has led to him coming back around. I am going home in a month and will most likely see him. I have no idea why I am thinking about that now... I guess the story has just brought back a lot of memories I has suppressed or not dealt with in a long time.

I guess we all have a past, I just need to start accepting mine and telling people about it. I doubt anything will change with Dani but at this point if people can't accept me for who I REALLY am, then I don't need them in my life.

Sorry for the ramble guys, I have had things on my mind all day and just needed to write some stuff out. I have a lot of reactions to share about the story, I suggest reading it, it really is great and you can really get a feel for someone who is so fucking lost on how they feel inside and struggling to find themselves.  I think I am past that point now, its just getting to the point where I share who I am along with accept it.

Okay, I need to pass out. I have to work in the morning and be a good host for the rest of the weekend. I'll talk to you fools next week.

Guy Next Door.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

This week, in brief.

I wanted to give you guys a quick update as I sit around waiting for my flight. I keep punting the issue with my girlfriend down the line but after this week things will be much more evident in how things are going to play out.

Here is a jam to listen to while I lay my week out for you guys. It asks the age old question of "Do you like Bass?" I have to admit there was a time in my life where I was afraid of loud noises now I have my bass cranked all the way up. I have to remember to turn my music down when I pull into work, people stare.  Anyways, this will be playing at my friends and I party this weekend at some point.

Work: Sucked, had some meetings getting a little too dramatic over the week and my team looked less than prepared
Travel: In an awesome area so that helped make up for the shitty work week. If only PNW guy hadn't moved away, I probably could have met up with him.

Future Travel: Have tentative plans to meet RJ, finally. We will see if things pan out. So then I can join the ranks of bloggers meeting other bloggers. Except he doesn't blog anymore and since my rebirth in the blogging world, my new readers don't know who he is. I wish you had the chance, he is a great guy who got me through a lot of shit. He posted a comment a post or 2 back.

GF: This weekend will be a big tell. Things have been rocky emotionally for her but I am riding out the storm and will update you guys when I have a cohesive story to tell.

Weekend: Set up to be one the best in a long time. When I get home this afternoon one of my best friends will be waiting at the airport having flown in from home and we have some great stuff planned for our long weekend. The GF will be around and I am going to be making a conscious effort to work on things, I just have to keep my head when the fun starts. I tend to get wrapped up in the moment and next thing you know I have buying rounds of shots and not being the most attentive... well not even forming real words.We are working on keeping that to a minimum.

Me: Who knows guys.... It is a grab bag in here. But alright  I am out. I have some first class beverages to suck down on my flight today. Getting picked up at the airport has so many benefits.

Until next week my friends.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Follow Up

Post number 2 of the day, and probably the last. I read a post on either TFM (Total Frat Move) or PGP (Post Grad Problems) about working from starbucks and I was laughing out loud when I read it over Christmas and I realized I fit the mold. I am sitting here drinking my overpriced cup of coffee in my Columbia boots, flannel shirt and my retro watch listening to my music, which I think is cooler than all the music the other people in here are doing, and I am writing a blog post. I hate myself but at the same time find it pretty funny and am enjoying my morning of reading the news and posting on here from the coffee shop. We all deserve a break sometimes.

This post is about getting a massage so for music I am going with ambient background music like you would hear in a massage room. It is by Explosions in the Sky and is called Your Hand in Mine. Hope you enjoy it, if you don't I really don't care.

So the follow up refers to my massage. I went back yesterday. I called the day before when I decided to kick off vacation with a  massage after work. (another guy dressed as a hipster but he had a cardigan on just stared me down... apparently I am in his starbucks, my b dude) I knew I was scheduled with a different guy this time but since I was going right from work there was no way I was going to be able to clean my gun before hand just to help with not throwing wood in the middle of it. I wasn't sure if I wanted the help or not but I didn't want to be tenting up the whole time.

Anyways different guy so I really don't know what to expect, this place only has male staff which seems slightly odd but whatever. So I go in get down to my birthday suit and then lay down. He works my back over and legs and things are fine. Now comes the time to roll over and things are going fine. I will say this guy was pretty hairy and he did some things where he rubbed his entire arm on my back and neck, I can't decide if I liked it or not... still on the fence. Anyways I flip over and tense up, because I get nervous. At times he is almost yelling at me to relax... not helping bro.  Anyways he does the normal stuff, legs and arms and hands, no abnormal brushing or anything. And then it is over...

So no funny business this time... But I am considering paying full price at that place its not as expensive as others but that probably won't happen. I enjoy the finer things in life but I need to live within my means for a while.

Till next time,

Mama's Boy

I have a lot to write about but I am not ready to flesh all of that out, it has been a rough week for me. I left the blog feeling pretty good after a great night with friends on Friday. From there things went downhill and the lady and I are in an interesting spot right now. I was talking to MadMenMD and he told me to really flesh out how I am feeling about her for you guys but I have other stuff on my mind right now.

First. Enjoy this cover. I stumbled upon it, only 4,000 hits but I love Daft Punk and this is a pretty great version.

Another interjection - I was talking with Brotastic this week and we both agreed it is incredibly hard to come back to a post after you start it but don't finish in the first sitting. I have had more free time than usual this week but couldn't bring myself to finish my post so here I am now a week later finally finishing this.

So when I started this post I was pissed at my Mom because it had been 2 weeks since I had talked to her and I had reached out twice to try and get her to contact me, I just wanted to talk to my mom. I had personal stuff going on and I wanted her to want to talk to me. She was busy dealing with her own personal mess, which she has made for  herself recently, and I guess she was just too caught up in all of it to talk. It is hard for me to not be mad at her because I don't agree with the decisions she has been making recently. But it is her life and I just go back to the phrase that got me through my parents divorce initially, the serenity prayer. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Well since then we have spoken a couple times but she isn't there and all the way. I guess I just miss my mom and how she used to be. My Dad too, after a big family gathering in January that my dad flew out to the heartland for I saw some cousins a few weeks later and the first thing they said was that they were concerned about my dad, His whole demeanor has changed... I was upset by that but I guess I knew that already, but no one in the family had pointed it out.  Anyways this has happened to my mom but on a more drastic level, I don't recognize it. 

Anyways I don't know what I am saying here really except getting my feelings out. Expect a couple posts today because I have time to kill waiting for my vacation to start and I am posted up in starbucks. 


Saturday, February 16, 2013

Happy Weekend

I am currently pregaming for a night out. I have to hit up a couple different parties across town tonight but I will get to see a lot of different people which is nice when you are in town once a month. Had a great week in a city I hadn't ever spend a significant amount of time in.

Anyways nothing really I want to flesh out right now, my biggest issue at hand is that I have a bunch of booze in my apartment but none of it mixes with Coke, so tequila on ice is how I am pregaming this night and since I am starting at 6:30 shit is going to get weird tonight. In the end, I want the night to get weird, these are the best nights out there.

As for tune for tonight... I am just going to repost this song from a couple posts ago. My friends and I "joke" about wanting to do coke and go rage at a club. Its somewhat serious but somewhat a joke. Who knows, maybe one day while I am young and don't have kids.

 Last note: This morning I woke up naked in bed, and retraced my clothes throughout my apartment, with the sweater I wore last night being outside of my apartment in the hallway... I hope everyone has has just as classy of a weekend.

Keep Calm and Rage On.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Decision made

Made a decision today... I am going back to the massage guy I talked about in this post. I got a massage from someone else today and during it my mind wandered to how good a massage that was and how great that release felt at the end. Laying there eyes closed, twitching, having him towel off the mess he just made of me.... Anyways I got boned up and had to start thinking about the spreadsheet I spent a good part of my afternoon "analyzing." That saved me the embarrassment right then. I think I will go in a few weeks post my big party weekend with my friends from college... let him work the booze out of my muscles.

Nothing else new to report but I am really working on this whole being bisexual thing. Its a challenge.

As for a song today... Forest Gump by Frank Ocean. I was a behind the 8 ball on this but after watching him at The Grammys and learning more about his back story I like his story and some of his music. I have heard about him on some other blogs and stuff. But anyways clearly this massage guy has been running on my mind... not outside the massage but in that context he has.

I am off to some friends for dinner, drinks and doing laundry... Happy Fat Tuesday everybody!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Our old friend fear..

I love this song, the original and also this cover. I just discovered these guys thanks to spotify radio. (Does pandora know I have moved on? I feel a little guilty.) Anyways enjoy while you read some more ramblings from the guy next door.

Anyways not too much to say today... I do have shit going on in my life but I don't want to post about it right now. I am just looking forward to my first time on the slopes this year. Coming up in a couple weeks. I barely ever get to go skiing anymore, I act like I used to live at a mountain, but I do I wish I could go more.  I wish a lot of things right now.... I wish I had more money, I wish my taxes (and my laundry, for that matter) would do themselves, I wish I wasn't bi but most of all I wish I had gotten the job I applied for that would have let me move.... but many different factors weighed and I am staying put in my job that allows me to do anything but stay put. This is already my 23rd night for the year in a hotel, that is about half the time and this has been my "slow month."

Alright, enough bitching. I had a jumbo whiskey coke and now I'm ready for bed.

Stay classy blog readers, all 4 of you.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

What I want...

Warning: This post will be a little selfish, but also much more open. Deal with it Bro. Also do not get used to me posting 3 days in a row, I will be posting more but not everyday. I am no Bi Like Me, I don't know how that guy does it.

So to start us off I have a song. Here it is. Listen to it, because I am going to talk about it.
This song represents a ton of shit to me and I am not going to get into the over analysis of it too much but the video is also pretty interesting. To me this is something I would dance to at a bar hammered out of my mind, bumping and grinding on the dance floor or where ever I may be. It also takes me back to college and for some reason I associate it with a lot of moments and I would picture myself if I had lived the Fraternity Memoirs. Don't ask me why, I just do. It seems like a Frat Castle Party Song and for some reason in my life I have romanticized the idea of Greek Life and really wish I had that to look back on (see earlier post, and for that matter more of this post). I really thank Cameron at If I do the right thing for bringing those stories to my attention. I hope Walsh is out there happy with his life... I also want to suggest you go read MadManMD's thoughts on it as well. Reading another guys reaction helped me figure out how the fuck I felt.

Okay so if you are still with me after all those links I just posted here it goes. I want an Adam figure from the stories. An older brother kind of figure who I can go to with shit, is anywhere from 3 to 10 years older than me, pushes me to work harder in all aspects of life, and behind closed doors, well we can have fun. At the same time I want to marry my girlfriend, have a family and be an awesome dad to 2.4 little kids. The American Dream, with a little cock mixed in. I know this is delusional but I am being honest here. It is also incredibly selfish. And I know that, but I don't know how to make this work in my life. I have 2 incredibly different sexual appetites and they both like to be fed.

With him, I would want him to be in charge, throw me around a little bit and tell me what to do. But not in the creepy wear a leather mask and own you kind of way... In a Big situation in a frat. I want to be able to play video games and bet a blow job on who gets the most kills in the next match (I'll lose) or who wins the next MarioKart race (I'll win) and after that I want us to be normal buds, have our wives be friends and our kids get along. But I also want him to fuck me every once and a while... no homo.... wait what....

And with her it would be the opposite, I take charge in the bedroom and love to give it to her a little fast and hard. Switch up the positions and make her toes curl up. With a guy, I hate being in charge, I guess that is why the masseuse got lucky that I just went with the flow, but I can't imagine not being the boss with my lady. Call me old fashioned.... with a 21st century twist.  

Anyways I know this is delusional and incredibly selfish and so unlikely that I don't know why I entertain the thoughts but for now, I am going to pass out in my hotel room thinking about what the fuck I am going to do with my life.

Guy Next Door.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Girls and Groupon get you off.

Two days in a row... Not going to repeated a lot but I do plan on blogging more now. I am getting more comfortable and I am 99.9% sure none of you know who I am so what the hell why not.

Before I start. Shoot me an e-mail, I enjoy chatting and I use it to fill times in airplanes, airports, hotel rooms, and my apartment alone. 

So this is a 2 pronged post and the title has two meanings. So to get started here is the song of the day:

It is from the show girls, which I have only seen a couple episodes but I wanted to talk about a scene from an episode this season. It involves a dude who is now gay having sex with a girl but can't get it up. He tries "just one or two pumps" as he says and it doesn't work out.  It had me thinking about my sexual preferences and things like that. I love sex with my girlfriend, yeah it is somewhat vanilla but its always good for both of us and we know what each other likes but I also have that itch for guys.  Now I have never had a problem getting it up with her, besides the few instances of being hammered beyond belief, but after dating this long I just tell her its not going to happen, or try to only get that smashed when she is on her period. (Don't stop reading this post will get back to dick by the end)  But I do watch Bi porn (MMF) and gay porn more when I jerk it, I don't know what it is. Being Bi can be a struggle and I am not sure how I want to handle that moving forward... I guess I will keep listening to my body.

So on that note, I like massages. Who doesn't like a massage. I also like a good deal, so massages on groupon are my kind of thing. I have purchased a few. At the same time I had always considered looking online for a gay massage or massage from a guy at least, no funny business needed. Anyways so all of the massages I had purchased up until this January were by women.  So I got a man for my most recent one and that really got me thinking about stuff. I didn't want to throw a boner during it or at least try not so I jacked off just before going and then I rinsed off and headed to my appointment. I get there and the guy is not what I would hope for in a male masseuse, I am thinking this is a win for me so that I won't cause any awkward moments.  This was a work day but I had flown in earlier in the morning and spent the afternoon catching up at home so by the time I got there, the place was empty except for us ( I SWEAR this is a legit place) I just happened to be the last appointment. Normal massage, he asks me focus areas (shoulder, I carry a heavy computer bag and had been lifting that week) and we get started. 50 minutes in I am not hard nothing has been too abnormal. He tells me I need to relax more and also need to stretch as my legs are really tight (true). He then says he is going to stretch my legs so he starts doing so leg stuff raising them up and such but then he goes to stretch it by crossing my body and says he needs to move my "family jewels"... I am a little shocked but hey I am rather relaxed and say sure. So he does and there is no real reaction or anything.

He then switches to my other side and repeats all the stretches but this time doesn't ask permission to move "the jewels" he just does it. Whatever, only a little blood flowing after to cuppings and lifts. He then starts to massage my thighs and works his way higher and higher... up one side then switches back and forth. He is now grazing my nut sack quite a bit... I am laying there freaking out a little and having a debate in my head about what is going on. I don't react. He keeps this going for a few mins (seems like forever) and I am clearly reacting. He then starts massaging up closer to my dick and nudges it more than a few times. I am laying there pretty tense and unsure what to do and he just says... "You good and relaxed?" I answer " .....uh.... yeah" AND THEN BOOM. He is on my dick. So I got my first happy ending. I shot a HUGE load too, especially for having just jacked off.  He had plenty of lube and I was really relaxed so that helped him out for sure.

So.... I got a happy ending and I can't believe it happened. I now have a HUGE dilemma because I didn't go seeking that out, it just happened but I have a 2 pack and I am not sure what to do about the 2nd one... it was a great orgasm though. I almost twitched off the table....

Anyways hope you guys stuck with my ramble. Not my best sex description but hey... it has been a while since I had anything juicy like that.

Alright talk to you guys

Guy Next Door...

Thinking about changing to Bro Next Door... just for shits and giggles. Not going to do it... but thinking about it. I can't say I am not going back for that second massage.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


As I try and blog more I figured (well, someone asked for) a refresher in the characters in my story and what is going on in my life. You can see the comment that sparked this on my last post and I am going to try and respond to everything they asked. I have some other things to write about, including an interesting situation I had earlier this month but it has taken me this long to get comfortable with it. 

As for music... I am going with a Sammy Adams song. Not sure why, I have been listening to it a lot recently. Enjoy this while you read about the characters in my life.

Me: I am still at my first job out of college but I did submit some interest letters and stuff like that at the end of last week and today. Doing alright, getting ready to take some serious steps with my GF.

Family: Shit is getting better, the divorce rocked all of us and I know that none of our relationships will be the same down the line. I am still the glue holding shit together for my family but after the holidays and planning all of it, they are going to have to get their shit together a little bit more. My dad still refuses to date online... he will get there one day. My mom is crazy and doing just fine with her new family but things have gotten better with us. My sister is still a bitch but I am hoping she grows up here soon, I give her space and time though, she had to live through it while I was out on my own and I will never know what that was like for her.

GF 2: Still the current GF. Things have gotten so much better on that front. I am ready to take it to terms where we won't be just dating and actually have a plan. I just need to figure out what that means for me and I will explain.

GF1: We still talk every once and a while but she is slightly crazy and working 2 or 3 jobs ( I can't keep track) but has no career or path she wants to follow. I can't relate to that.

RJ: He took down his blog, we are still really close. He proof read my job stuff, we talk every week. I don't want to share too much about his life but he is still the best thing to come out of this blog. We have never met but came close when I was on a business trip. We would both like to.

Super Bowl: Happy with the outcome

Blog: Not going to delete. I have a lot more to say and I think I am going to be a little more open on here. I think I need that for me.

Hope this is a good refresher on some of it. I don't even know the names I used for everyone back in the day so I can't update on other people I have written about but here is this.

Feel free to drop me a line... I would love to talk to people in similar situations.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The heat.

What up blog world. I have tried to write this post a few times but wasn't sure what to say or how to say it but here goes...  (Thanks for the comments, it really does encourage me to write more, which helps me figure out all the shit going on in my head)

I close my eyes and I can go back to so many moments when I feel the heat of another guys chest... Boobs are great, don't get me wrong, but the heat of a chiseled pec on a naked guy just barely covered by the sheets of a bed, that is a whole different animal. Actually, it is almost an animalistic desire or emotion. I can think of a few different times where I was laying next to a hot buddy, post orgasm, and would just lay my hand on the epicenter of  the heat I start to get hard again. Just thinking about that takes me back to some really good times.

A couple different things in my life have made me think about that, the first being the Frat Memoirs that a couple other bloggers talked about from  I have only 1 story left to finish but it sounds like the guy who wrote them just dropped off the internet and reading what is the last one will really bother me... especially without a resolution so I am waiting on that. But reading these stories made me think about my decision in college to not go Greek. Something I have looked back on with questionable feelings. Between the hot stories I read online and some extreme loneliness I felt these past couple weeks I really started to wonder what life would be like if I had letters of my own. I am pretty sure  I wouldn't have met my gf and I am glad things have worked out the way they have, I also wish I had a close group of brothers to talk to and do shit together. Yeah I have friends from college, really good friends, but I am the only one in my city and we only get together every couple months. 

Anyways, I hope you all are good. And enjoy the song I picked. Pandora brought it back into my life recently.  I want you all to know I am feeling better and have been doing stuff with coworkers and friends to beat the boredom, so much so that I postponed writing this for a week.. so things are on the up.

Stay classy but have fun my friends.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

And so it goes

I have no idea how long it has been, but I am still thinking I am going to delete this thing here soon. I just wanted to put another post out there because I read on "Bi Like Me's" blog he talked to his first sexual experience and I recently had a similar event occur. I didn't actually talk to the guy who introduced me to guy on guy action but when I was home over Christmas I went to the local bar area and ran into a bunch of people from high school, people I never really talked to in High School but that is long gone so now we talk. One kid that I thought was an ass even bought my buddy and I shots... what do I care, its free shots.

Anyways this has nothing to do with that. So I run into a guy who grew up down the street from me, Nick and I start asking him about Kevin, who also lived in our neighborhood. They were much closer than I was with either of them and he dropped off social media a while ago. I knew Kevin wasn't doing so hot back in college because he would message me around the holidays and ask to meet up in parking garages or something like that when he came back to visit, his family had moved away and he would stay with friends and while bouncing around he would try and get ahold of me. I met him once or twice (I was a horny college kid). But it was nothing really. Anyways it turns out he has been to rehab a couple times. He got a girl pregnant and married her, but I know he always struggled with stuff. Most recently things were going well with his son and wife and then he just went off the deep end, had a melt down and drank and smoked himself into the hospital one day where he almost died from the mix of pills he had taken and all the booze he drank. He apparently ended up in a psych facility because he had a break down about being gay in the middle of his drunken stupor and scared his wife. I hope he gets the help he needs, I feel guilty for some reason but I am not really sure why...

Well I hope everyone is well. 2013 is here and I am hungover on my couch so it feels like not much has changed for me.

Hope everyone is doing well. Keep Calm and Love On.