Word Vomit

So if you read my last post from this morning you know I have a friend visiting. She is currently passed out on my couch (whiskey will do that to you) anyways this is a post I need to get out right now while I have the liquid courage to do so.

I have been reading Crosscurrents by Adam Phillips and it has opened up a whole host of emotions for me. I am not sure what to react to first, their is so much on my mind. But the thing I am going over now is open and frank conversation that the main character has with his father. It got me thinking.. the entire story has me thinking, but those chapters in the middle really have me perplexed. I can't sleep right now because so much shit is running through my mind.

First off I am planning on telling my friend who is here about my orientation and how I dated a guy in college and how all of this relates to things Liz (my GF, there I finally named her, I was tired of saying my GF over and over, that seemed like a catfish situation where she didn't even have a name) and I are going through now. So I plan on telling Dani (friend from home) a lot of this on Sunday once Liz leaves town. Dani is staying till Monday and I think it will help fill in the gaps. In high school there were some whispers and maybe somethings even louder than that and I don't really think I knew what I was until recently when I accepted the bisexual thing and telling Dani about it is a step for me.

In a weird "the world is a small place" thing Dani has become friends with a guy I knew growing up from scouts. Evan was an awesome kid that I met when I was 12 and is one of the many guys I would end up fooling around with through scouting. Evan was different though, he was cool, had his shit together and was the one who came on to me. He must be bisexual but since then we haven't spoken much. I don't remember how it started but I remember it happening many time. My most profound memory is when I arrived late to a camping weekend because of game I had that morning and when I got there and was assigned a tent (with Evan) I took my stuff over and unloaded it and was setting up my sleeping bag and next thing I know he was right behind me in the tent and had his dick out and just said man am I glad you are here. We never went past jacking each other off, but we would both ask each other what we wanted to do. I know in hindsight I was trying to push it further (who doesn't want head) but we were both scared to take it further. Anyways, Evan is the first guy I think I ever felt something for. He was cool and I loved hanging around with him and having his hand on my dick was great... but as we got later into our teens we both became less involved and since we went to different high schools I barely ever saw him. We are friends on FB but now he is hanging out with some of my best friends because of a random college connection that has led to him coming back around. I am going home in a month and will most likely see him. I have no idea why I am thinking about that now... I guess the story has just brought back a lot of memories I has suppressed or not dealt with in a long time.

I guess we all have a past, I just need to start accepting mine and telling people about it. I doubt anything will change with Dani but at this point if people can't accept me for who I REALLY am, then I don't need them in my life.


Sorry for the ramble guys, I have had things on my mind all day and just needed to write some stuff out. I have a lot of reactions to share about the story, I suggest reading it, it really is great and you can really get a feel for someone who is so fucking lost on how they feel inside and struggling to find themselves.  I think I am past that point now, its just getting to the point where I share who I am along with accept it.

Okay, I need to pass out. I have to work in the morning and be a good host for the rest of the weekend. I'll talk to you fools next week.

Guy Next Door.