Chreaster- (n) - Someone who only attends church services on Christmas and Easter.
I have become a Chreaster, not on purpose but it happened. I have not been to church since Christmas. I got busty, I travel on weekends, I am too tired, there is a game on, who knows. I was going to church twice a week for a while and was really enjoying my bible study but things clearly have fallen by the wayside there. I am a Christian, I was raised in a church, with my parents as the Sunday School Teachers, much more so my father than my mother, but she went... until she stopped going but that is a story for another day. But my church has always been accepting and when I moved after college it was important I find another accepting church. I did, but I just haven't made the time I need to for my relationship with god. Which to me is outside of church, there is a huge difference between religion and faith. I have faith but lack religious conviction. Anyways this was a wild tangent from what I wanted to post about this song and Might to Save are two of my favorites.
This weekend Liz and I are going to my grandparents, this is the first time we have really done holidays together, we did Easter in college but that was because of timing not by choice. It should be a fun weekend spent shooting guns, eating too much, celebrating Christ, and drinking a little too much, all the things my family loves to do. I am looking forward to a weekend away where we don't have a schedule to keep or people to meet up with, it will be good for us.
Anyways guys Happy Easter. I hope everyone gets to spend some time with the people they love, whether that is friends, family, loved ones, or your dog, I hope you enjoy it.
Until next time I have something to ramble about,
GND
PS. I have things built up but Ill be home for the next few weeks so I need things to blog about to fill my time.
Marriage. It is clearly on my mind... if you haven't read my post from last night, which I am guessing you haven't because I am posting the next day, it is on the immediate horizon for me. I bought an engagement ring after a lot of shopping, talking to some readers, talking to really good friends, and doing a little soul searching. But the issue is also on the minds of our country, but before I dive into that, this is the best version I have seen of the picture above today:
Okay now that we have all had a good laugh at Paula Dean.... I really do hope that something comes out of the Supreme Court cases. I think DOMA is crock of shit and I am not constitutional scholar but it seems to be pretty unconstitutional to me, which would be a game changer in the gay marriage fight. Anyways, I really hope people continue to come around to human rights (gay rights are human rights) and that in 10 years we can look back and wonder why this was even an issue. I also hope my kids look back and are embarrassed for us, and while we were raised in different times it is how I have sometime thought about my grandparents and great grandparents in the civil rights movement.
Okay the song of the day before I get to the personal stuff, another Spotify radio discovery and again they only have 5 songs so they have been on repeat but I really like them, they sound especially great blasting from your rental car, just trust me.
There is a part in the song that slows down and says "I want to be the one you love, I don't want to be the you lost" and that is really what flipped the light bulb in my head. Not this song, and I really didn't put that together until I was screening videos for this post, I just like the music. But the words ring true with how I feel, I couldn't stand to lose Liz, I want to be the one who grows old with her, take trips with, raise a family with, and everything in between. I know it won't be all sunshine and roses and family vacations but we have been through bad stuff before, both independently with our families and together we have weathered some major storms. Things are really good (got woken up at 4 am on Monday by a nice BJ turned into sex... what a way to start the work week, and I got to sleep in because I didn't travel out till later) and we are ready for this. We meaning me. But I really am. I know who I am, what my faults and weaknesses are and I know that I have to deal with those. Will I still watch gay and bi porn? Yes. That will still happen. Will I admire a hot guy as he runs down the street in my sunglasses, hell yes. Will I enjoy the look of guys dripping wet drinking on the water at the lake this summer, more than you will know. But over all that I enjoy Liz, and as a bisexual male... I pick her, for life, not for now. And that is something I am making a part of the very core of my existence.
I know we fought, and I had a weak moment and I know we will fight again but I can work at being stronger. She deserves better and somehow I got her convinced I am that better man, so I am bound and determined to be him.
Hope you guys have a good one and thanks to MadMenMD for the shout out at Pathologically Confused even though he just left me hanging in a g-chat convo... nice bro. But I mean it, I appreciate all the people I hear from on here, and am open to talking to whoever.
Finally, to the guy who messaged me about wanting to talk to someone, I hope you found your person man., I am here if you need it but I can't tell you how important it is to have someone to talk to. I never would have made it to where I am if it were not for RJ and others so I really hope you found someone.
That is a youtube quote from the professor brothers which really takes me back to college but I thought it was fitting because I do have a lot to cover. I have a post I really want to do for you guys based on a question I was posed via e-mail but before all of that, I need to come clean with you guys.
I bought the ring.
I am ready. I can be the man she needs and deserves. I know I can. I have been shopping around for months now and had a plan on how I wanted to do it before the fights happened and things got better. And are much better now, much much better. This weekend as we lay in bed together naked I couldn't believe I had jeopardized how right that felt. Liz completes me.... well almost all of me. And that other part, that is the part I have to work with. No other woman holds a flame to Liz and I would never dream of cheating on her with a woman... I have no idea why it hasn't been the same with men. But that is so different and I am working through that. But right now the absolute in my life is her.
Anyways, that is where I am. For a song I am posting this new Pink song... it has nothing to do with how I feel now, but a lot to do with how I felt before and I really enjoy it. I like Nate Ruess of Fun. and this song resonated with me. My dad and I had a convo about this song and it is funny because we have both had guy friends bring it up to us even though he describes it as a "total chick song."
I have been on the road for almost 2 straight weeks so I will be updating more after Easter because I will be home for a while and I have e-mails to reply to and posts to write. But until then enjoy this tune and Happy Easter.
Whats up guys? I hope everyone is doing well. I have been pretty deep on here recently and I wanted everyone to know that fun GND is still here. I went out with friends tonight and had a great time but I am home now in bed with 3 alarms set so that I can get up to pack for a weekend with Liz before work. It will be a challenge but I am ready for it.
As for this installments tune, I am going with Bruno Mars. I really like this song and its old now and everyone has heard it but I had a great Thursday and this is one of my favorite jams.
First off, I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me in that past couple days. I am working through stuff, and that is a personal thing but I really appreciate all the insight from readers and friends. Especially from the readers who have become friends.
Secondly, I regret how much I have posted this week. Simply for the fact that the shower post is probably the post I am most proud of since starting this blog. I feel that it is the most open and honest about how I have felt and I really hope that of all my ramblings, people have taken the time to read that since it captures where I am right now. I just reread it now, and yeah there are errors and things I would fix, but I don't like my blog to come across as perfect. I prefer the stream of conscious. It is my raw emotion and feeling at the time of writing.
Finally I want everyone to know that I love Liz more than I can express. I just got off the phone with her and she makes me smile so much it hurts and I really do want that for the rest of my life...
But, at the same time, I was out with friends tonight there was a large group of us and during the night Brittany (new person in my story, but a good friend here in KC) came up to me and ask if knew Alex (Brittany's friend) was gay. I honestly had no idea at all, none, and I told her that. We carried on conversation, me Brittany and another friend. She was surprised neither of us knew but that was it. Flash forward to the end of the night and 4 of us share a cab home. I am in the back next to Austin and all I can feel is his leg rub up against mine. I am for sure not mad about it but I don't press back. I just let the light pressure be enough to let me know his leg is there... like a fruit on a vine that I don't dare pick but will forever be aware of.
In closing, my hormones and emotions are going through some shit. But the same fun loving guy next door is here. He may be a bit of the distraction from what is going on, but hey, we all need distracions every once and a while.
There is a scene in Ted (horrible reference for what is about to come, honestly, a teddy bear humping everything is site leading into this post is just ridiculous) where Mila Kunis looks at Mark Wahlberg and her eyes convey defeat as they stand in the middle of the street and she asks for car keys back and Mark looks defeated as she drives away. I watched Ted for the first time this weekend with Dani and the look in Mila's smoking hot eyes (couldn't resist) jumped off the screen and sent a shudder up my spine....
You know the drill. Press play.
1:30 am on a Sunday morning
I am in a standoff like I have never been in my life. Currently planted firmly in the road blocking Liz's path searching her eyes for a sign of what is to come, as she searches mine for god knows what, I just wish I could show it to her and end this. She is in town on girls weekend and while things have led up to this moment, something snapped minutes ago, that led to us yelling at each other in front of the bar, then down the street after she stormed off, and again in the intersection where we currently stand. Our breathing calms down as she sobs and I silently cry on the street corner. In my mind a million things are racing around, how did we get here? we are not these people, never have been. We were the happy couple. But here we stand with her best friend 20 feet away silently pretending to be preoccupied with her phone making sure Liz doesn't run off into the night. I stand there pleading with my eyes, asking if we can please go back to my place and talk about this. She is defiant but eventually gives in to me due to the cold and the drizzle that is falling, blanketing the bar district in a cold sense of emptiness that I can also feel swelling from somewhere inside me. I meant what I said, but this fight is so much bigger than our current discussion on my friends and how fucked our plans got. I tried so hard to be accommodating but this weekend was destined to fail and there is too much back story to explain why. But I had been honest to god trying my hardest to make it work, but past issues of insecurity and lack of trust come surging to the surface the moment Liz's armor is cracked. But I deserve that, I really do. We are damaged goods but we end up back at my place talking about things, all kinds of things. Why we fought, me being unahppy in my current job/location, my relationship with my mother, her parent, every issue in our relationship...
Almost every issue.
We spend the night together and talk. Things seem somewhat better and I am much happier when she is around than when she is not. She leaves that morning to go back to her friends but I come over later in the afternoon bring food to cure their hangovers along with a broken confidence, but for her best girlfriends they let me back in, I spend the afternoon watching her sleep clutching to my leg as I half watch a movie. When she sleeps she hold on to me like a child clutching their favorite toy in order to protect it from some kid who may come along and snatch it from them. But for now I am here, steadfast, not going anywhere and she sleeps. The weekend ends and life goes back to the regular routine with us apart and we talk and things seem eternally broken, phone calls are short and the rooms feels colder as we talk but slowly we work on things. I assure her that we can work through this... we have been through worse, but it wears on me, I start to become worn down and entertain possibilities. But the change comes suddenly on her end. It takes this past weekend for me to see she really is coming back to me. But at that point it is too late, Wednesday has happened already.
For now all I know is that I love her, and want to be with her. But I am not sure that will ever be truly enough. Emotionally, I feel whole. But there is something that will always be a part of me that she doesn't truly understand, but I never really gave her a fair shot....
9 am Saturday:
I wake up, Liz is still asleep next to me. I watch her sleep as come to, my thoughts immediately turn to finding the glass of water I usually have next to my bed... no such luck, we finished it last night after we had drunken sex. I start to think about the end of last night, the drunnken walk home from the party, memories slip in and out but things seemed to be better. We were almost hitting on all cylinders and the troubles we had been having seemed to in the past. I get up, realize how much my head hurts as I fill my cup in the sink and empty my bladder at the same time. I get back in bed and make sure the doors are closed since Dani is asleep on the couch in the living room. I slip under the comforter and press up on Liz's back, she reacts and conforms to me and I lay there drifting off to sleep thinking about how good it is to be back in this spot, it feels like it was made for me, but my mind starts to wander as I fade back out.
10 am Saturday:
I am now wide awake, hungry and horny. So I start to toss and turn but Liz isn't thrilled (she loves her sleep, I on the other hand am surprised I slept this late. She finally stops protesting and we talk about the party from the night before and how things went well (she thinks I may have gone a little overboard on the keg stands, but I was at a kegger and that doesn't happen all the time in the adult world so I channeled college). But back to us, we lay there mostly naked and start to kiss, it feels good to be intimate again, it had been a month between mother nature and fights so we are back. But Liz is not about to let anything happen with Dani asleep on the other side of the wall. I keep pushing the issue and she says it isn't happening, we were drunk last night so it was okay but now she is sober and she can have a hard time staying quiet sometimes ;) I suggest we both get in the shower since it is further from where she is sleeping and the water will give us some cover. She consents and I get my devilish grin that I get when I get what I want. She goes in and starts the water and gets in and I go get a glass of juice from the kitchen where it hits me what is about to happen. My grin fades but my boner doesn't so I go with it. I get in the shower and we start to get hot and heavy, after some assessing the situation we end up in doggy position and I enter her... the rhythm starts to pick up after a while and the water hitting my back starts to give us away, the tell tale sound patterns of water hitting 2 different surfaces in a succinct beat. As I get lost in sound of the water and similarities of what is happening now to early this week my mind wanders.....
9 pm Wednesday:
I am drunk in my hotel room because the gal serving wine seems to have liked me and taken pity on me for being myself with my ipad and that sympathy turned into way more than the 2 glasses per guest the poster advertised. I am on the west coast and so its time for Liz to go to sleep, she has class early in the morning. She calls and its how it has been the past few weeks, ever since we were that couple. The one standing outside the bar screaming at each other, but more on that some other time. For now we are cold and distant on the phone, it seems impossible but she further away than the hundreds of miles that actually separate us. Here is the girl I am so sure I want to spend the rest of my life with, I have a drawer full of Jewelry Store Sales peoples cards back at home and have planned out the big day. But right now she is pushing me away, we talk idly about nothing until she brings up the upcoming weekend and how she just doesn't want to spend time with my friends and she isn't in a party mood and doesn't want to come visit anymore. I halfheartedly assure her I want her there. We move on to some other topic, I am not even sure what it was but we end up fighting about nothing. We calm down but I am pissed and get off the phone angry. I am not tired and decide to go for a walk. I end up at a bar down the road I order a beer, there are 2 guys playing pool, they look to be my age but seem to be in grad school based on their backpacks and one of them in a college sweatshirt. I am just passing the time on my phone and start to notice how good looking the guy not in a hoodie is. I am pissed and now I am horny so I fire up an account I have on a male search site that I used to use to try and find an erotic massage (it was a phase, who knew I only needed a groupon to find) anyways its not something I have used in a while but I switch the city to the one I am in and turn on the GPS part to see who is around. Within minutes local creepers are doing their work. I have another beer. I move through the creepers send a few "heys" of my own out there. Nothing is happening but then I get a message from a good looking guy in his 30s who is pretty close to me. I order a whiskey on the rocks and start chatting with this guy. Normal guy, works in the area and has a place about 4 blocks from the bar I ended up in. More talking, another whiskey. "So are you going to come over?" is his message. I respond with "sure but no promises on anything except for me taking a drink." He gives me the address, I pay my tab and walk out. I head to the address and start shaking as I wait at the gate but before I can falter and change my mind, he is there, letting me in, giving me a beer, and talking to me on the couch. Talking turns to talking rubbing my leg and I respond positively. Things keep moving. And I have pushed out the rest of my life. I'll never be here again right now I am not sure I'll have anything to look forward to, so I go numb and let the physical feelings drive. We are fooling around on his bed and he asks if I want to get in the shower, I respond by walking into the bathroom naked and fumble with starting his water... drunk and his shower was complicated... but he comes to the rescue and we are soon in the shower. I stand there with water cascading down my body as he goes down on me and my mind is void of all thought, he comes up and starts kissing me and asks me what I want to do. I am not one to drive in this kind of situation so I respond by asking what he wants, he thinks for a second then reaches around, grabs my ass and says he wants to fuck me. I tell him it has been a long time and I'm not sure. But he starts to kiss on my neck and tell me he will be gentle. I consent and he goes to work on getting me ready before running to grab a condom. Before I know it, I am propped up on the tub side as he fucks me. I never liked doggy before but I am just riding the waves of being fucked again, he starts to pick up the pace and my eyes are rolling back in my head and soon enough I am going weak in the knees and shooting all over his shower curtain and wall...
I realize I am staring at the spot on the wall I would have shot on Wednesday as Liz moans snap me back to where I am now. In my shower, with my girlfriend. After her breathing returns to normal I pull out and she turns around and helps me finish off... things seem to be much better for us but now I thinking about what I did this week. She smiles at me and tells me this was really good, better than last night even, and I smile back. I kiss her and then suggest we hurry up so that Dani doesn't wake up and come looking...
Well there it is guys. What has been on my mind. All this reading made me want to try another style of writing. I hope you enjoyed it but I do this more for me now so if you didn't you probably are not even reading this part, but if you hung on this long to complain more power to you.
So if you read my last post from this morning you know I have a friend visiting. She is currently passed out on my couch (whiskey will do that to you) anyways this is a post I need to get out right now while I have the liquid courage to do so.
I have been reading Crosscurrents by Adam Phillips and it has opened up a whole host of emotions for me. I am not sure what to react to first, their is so much on my mind. But the thing I am going over now is open and frank conversation that the main character has with his father. It got me thinking.. the entire story has me thinking, but those chapters in the middle really have me perplexed. I can't sleep right now because so much shit is running through my mind.
First off I am planning on telling my friend who is here about my orientation and how I dated a guy in college and how all of this relates to things Liz (my GF, there I finally named her, I was tired of saying my GF over and over, that seemed like a catfish situation where she didn't even have a name) and I are going through now. So I plan on telling Dani (friend from home) a lot of this on Sunday once Liz leaves town. Dani is staying till Monday and I think it will help fill in the gaps. In high school there were some whispers and maybe somethings even louder than that and I don't really think I knew what I was until recently when I accepted the bisexual thing and telling Dani about it is a step for me.
In a weird "the world is a small place" thing Dani has become friends with a guy I knew growing up from scouts. Evan was an awesome kid that I met when I was 12 and is one of the many guys I would end up fooling around with through scouting. Evan was different though, he was cool, had his shit together and was the one who came on to me. He must be bisexual but since then we haven't spoken much. I don't remember how it started but I remember it happening many time. My most profound memory is when I arrived late to a camping weekend because of game I had that morning and when I got there and was assigned a tent (with Evan) I took my stuff over and unloaded it and was setting up my sleeping bag and next thing I know he was right behind me in the tent and had his dick out and just said man am I glad you are here. We never went past jacking each other off, but we would both ask each other what we wanted to do. I know in hindsight I was trying to push it further (who doesn't want head) but we were both scared to take it further. Anyways, Evan is the first guy I think I ever felt something for. He was cool and I loved hanging around with him and having his hand on my dick was great... but as we got later into our teens we both became less involved and since we went to different high schools I barely ever saw him. We are friends on FB but now he is hanging out with some of my best friends because of a random college connection that has led to him coming back around. I am going home in a month and will most likely see him. I have no idea why I am thinking about that now... I guess the story has just brought back a lot of memories I has suppressed or not dealt with in a long time.
I guess we all have a past, I just need to start accepting mine and telling people about it. I doubt anything will change with Dani but at this point if people can't accept me for who I REALLY am, then I don't need them in my life.
Sorry for the ramble guys, I have had things on my mind all day and just needed to write some stuff out. I have a lot of reactions to share about the story, I suggest reading it, it really is great and you can really get a feel for someone who is so fucking lost on how they feel inside and struggling to find themselves. I think I am past that point now, its just getting to the point where I share who I am along with accept it.
Okay, I need to pass out. I have to work in the morning and be a good host for the rest of the weekend. I'll talk to you fools next week.
I wanted to give you guys a quick update as I sit around waiting for my flight. I keep punting the issue with my girlfriend down the line but after this week things will be much more evident in how things are going to play out.
Here is a jam to listen to while I lay my week out for you guys. It asks the age old question of "Do you like Bass?" I have to admit there was a time in my life where I was afraid of loud noises now I have my bass cranked all the way up. I have to remember to turn my music down when I pull into work, people stare. Anyways, this will be playing at my friends and I party this weekend at some point.
Work: Sucked, had some meetings getting a little too dramatic over the week and my team looked less than prepared
Travel: In an awesome area so that helped make up for the shitty work week. If only PNW guy hadn't moved away, I probably could have met up with him.
Future Travel: Have tentative plans to meet RJ, finally. We will see if things pan out. So then I can join the ranks of bloggers meeting other bloggers. Except he doesn't blog anymore and since my rebirth in the blogging world, my new readers don't know who he is. I wish you had the chance, he is a great guy who got me through a lot of shit. He posted a comment a post or 2 back.
GF: This weekend will be a big tell. Things have been rocky emotionally for her but I am riding out the storm and will update you guys when I have a cohesive story to tell.
Weekend: Set up to be one the best in a long time. When I get home this afternoon one of my best friends will be waiting at the airport having flown in from home and we have some great stuff planned for our long weekend. The GF will be around and I am going to be making a conscious effort to work on things, I just have to keep my head when the fun starts. I tend to get wrapped up in the moment and next thing you know I have buying rounds of shots and not being the most attentive... well not even forming real words.We are working on keeping that to a minimum.
Me: Who knows guys.... It is a grab bag in here. But alright I am out. I have some first class beverages to suck down on my flight today. Getting picked up at the airport has so many benefits.
