The crack.

There is a scene in Ted (horrible reference for what is about to come, honestly, a teddy bear humping everything is site leading into this post is just ridiculous) where Mila Kunis looks at Mark Wahlberg  and her eyes convey defeat as they stand in the middle of the street and she asks for car keys back and Mark looks defeated as she drives away. I watched  Ted for the first time this weekend with Dani and the look in Mila's smoking hot eyes (couldn't resist) jumped off the screen and sent a shudder up my spine....

You know the drill. Press play.

1:30 am on a Sunday morning
I am in a standoff like I have never been in my life. Currently planted firmly in the road blocking Liz's path searching her eyes for a sign of what is to come, as she searches mine for god knows what, I just wish I could show it to her and end this. She is in town on girls weekend and while things have led up to this moment, something snapped minutes ago, that led to us yelling at each other in front of the bar, then down the street after she stormed off, and again in the intersection where we currently stand. Our breathing calms down as she sobs and I silently cry on the street corner. In my mind a million things are racing around, how did we get here? we are not these people, never have been. We were the happy couple. But here we stand with her best friend 20 feet away silently pretending to be preoccupied with her phone making sure Liz doesn't run off into the night. I stand there pleading with my eyes, asking if we can please go back to my place and talk about this. She is defiant but eventually gives in to me due to the cold and the drizzle that is falling, blanketing the bar district in a cold sense of emptiness that I can also feel swelling from somewhere inside me. I meant what I said, but this fight is so much bigger than our current discussion on my friends and how fucked our plans got. I tried so hard to be accommodating but this weekend was destined to fail and there is too much back story to explain why. But I had been honest to god trying my hardest to make it work, but past issues of insecurity and lack of trust come surging to the surface the moment Liz's armor is cracked. But I deserve that, I really do. We are damaged goods but we end up back at my place talking about things, all kinds of things. Why we fought, me being unahppy in my current job/location, my relationship with my mother, her parent, every issue in our relationship...

Almost every issue.

We spend the night together and talk. Things seem somewhat better and I am much happier when she is around than when she is not. She leaves that morning to go back to her friends but I come over later in the afternoon bring food to cure their hangovers along with a broken confidence, but for her best girlfriends they let me back in, I spend the afternoon watching her sleep clutching to my leg as I half watch a movie. When she sleeps she hold on to me like a child clutching their favorite toy in order to protect it from some kid who may come along and snatch it from them. But for now I am here, steadfast, not going anywhere and she sleeps. The weekend ends and life goes back to the regular routine with us apart and we talk and things seem eternally broken, phone calls are short and the rooms feels colder as we talk but slowly we work on things. I assure her that we can work through this... we have been through worse, but it wears on me, I start to become worn down and entertain possibilities. But the change comes suddenly on her end. It takes this past weekend for me to see she really is coming back to me. But at that point it is too late, Wednesday has happened already.

For now all I know is that I love her, and want to be with her. But I am not sure that will ever be truly enough. Emotionally, I feel whole. But there is something that will always be a part of me that she doesn't truly understand, but I never really gave her a fair shot....

GND.