Quick to Judge

Sometimes I forget about this side of me. Not the bisexual side, because that really isn't a side of me, it is just part of who I am. But the blogger side, I forget I have his online diary of sorts and that through this I have met some pretty awesome people. I am going somewhere with this, I promise.

This weekend I was doing this online survey, to get some free itunes money. (Not a huge scam, it works, so only a small scam) Anyways, one of the questions was do you have any friends you have met online but never in person. I, of course, instantly hit no and think about all those losers who play WOW in their mom's basement. But about 20 seconds into my judgement I begin to think... wait... I am that kind of person. I have a few people I talk to every once and a while and check in on and see how they are doing. So that right there I would say qualifies me to answer that question. BUT on top of that, one my closest friends, I have never met. RJ and I talk almost every day about whatever and he keeps me sane and I like to think me likewise. Mostly we just give each other shit and talk about work and other BS, but this guy has helped me through some serious shit and he is the only person I talk to about everything. So I clearly qualify for the yes answer on that question, and I scrolled back up and changed my answer.

So, along with my new life direction, looking at the positive and good in life (its pretty easy to do today since I got a raise) I also want to try to judge less. Something I am pretty bad at. But this post is not about that, this is about how I have online friends, and one online best friend. I am talking to him right now in fact. And in a running tradition I am going to share with you guys a song I have stuck in my head that I really like, for which RJ would call me a little girl. But hey, I am okay with that. judge me all you want, I'll just be singing this while I get ready to go out with my bros for dinner and drinks.

Hipsters

I'm going through the motions of sunday night and wanted to post about my night last night. I didn't have jack shit planned and last min I texted a girl who lives in town to see if she was up to anything. She invited me out with her work friends and so I went over to her place to pregame, then we went to an actual pregame and then we took a cab ride (insert 20 min convo with driver about lap dances) and we ended up in one of the bar districts.

Now this bar district has a huge variety of places and we started at a chill sports bar just drinking and playing music and having a good time and I am getting to know her coworkers and their friends and having a good time. In the process of this I have two shots bought for me, one by one of the girls we are there with who as the night goes on becomes obviously infatuated with me... had to throw the girlfriend card more than once and by the end of the night all she could say was if only you were single....  Not going to happen, she was nice but I'm in it to win it now. And the second shot was from a rather short gay friend of hers. Who also was "warm for my form". This was the first time a guy had ever bought me a drink to hit on me (as far as I know) and I really don't care and it isn't like the guy was all over me trying to make me uncomfortable but he told my friend he was into me and she informed him I would not be returning the feelings. Not even behind closed doors would this guy have been my type with his skinny jeans and being much shorter than me, but a shot is a shot.

So after about an hour or so of getting good and drunk we shifted bars and wound up at this hipster bar where they had an outside dance venue and we just went out in the center of this huge group of hippies and hipsters and drank PBR and danced with them. This was the kind of music that was just beats in the background that shifted from song to song without there ever being a lyric. I honestly have not had that much fun in along time so after spending all our cash at the bar and dancing like a bunch of white fools me and two of the girls called it a night and split a cab home just before bar close.

I am going to have to go back to that bar, but you have to be in the right mood (hammered) to really enjoy it as a non hipster.  I was definitely one of the only people who had showered twice that day in the bar but they really like to get down. In honor of those dirty hipsters who know how to get down and don't really care what anyone thinks here is a hipster jam. (At least that is what this website says, I am not a hipster so I don't really know)

In other news my sister and mother are speaking again and my dad is doing somewhat better. Im getting ready to set up an appt to talk to someone because I have a lot of pent up anger about the whole thing and I would rather not go home for the holidays and explode at my mother in front of the grandparents.

A little cleaning house

So I just spent the night doing all the shit I should have done last night. Cleaning, went on a run, and did a little work. I also turned on the TV and watched a little bit of Playboy Club. Not a huge fan, I love Mad Men and while it took a while for Network Television to catch up to the retro trend, I really would have thought that something better than Pan Am and Playboy Club would have come from it. I don't really watch much TV anyways so I was never going to become a regular viewer but it is too bad more great shows didn't come out of this.

In the theme of cleaning house, I cleaned up the blogs I read. I got rid of some of the guys who called it quits and added a couple. My favorite new blog is Bi PNW Dude. I think it is in part because I envy the part of the country he lives in, but I really like reading his blog (I don't think I have told him that, but I do) and he seems like a really chill normal guy. Which is something I think we all strive for, normalcy.

I also added Pathologically Confused, reading about being a Med resident has been sweet and I really like his blog as well. Wish I had updated this a while ago. There are a ton of sweet blogs out there so if you are like me and stumbled into the blog world while looking for porn, stay for a while and read a little bit about one these guys. They are way more interesting than I am.

For me, the appeal of these guys is that they are a little older, more established in life. I am one of those people always looking for the next thing. Which is good in the sense that I am always working towards something but I have to constantly remind myself to stop and enjoy the shit around me. Which I do, sometimes a little too much, but I think I have a pretty good balance.

Alright. two posts in one day is a lot for me. Even though they really are not about much. Just me going off about random shit. But even while writing this my outlook has gone off 4 times for work at 11, people need to get a life (I say, as I go to check it). Well me and my dying house plants are signing off for the night. Right now I am listening to Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People.... I wasn't gonna put it on here, but why not.

Sunday Night Slowdown

Every Sunday night I do the same thing. I putter around the apartment either cleaning up or packing depending on the week and really get hardly anything done at all. During this time I drink more beer than someone who is alone should and listen to whatever music I discovered on Pandora that week.  This is one of my favorites from this week.

And then eventually I get into bed with my lap top and read some of the wrap up about college football that weekend and start to realize that I have stayed up entirely too late to be functional at work tomorrow. To make matters worse I usually don't go to sleep then either. I just moan about it in my head. At some point in here there is a phone conversation with the gf, where we talking about what we did today and all that boring shit.

Then finally when I am ready to pass out I pull up Post Secret and look over the new secrets for the week. There is something about that website and the honesty that it contains that draws me in. I read every secret, usually twice, and then I am finally ready for bed. I know some other guys have talked about post secret before and I believe I have mentioned it as well, but I am really blown away by some of the stuff on there, it touches every human emotion and can sometimes expose things I didn't know were still bothering me. A couple years ago I went to one of the events and it was awesome to be there looking at secrets in person and seeing how much effort people put into exposing their secrets to the public. This blog is kind of like my postsecret but there are still things I wouldn't write on here but may one day send in as a postcard.

Anyways, I really enjoy that website and the release it gives me. Other things I am enjoying right now, fall weather, pumpkin beer, and the fact that Nebraska thought they would win the Big Ten their first year in the conference and they got put in their place this weekend. My thoughts aside on the changing landscape of college sports, I love to see someone put in their place. 

Keep on, keeping on guys.

Out with the old

So instead of finishing my posts I decided to write a new one first. As I have said, my life has changed a lot over the course of this summer but I think I am adapting pretty well. But I have decided to stop focusing on the maturity that has been thrust upon me by the situations I find myself in and focus on enjoying the things around me. My new friends in this new city, my ability to just take off for a weekend and do something, and my ability to stay relatively sane.

Luckily for me I have had some great support from multiple areas of my life. My new friends I started with at work and some of the people on my team, a couple of my best friends from the blog world and real world, and a little bit of alcohol never hurt. Okay there was a lot of drinking and more tears than I care to admit, but I am only human. And moving forward things will be different.

Anyways what I want to get out of this post is that I have adapted to my new surroundings and still have a lot to say on here, I just had to get used to everything this summer. Now that those days are over and I am wearing sweaters to work (because I am too lazy to iron) I can focus on enjoying the fall, college football, and this new chapter of my life. And I think my dick will be enjoying this time of my life too, soo look out for those updates.

PS. To the reader who called me out today. Don't worry, no more posts about how I am not writing.

Here is a song to end of summer fellas. I hope you all take the end of summer as well as I am.

Unfinished business

I just counted, I have 8 unfinished posts in here. I suck at this. I am gonna finish at least on, if not two after work today. Last night I stayed late at work and then came home and did more work. I now regret bitching about my workload in college. I would go back in a heart beat. But I am still loving living alone and the world of being an adult but I am ready for a few months of nothing changing. From may to August so many things in my life changed, from where I live, my friends, my daily routine, and my parents signed their separation a few weeks ago and I am the only one speaking to my mom right now so things are strained to say the least. 

I think back to graduation and I am slightly amazed at how my life got here so fast. Anyways I will update this afternoon, not that anyone really reads this.

Never look back...

So the title of this post is somewhat misleading, but it is something I think about. I have been traveling on and off for my job and this increase in travel has brought to the surface something I used to think about a lot. There are 300 million plus people in this country, and while technology makes things harder this day, I have always wanted to just get on a plane and disappear. poof. gone. No more snowsportsguy. Just toss my cell phone and start over. Live a whole new life, in a new city. Be the guy I want to be. That is the thing about this dream or idea though. I always picture myself living one step ahead of where I really am. with a better body, more money, and this awesome life. It just seems so care free. I know it isn't real. But on some level I am ready to get out of the heartland of the country, live in a costal city and be an asshole for lack of a better word. But something holds me back.... I guess it is my heart. I am too close with my family and the gf has really become something special to me. We have really grown together and it has been awesome. And even though my life is great, I secretly long to get on that flight to who knows where and just live a whole new life.... but that isn't reality.

So instead I am going to try and sleep because I have to get up pretty early for a long day of work tomorrow and slowly work towards my real dreams. (currently my dream is to take a sweet ski/board trip this winter, I'm saving up so I am hoping it happens)

I think I am going to start writing on here more again. Not sure what it will be about, but I have stuff to talk about, I really don't care anymore if anyone reads it. I just want to write to get things out of my head. That being said, I wish anyone who reads this the best of luck, and if you happen to be in an airport and see a guy zoning off with blue earbuds in, it might just be me.

MIA

Wow. It has been a while, and I regret that fact but I have been somewhat distracted recently in my life. I am currently working through my parents separating and have had other family stuffy going on this summer. This has lead to some spill over into other areas of my life including my new job and my relationship. Things are pretty much back to normal at work and I will start traveling here soon, so hopefully I will be able to update from many a hotel room across the USA while on business travel.

This is by no means the way I thought my first summer out of college would be going, but I guess we are all forced to grow up when we least expect it.

 I have 5 posts started that are not finished, I feel like failure. But I will update more, it is helpful in sorting out my feelings.

Last things, shout out to RJ for the year mark. I can't thank you enough for everything man.

Real World

Graduate, find a job, and become a productive member of society. Got those things handled. I am done with school for the time being, I have started my job, purchased insurance and all those other grown up things. And now what...

Anyways I am a few days into the job and I like it so far. Good company and good coworkers. We had an orientation event last week and then some of us got together and hung out this weekend so that was cool. A lot of us are new to the town and having friends my age is nice. One of the things I was looking forward to the most about leaving school was living alone. I'm still on the fence about it, I love having a clean place when I come home and I don't mind washing my dishes because I know they are mine but I am not used to all the quiet. It is going to take some adjustment.

Well this is just a quick update, I can't really fall asleep early yet so I just suffer at work but before 1 is an improvement. I have a few things to update you guys on with friends if anyone actually cares, well actually I am going to write to clear my head about shit but I don't want to rehash that right now. For now I am going to try and sleep.

Hope you guys have been well. Here is a tune I have been digging.

My Life

So it is a monday and I am posting. This just is a week later than I said I would post so I want to apologize for that. Not that anyone really cares, but I still want to say it. Anyways as school is wrapping up. As in I have 8 classes total left and then two exams starting later this week and then I graduate and move all my stuff to my new place and start a new life for myself.

I have a lot to say about that and I imagine as I get settled in my new city I will post a lot because  will be living alone won't have nearly as much going on. Right now I am trying to balance my time between my last bit of school work, making the most of the night with my friends and having good time with the GF before I move away.

Things with us are going much better now and I am optimistic about our summer even with us living in separate places. Only time will tell there. Anyways this is really just a filler post, I am avoiding a 5 pg paper on a book I have not read. But this is at least the last of those I will ever write. Anyways guys I hope everyone is getting to enjoy this nice weather (no tornados) and I will be back in a couple weeks.

Postsecret

I read postsecret every sunday and one this week was pretty fitting. I know the voice this guy is talking about, but I am willing to bet once he does it once the voice will only get louder.

Hope you guys all had a great easter. Ill post tomorrow to talk about mine.

I almost made this post Rebecca Black themed.

So it is Friday and thanks to Ms. Rebecca Black we all now have a really great song to sing about it. And while that is reason enough to make this post about her song because it is Friday (yesterday was Thursday, I'm glad she made the song educational) that is not the approach I am taking.

I had a true Rebecca Black decision to make this week. She was so concerned about what seat to take in the car with her 13 yo friends (NO seat, they can't drive, this is a car accident waiting to happen). Her options being the front or back. I made a very similar decision this week as I had to choose from two different job offers. Yep, two companies wanted to hire my perpetually hung over but still hardworking butt to work for them. I would say that the first company was more like the front seat, more business professional and had a much older group of people working for them where as the company for the back seat is much younger and much more of a casual work environment. The backseat company was also in a cooler city and offered the chance to do work I am more interested in.

So which seat did I take?? The backseat. I really felt it was the right place for me and I am really pumped about it. I am most likely starting in the middle of the summer so I will have time to live a little before I enter the working world. Anyways guys this is just a short post. I have to run to class and then it is time for drinking to start for the weekend. Have a good one guys. I promise to not complain as much on here anymore, my life is going in a good direction and I am determined to enjoy my twenties. I hope everyone has a #winning weekend.

This is a throw back drinking tune that I am a little obsessed with. 

A thousand different directions

My life is headed in a thousand different directions right now and I really need to be asleep but I can't sleep. I am out of town and the beds in this hotel are not comfortable. So instead I am writing this. Well I am actually not writing anything and I should be studying for one of the last midterms I will ever take but I am not. So here I am typing out my thoughts.

After my last post I need to clarify some stuff about GF2 and I's relationship. One, we are not that serious. We are serious in the fact that we don't sleep apart at night unless we really have to and that we know each others routines and I know that if she had a tough day at school she will go straight to the gym but if her classes went better than expected she will wait for me. Which brings me to my next thing, we are coming to a major cross roads and while I talked about the future before, we both know that is a long ways off. I will be leaving in less than two months most likely for a city that is either 5 or 6 hours away depending on which job offer I accept (yes I have two pretty much in the bag, hence me being gone right now, but I still don't know where I will be) and she has to stay. She has a long term commitment (read graduate school) at the same place we went to Undergrad. So that pushes any talk of the future far off into the future.

Some things I know for sure about my future is that I will be employed after I graduate. The fact that the actual date is less than two months away freaks me out, but still I will have a job And I have decided that in a few years I want to go back to school to get my MBA. I am staying more to the west for my potential careers so heading back east to get my MBA would be great as long as my family is still around.

Okay in summary. I liked that GF2 talked about the future because after everything went down I was worried shit was unfixable. I have gotten my act together in the relationship as well and I plan on enjoying it for the next two months. When I move, I will let whatever happens, happen. I will be moving because by June 1 I will be employed somewhere with a salary. I also at some point plan on going back to school. Thats all for now. This post was all over and I apologize for that. Sometimes I write these and forget you guys don't have the whole story. I won't be having kids anytime soon, so no worries.

Random fact of the day. In the last 5 weeks I have been to over 1/5 of the states. Lot of miles on the road. Anyways have a good one guys and I promise to write more later. Hope you enjoy this song. Tyrone is pretty great.

Update and some thoughts on manners.

Just a quick update as I am just stopping in for some lunch before I head out again for the day, but I wanted to blog more as my big life decisions get closer. In that area GF2 and I have been all over the place this week. We have had some trust issues, her trusting me, after how she found out and then after I wasn't completely forthcoming about a friendship I have, but now I have been and we are working on it. But on monday a bunch of people were hanging out and she just got really upset and pissy with me and I didn't know exactly what was bothering her, but I figured it out eventually and then we talked about it and she told me it was the trust issue that got her upset. This is after her telling me she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me this past weekend and last night we went out and talked about out ideas about a timeline for engagement, marriage, and kids. This was a pretty general conversation but at 22 it kind of threw me for a loop. Anyways I am working on our future and as I head out for final round interviews in the next few weeks I will be using the drive time to sort shit out in my head.

Okay what has really been bothering me is an e-mail from a lady I work with on campus. I help her out with events around campus and I had volunteered to help with one next week, told I wasn't needed and then in the end they did need me. But to tell me they need me this lady sent me the longest back handed complement e-mail I have ever gotten. Telling me I did great last time I helped out but here are four or seven things you did that were not so good and I won't be there this time so I have assigned you a baby sitter. Anyways I can't help out cause I have an interview and will be out of town, but this bitch is only 8 months older than me and pretty much told me she needs my help but lsat time I helped I sucked. Well clearly I don't suck too much because Ill be working for a corporation making almost double what she does as administrative assistant for a college. Sorry I am being such a dick here, but I have gone out of my way to help her and her office and I didn't need her shit.

Anyways. Song time. If anyone listens to these... Well I don't really care cause this is for me. (The music that is) and this is Yellowcard's new song. I loved these guys when I was younger and I don't mind this song (okay that is a lie, a friend gave it to me and I listened to it on repeat for an hour or so). Anyways I'll write again tomorrow and I should be nice and hung over after a night out for St. Patty's day.  Have a good one guys.

Busy Busy Busy

Hey guys, hope everyone is doing well. It has been a while. I have a lot to write about and now that I am done traveling for a while I may actually have time to get some posts done this week. I can't believe I am in the home stretch of my last semester of college and I feel like it has been flying by. I am enjoying it, but the fact that in the next two to three weeks I will figure out where I will live and what my career will be for the next few years is a little mind boggling. Anyways a lot has been going on recently so I have a few different things to post about.

This is about GF 2 and I. Her and I have been having a lot more sex recently, I'm not sure why but it has happened. More so than before. I wish I could say I learned some awesome tricks or something but clearly I am doing well cause she has been waking me up in the morning early just to get some, and she loves her sleep, and this is after having sex before we go to bed the night before. Anyways because of the increase of frequency our chance of mistakes was increased as well. She had just switched birth controls so the first month you are not protected and of course, I got drunk and we had sex and in the middle of doing it the condom came off and I didn't realize. I did realize it suddenly felt better but not until after we both got off did I realize that the condom was laying on the other side of the bed from one or two position changes ago. So I realize what has happened and know that I have to say something, and then I have to get up at 3 am and start looking online at what time the pharmacy across town opens up. This is not how I wanted my night to go.

I had to go to work in the morning and thankfully her roommate took her to get it, but that morning in the shower all I could think of was having a kid. And how kids with my current gf would be pretty great and that they would be smart and good looking (hopefully) and it was just something I could actually see in my future. And all day whenever I saw little kids and when I hand with my family later that week who has little kids in the back of the mind I wondered what a bunch of little "guys next door" would be like. (I need a better name for myself... and suggestions from the few people who actually read what I write?) Anyways this transition nicely into the next couple posts about my future and was something that stuck with me. I know plan B isn't that uncommon in college (it should be, but that is a whole other discussion about our generation, I don't care if you have sex but it really isn't that hard to get condoms, you can get them for free walking to class some days) but the whole thing made me think of my future and it cemented in my mind the idea that I want 2 or 3 kids and I want them to be biologically mine. I think....

Anyways guys that is it for now. Here is a great song that has nothing to do with my post but I have had it stuck in my head the past couple days.

Hormones

My Hormones have been off the charts recently. I will get some with GF2 and then a few hours later be looking for more. And the frustrating thing is I am really looking for a little man to man action. At least that is what I am craving right now. The sex with GF2 is getting better than it has been ever and it is also much more frequent but in my down time I find myself with a hand down my pants thinking about having my other hand down some other guys pants. I really wish that I had a chill guy who I could just kick back with and get off with every once and a while. I have tried that a few times in college, 1 turned into BF1/Jake, another guy was chill for a while till his guilt for enjoying sucking a guy off got to him, and the third guy ended up being an ass. So over 4 years my three attempts have gone down in flames every time and I am left with my hand and some porn.

That isn't my only issue, I can't determine what I am looking for. Right now I am just coasting as I try and figure out my plans for next year. I have interviews in the next two weeks, so hopefully things will start to shape up for me. I feel like that is the theme of all my posts these days. I am stuck in idle and while my life sits in a spot of uncertainty, my dick is ready to jump out of my pants and play with whatever is around. This is much better to last semester where I got so stressed about my future I didn't even think about sex for  two weeks till I snapped out of it.

Luckily for me I have a ski trip and and a spring break in FL to look forward to. Until I go on my vacations I am just going to try and relax. In other news I HAVE to talk to Kyle this week about how mad at him I after he fucked me over. It is sad that I can barely be in a room with him without getting mad, and I really have not had time to talk to him because we have very opposite schedules and there are always people around if we are both home. I need to man up though, and I have a deadline.

What I really need to do is finish writing out my college years because if you have read this from the start  or at least from this post you think I am a total man whore. Which upon reflection, my freshmen year will not help you think otherwise, but I have calmed down... somewhat. That will not be happening today as I have a ton of homework to get done and want to go out after my night class (sorry this isn't my first priority, but it makes top five with booze sex school and sleep)

As for today's song, this is a new song by the lead singer of fall out boy but he is doing his own thing now. I didn't love Fall Out Boy, I saw them in concert when I went to see Blink-182 in concert and they were okay but for some reason this song has stuck with me all day today.  Depression is a little bit like happy hour, right? It's always got to be happening somewhere on any given night.

Down with the sickness

So the nation is enjoying a warm weather streak, and snow is melting everywhere and to quote my mother "I won't miss that shit one bit" thanks mom. No but anyways as the country warms up I get sick. So I am currently laying in bed watching TV on hulu. I called out of work for the 2nd or 3rd time ever today. I never do that, but as my time working there winds down I really don't care anymore.

Okay fast forward a few hours, I was typing this earlier and GF1 called to talk to me and then I went to lunch with Matt and Brad, two of my roommates who I have not really talked about much on here. We got food from one of my favorite places and then came back to the place and put a movie in. Pretty chill friday, now we are all just hanging before we go out tonight.

This post is more about me being sick than any of that. I have job interviews and lots of school work to get done in the next week so I am really hoping this cold goes away. In general I tend to get sick at the worst times, family vacations, around my birthday, the holidays and other such really inconvenient times to be sick. I don't know what it is, I guess I am just cursed. During my downtown today I did a little thinking about where I want to end up, and where I see myself in 6 months. I have so many options and can't decide what direction I want to head. Right now it is just a waiting game and I hate having my life in limbo. As for being sick I am just trying to power through and should probably drink a little less. I went out both Friday and Saturday nights but you only live once and I had a good time both nights.

Okay this post is kind of all over the place (no it is fucking everywhere, sorry about that)  and it is now Sunday and I started it on Friday. I am going to write another post this afternoon about some other stuff. This song is another pandora discovery from studying for my exams this past week, I have a thing for songs that have a guy and girl singing. Not sure why.

A litte house cleaning on Valentines Day

So it is almost Valentines Day and I am trying to get a few things in order so I thought I would give you guys an update on my life. I need to take some time to catch up on a lot of the blogs out there but between school, work, and enjoying my last semester to the fullest.

So GF2 and I did gifts tonight and made dinner together, it was nice and things are going pretty well. We got in a small fight last night but she apologized today when we started hanging out and said she realized she was being dumb. The food we made was awesome. I am a pretty good cook and can make vegetables like the best thing on earth so I worked my magic tonight and we made a great meal. She got me a massage, which I have never had and am looking forward to using after the big ski weekend I got planned this week.

Jenn (Coworker) and I talked a little bit this weekend and I sent her an e-mail a while ago just laying out how I felt about a stupid fight we had gotten into. We have not talked in two weeks really and last night went out to celebrate a mutual friends birthday so I manned up and talked to her but she was hammered so sent her a message while sober to clear everything up.

Work is not going as well as hoped, I am not meshing with my new bosses as well as I had hoped. But I wont be around much in the next month between spring break and skiing, so for now I will just deal.

I am working on my future and have applied for a few more jobs this week and have heard positive feed back, my interviews start soon. Keep your fingers crossed because I really need to get a job.

The only bad news I have gotten in a while is that I wont see my family till graduation, but I guess that is part of growing up. Anyways have a great night guys. I spent the weekend rocking out to old blink-182 while I was driving around but I doubt many of you even listen to the videos I post on here so I'm gonna skip that tonight.

Blogging > Homework

I have a paper to write, a couple readings to catch up on and then another online thing I don't even understand that is going to take some serious reading and note reading to complete so of course I have made the logical decision to write a blog post.

Nothing major but I have had some stuff on my mind. One thing that has been on my mind is kids. RJ talked about kids on his blog and that got my mind on it and then I hung out with some little kids this week (nothing creepy, I was hanging with my cousins who were passing through town and stopped to see me).  The cherry on top of this parental cake was the awesome Darth Vader commercial for the new Passat, that little kid cracks me up and I hope some day to be the dad who can make my kids believe in magic (I am too corny sometimes). But anyways I have had kids on the brain.

I am 22 and by no means ready for kids, but I know that some day in the not too distant future I will be. I want them before 30 because I want to be young enough that my kids still connect with me. I just look forward to having a little kids running around who rely on you for everything but at the same time give you way more than they know. Just the two hours with the little guys this week and they made me feel like the most important guy on earth. I know that parenting is more than just cool moments and sports boosters meetings but I have to say I think I am mature enough to handle it. And now that I am not so stressed about graduation (I have 4 more interviews coming up and one job offer in the bag) and things okay in my social life (I am still ignoring the fact that inside I can barely stand being in a room with Kyle and I need to talk him still.... one day at a time) my mind is wandering. I am enjoying a somewhat lower level of stress but that may have something to do with my always putting off my growing pile of work. This weekend will be pretty full of me studying and working but in a couple weeks I am going to hit the slopes with some friends.

Well I should shower and finish my HW. You guys stay classy.

This tune has been stuck in my head since it came on Pandora today while I was actually being productive for once. Not sure why, I have never really listened to this group but why not.

Bros day out

This week has been a good one. After the big change at work things were a little bumpy but I am giving it time. I got my first formal job offer this week as well and it is nice to just have one. That being said, I am still looking for other jobs as this one doesn't really take me where I want to go(not that I really know where that is right now, but I just know it isn't this direction)

So as I try and figure out the future I am still enjoying the present and this week I had a great day with all my old friends here at school. Me, all the roommates and then some other friends went out to lunch earlier this week and ended up getting a few buckets of beers and just sitting for 3 hours and telling stories on each other from our almost four years at school. It was awesome and no one really had anything that night so we just kept hanging out, drank some more at our apartment and then ended up talking and watching TV till we all went to bed. It was sweet to hangout with everyone, get drunk and have a good time like the old days. We are all really busy with our lives and I can't remember the last time all of us got to hang out like that.

Flash forward to today and Kyle (my roommate who told people, I have decided to name my roommates) and I along with some other people were sitting around and watching TV while we both did laundry in our building and he kept bugging the shit out of me. I have been putting off talking to him because all I want to do yell at him for being such a tool. But I will wait till I am calm. I know I need to do it but I keep putting it off.

As for GF2 and I we are doing better. We talked this week, but even today I want to go out with some friends for drinks and she has been really clingy this week I can tell she wanted to hang out. I am going to meet her later after I grab a beer or 5 and she knows this but I can tell she is pissy that I am going out. At this point I have decided not to compromise on what I want to do and let whatever happens happen.

Anyway guys have a good weekend and enjoy the super bowl, I will be cheering for the packers for the simple reason that I hate the Bears. For some reason I have had this song stuck in my head recently. Hope you enjoy.

Over it.

I am going to write a big post tomorrow. But my weekend was rather interesting. GF2 and I got into our biggest fights on Friday and then I left town on Saturday to go see some friends who already graduated. We had talked it out by then but I really needed that break. I came back on Sunday and we talked about it a little but that was it really and things are a little better. This music video kind of captures how I am feeling about my life. In the beginning everything is all put together but watch it till the end and you will see how I feel. Especially about my relationship, I feel like one of the guys who leaves and GF2 is still trying to make this work like the last girl left at the end. 

I also said bye to my boss this weekend and that didn't go as well as planned. I could use a reason to celebrate right now. 

The Coworker

How on earth is it already Thursday?  I am just writing this as a quick update between classes but I still need to shower and get ready for work before my class so this is major crunch time.

I talked about my coworker before on here and named her Jen. (that is actually a horrible name for her, but I just made myself a cheat sheet of names so I am sticking with it) First thing is we actually don't work together anymore but we used to and that is how I met her. Anyways she is friends with a completely different group of people than my normal group of friends and I really enjoy hanging out with all of them.  The feel of that group is way different from my friends. Much more bro tastic guys and girls who wear heels and dresses out and they all rage hard all the time. That being said they are really cool people and I get along with her closet friends pretty well, a lot of them are in my major so since sophomore year I have become close with a lot them.

This difference between my friends and these guys has caused some tension in the past. Especially between GF2 and Jen and her friends. See my friends are the kind of people who don't care what other people thing, ever, and can be really juvenile. They love having theme parties, but only like 15 people come... I just don't see the point. I would rather go out with friends to a bar, watch sports, talk and just hang out then dress up like characters from the nineties and sit around with our close friends. And when they have these parties I usually come (almost always straight from work) and then leave after an hour or so to go out to a bar with other people. Bottom line here is if I am going to be in costume I want to be at a packed house party with tons of other people who look just as ridiculous as me and our parties do not offer that.

That was sort of a random tangent and I don't want to sound like an ass, but I do care what people thing of me, not just appearance but more so impressions. I am a goofy ass kid and have a good time and will get drunk and cause a ruckus but even I find my friends embarrassing at some points (also almost none of them work and can be cheap so they hate going out, I work hard and I like to go enjoy my money, sorry) Okay I am really going to talk about what I wanted to talk about now. After I met Jen it took a while for us to become friends but once we did I was one of the few people she really every opened up to. There are maybe three people on earth excluding her mother, and if her mother knew everything she did I think she would have a heart attack. But overtime we have grown to be extremely close and for a long time I had very strong feelings for her and she would flirt with me and when she got drunk it would be obvious she was flirting but I never made my move (may be my downfall here) and I always had to listen to all the issues she had with the guys who were coming and going in her life. I talked to her about girl issues I had and then had to make up a cover story when Jake left hickies on my neck and she saw them but that was all we really talked about for my sex life.

Anyways I started dating GF2 and didn't explicitly tell her, I told other people at work and she came up to me and was like who is this girl, do you even like her, gave me the grill about it. I answered and I did like her and she knew exactly who she was, she was just being a bitch about it for some reason and got all pissed I didn't come tell her. Well the flirting dies down, we hang out still and nothing is an issue, then I leave for the summer and we talk every once and a while and one night while drunk before her birthday and she said stuff like this:

"You're missing my birthday and I'm more sad about that than I think I've ever been sad about a lot of things in a really long time... and I can't do anything but understand I guess... but still it makes everything a little less great" and "I miss you already... a lot which makes me wonder how in the world I'm going to manage graduation." (yeah I kept the message, it was one of the only nice things she has really said to me, it is a teasing kind of relationship) Anyways I get back from the summer and low and behold she has a BF, and didn't tell me even though we had been talking on a pretty regular basis.

I was pissed, it wasn't my place to be, but I was and now flash forward to our last semester at school and her getting drunk and me having to take care of her on multiple occasions. Like walk her home, get her in bed, and say goodnight. One night she asked me to stay (her and the bf are over now) and I almost did, but I think it has something to do with how I truly do care about her and I don't want anything random to happen if something were to happen. We have talked about moving to a city somewhere together with one of our other friends but that seems like just talk. I wish it wasn't sometimes...

Alright well there is my story about the coworker. I wrote that because I am going to her place tonight to hangout and I have just had it all on my mind. Here is a song by a guy I really like and if you listen to the words he talks about the clatter between his ears. I have a lot of clatter right now. Anyways guys have a good one and thanks again for reading.

Close your eyes...

Yeah, I am drunk. It's Sunday.... say something. Anyways, I am headed to bed here in a min here at GF2's place but I just wanted to say that I have no idea where my life is going. I start this blog, shit hits the fan, I am figuring out a career, and my hormones, and my feelings. It can be overwhelming at times. I miss this past September where my college football team was going strong, I was having a great time at school, and didn't really have to deal with this.


I have always been a planner, and at every major juncture in life I could close my eyes and envision what I was looking for in the next chapter of my life. Going into high school I had my idea of what it would be like. Same with college, which is why I ended up where I am and not where most people expected me to go.  But now I face graduation, real life, its deep stuff, and I have no real set idea of what I will be doing, where I will be living, or what my life will be like. This whole issue becoming public has really made me think about my future, but it just as murky as before. I am pissed about that, I just want to figure this shit out. I applied for 3 more jobs today along with working my ass off at my job (okay I was texting a fellow blogger a lot too, but I did work pretty hard) but I still don't even know what I want to do.

Okay enough ramble for a drunken Sunday night. All I wish is that I knew what I wanted, from a lot of things. I need to learn to not stress about the future so much, but with everything that happened this weekend all I really wanted was to get out of here and be done. I am only two weeks into the semester but a guy can dream right? I will enjoy the end of my school days, trust me, but I just wish I wasn't so fucking apprehensive about the future.

Here is a song I love by a band I found on Pandora. Have a good one guys.

Update- Ups and Downs

I am sitting here getting ready for work and a lot has happened this weekend so I wanted to update you all. I am dealing with this better than I thought but I am still mad at myself and others. It is hard because GF2 deals with this pretty well but when it gets dragged out again she always gets upset (translate to I don't get any. Seriously thought how can I be thinking about that at a time like this, blame it on my age)

Now that this has all happened and I am using this blog as an outlet I feel like I need to get my college years story out there so you guys can understand. I will do that this week, but for now I will just talk about people as if you know who they are.  So after dealing with my situation with my best friend, I will call her Emily from now on, and getting really worked up Friday I got a lot of support from people. It was really nice to have people reach out to me. And I was feeling a little better and just got drunk and had a good time like nothing was bothering me. Got up the next morning and headed to work and low and behold who walks into where I work, BF1, who will now be named Jake. Jake comes in with his friends and I do not speak to him any more (long story, which one day I will write) so I avoid him and after finishing what I was doing I go to the back room and tell my co workers I just need a minute, they didn't  question me but the person I am closest with could tell something was bothering me but I played it off. That got me all worked up but I was texting a friend who I can talk to about all this and he calmed me down.

After that I was really looking forward to getting out of work and heading to the couple birthday parties I had last night. There is another story here about how GF2 and then a girl I used to work with do not get along, call her Jen, but Jen and I are really close and I take care of her like a big brother so that gets difficult. Anyways I go see Jen and end up taking her home and putting her in bed because she can't stand up and we almost end up making out. A few artful head dodges is all that saved me. ( I just decided I am going to write a post about all these people so I can sort out how I feel about them, I never realized I had so much to say till I started writing a blog). 

Anyways the big event last night was I finally had an open and honest conversation about how I feel with my closest roommate. He was totally supportive and we talked about a lot of things in my life and what is going on. We also talked about my other roommate who apparently has been telling anyone who asked, this is somewhat my fault but in the end is none of his business. He found out through a rare sequence of events and was the only friend who knew for a long time. But apparently the only conversation we ever had about it where I said I would talk about it when I am ready and for him to respect that and keep it to himself didn't set it. He tries to be caring and over break even sent me a facebook message about it, but after I found out he told the world, including people I do not like or need in my business I can barely stand to be in the same room with him.

Okay enough of this, I need to shower. So some things are looking up and I have had my first real conversation about it with one of my guy friends so that was a success. Everyone keeps pointing out that they have not treated me any different and I have great friends because they are all so accepting, and while this is true I am still pissed as hell about how this all went down and wish my business had stayed my business had stayed my business till I was ready.

quick edit- Go Packers. I can't watch the game but I hate the bears so I will be checking the score on my phone. 

Jokes on Me

I feel like I am in a black hole. I had lunch with the friend from my last post. Seems like she told a lot of people, who have now told other people. Anyways I guess I was the only one who didn't know that everyone knows I am bisexual. GF2 knows (this is a story in itself, involving the most awkward skype call of my life), but anyways I am just pissed and upset and feel betrayed. I am going to bed now and I am not sure when I will get back on here.

This was part of me that I wasn't ready to really tell people about, but I guess that doesn't really matter now. I will update you guys later on what happened, but for now I am just gonna sleep. I can't really explain how I feel. Do I just come all the way out? I don't know how GF2 would handle that. Do I just answer when people ask?  ... I don't know. I just want to go home right now and I just got back to school. And I feel like I would have to tell my family before anything drastic happens. I told two of my best friends and then now a lot of my friends know. Two of my roommates, a lot of people I hang out with. I just don't know what to do. Anyways I am going to retreat into my drunken stupor for the weekend. Have a good one guys.

thirst quenched

This is what I wrote last night, but when I went to post, my internet was not working. See my next post for a more realistic picture.

So I am home from a night on the town and rather drunk, but I wanted to follow up my post from earlier. Work was not horrible but I really will miss my boss. I talked to her almost the entire time I was there and got nothing done. She got a promotion and I am really happy for her but I can't help be a little sad she is leaving me. Okay that was work.

I went out with one of my best friends who kind of fucked me over last semester but that is a long story for my college posts. In the end she is one of two people I told about my bi sexual habit as we shall call it and between her and then BF1 and one of my roommates who found out through rather random circumstances I have been outed to a few people here. I don't really care, and the couple people who do know now have been really supportive. I wish I could be as accepting as they are. I dont know what it is, my parents would not have an issue with this and my friends would still be my friends, but I cant bring myself out of the fucking closet. Okay well this is as much drunk rambling as you guys get for the night. I have class at 9 am and have to get up and do an assignment beforehand. But I can promise I will be taking a long nap after class.

above average thirst

It's thirsty Thursday and today has been anything but normal/ fun for me and it is only 4 so tonight I will be seeking some liquid relief. Class started off normal and I was feeling surprisingly good for the amount of beer I consumed last night. Anyways I go to my class at 9 and I just start getting pissed. This is an upper level class in my major and our professor is talking to us like we are 10 year old kids that have never heard of any of these topics or heard of the comparative method. I know some people may be in their first upper level classes but still she talked to us like we were little kids with scraped knees. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest, it isn't the reason my day has been stressful.

My main job (the one that pays my drinking tab and for my books) is about to get very stressful, I have worked at the same place for 2 and a half years now, longer than anyone else there, and now my boss is leaving along with the only other person I get along with. My best friend at work quit earlier this month and her last day was my first one back from break. Now we have two new people who are going to transfer in above me and I am going to have to work with them (I know one of them pretty well, don't know the other) but a lot of things are going to fall on my shoulders. I know this because the Big Boss who made all these decisions called me today and told me he was counting on me to make this transition smooth and make sure everything works well. I set myself up for this. Last semester I was working 30+ hours a week at this job and busting my ass doing everything they asked me to with a full course load. This is my last semester and I wanted to take a backseat roll and kind of do my job, not bother anyone and be done in may. Now I have extra responsibility, no one who I like to work with, and no raise. I don't mean to bitch (actually that is all this is) but I can't quit because I do need money. I just wish I would get a job offer for after graduation and then I could tell these guys to blow me after spring break. Fingers crossed. I sent my resume to Mr. Plane so hopefully I still have enough karma to pull me through that. Alright I have to head to work but I just had to post.

In honor of me going out tonight, after I finish my homework for my 9 am class that is, I chose a song I will be raging to many a night this semester (my roommate is obsessed this song and he makes the play lists, I am not mad about this song being on the play list, I can't say that for all the songs)

Back in the swing of things

School is off and running for me and I am back at work at my job so I have completed the transformation from couch potato to hectic college student with not enough sleep and a little too much to drink the night before. Since getting back I have been busy trying to get my life in order for the semester and trying to figure out what is up with my and the girl. We shall from here on out call her GF2. I will eventually finish writing my college posts but for now I have some really random shit to get off my chest.

I don't know what the deal is with GF2, maybe all girls are like this but she loves to make out. Sometimes when we make out I get lucky and get my rocks off in one of many ways (that is about as graphic as this post will be, sorry to those looking for more) and other times we make out, and then eventually she will roll over and say she is tired and has to get up early (she does, but still). I don't get how girls can get all worked up and then just pass out. I am standing at full attention and sleep is not going to just happen. This happened last night and I ended up getting up and going into my TV room and just sitting there staring at the TV for a while (when I did pass out I had a sex dream about the main guy from community and GF2, it was weird, I don't even like that show, or find him that attractive). Another thing with her is she kinda sucks at making out (I sound like an ass) and it really bothers me, not to pat myself on the back but I have been told I am a good kisser, at least above average, but she just sucks. I am not going into detail so just take my word for it.

I think a lot of this is stemming from general frustration with the situation. In the past we have been much happier together (this has been on and off for over a year) but I am getting ready to graduate and she has grad school here where we go to school and I am just burnt out on living in a smaller college town and the lifestyle. I am ready to get back to a major city, and after break I really wouldn't mind moving close to where my parents are (not close as in their couch, but the general area) and she wants to stay close to her family who is from the area surrounding school when she does graduate.

Okay enough of my complaining, I wanted to do a little follow up for the 3 people who kept reading after those annoying paragraphs above this one. After my slightly buzzed post and talk with RJ I did a lot of thinking (not about why I took his advice, which he claimed I would in the morning) and really appreciate the comments you guys left. Anyways I am going to be more open minded and things have already started changing for me. I am a huge believer in Karma, or at least do something good and eventually something will balance that out for you. That morning after I woke up I was headed back to school and after some shenanigans at the airport with my flights it looked like they were going to have to rebook people, as a college student and I would really only be missing syllabus hand outs, I volunteered to be one of the people rebooked because at that time they were just kicking random people off the plane and a lady started crying. This was my good action and sometimes it takes a while for the reward, but this one only took about 15 mins.

A little background here, during our delay I saw a guy standing near my gate and I noticed that he was pretty good looking, dressed nicely (how you present yourself is big for me, probably more so than physical appearance) and a little taller than me (ahh that reminds me, RJ pointed out he thought I was some giant because of a comment I left on another blog, not true I am 6'1) anyways our flight got delayed again and I never saw him again. I didn't even see him board during the confusion when they plane was finally ready and thought nothing of it.

In the end they had no shows so I was on my original flight and they upgraded my seat AND I was sitting next to the guy I described up above. Turns out he is older than he looks but is really cool and him and I had a drink on the plane and just talked the entire time. He gave me his card to e-mail him because he had two job leads and he thought I was a good guy for both of them. So there you have it, give a little good, get way more in return. Nothing is going to happen with this guy but I got the feeling he may have been interested. He touched my arm a few times by the end of the flight and they lingered a little long for someone you just met. But he was a cool guy and I will take all the job help I can get. Anyways we have been e-mailing and once I get my resume done (today) I will send it off to him.

Sorry this dragged and I hope you all are having a great day. (more positive energy) Oh and the song has just been stuck in my head. Enjoy.

Being right handed

I am a little drunk right now as I write this and I was just talking to RJ of "Not so open and obvious" and he said something to me that really made me think. He told me that I can choose my sexuality as much as I can choose the fact that I am right handed. Accepting the truth of that is something that has been extremely hard for me, but I am working on it. Hence this blog where I write it all out. But this whole process has really helped me already to start sorting out my life and has exposed me to a whole different kind of gay guy.

I really have only ever seen gay guys like the one on Glee, or this one guy from my high school who was the star of Choir and now sings professionally. That is not me. I have certain things that may set me apart from your typical straight guy, but again RJ pointed out there is no typical straight or gay guy. We are all just guys and as I live my life I will come to meet all kinds of people, I just have to expose myself to them. So that is the whole point of my post, to let you know I am going to be more open this year, and my goal is to end up in a bigger city where I can meet all kinds of people. I have been wanting that for a while but I just needed to admit that my discovery of my sexuality is driving that just as much as my dream of having a good job and being busy with work and friends all the time.

Alright I will write more later, and talk about this when I am completely sober, but for now here is a song for this post. It is pretty fitting in mind and I hope you guys enjoy it.

The Parental Units

Okay, I am taking a little break from my history (I'm back at school now and plan on posting my college posts once I am really back in the school mindset) and I want to talk about my family for a little bit. My parents are awesome, I couldn't ask for better parents. They have given me just the right amount of freedom but are still involved in my life and talk to me about everything. (almost everything) They don't hover or constantly ask about grades but they keep me on track. They also provide just enough financial support for me work hard at my job and support the lifestyle I like. (my lifestyle is a future post, I already started it but I think this post is important)

I have read a couple other blogs where guys have talked about their relationships with their parents and I feel really selfish for not telling my parents, but I just don't feel comfortable doing it and maybe one day but for now I am keeping them in the dark. They would still love me and treat me no differently but I just don't want to tell them. My other issue with telling them is my whole troubling past and the therapy I went through, I denied my sexuality outright. I was emphatic that I was not gay or bisexual, but I know they would understand as that was years ago but it still leaves me feeling guilty. And while my parents and sister would be totally fine with it, I know my extended family would not, and my extended family is a big part of my life. Wow, after putting that in writing I feel like I am limiting myself for my family, but I really don't feel like I am. This is a personal decision and this is what I am going with for now.

As for my relationship with my parents individually, things couldn't be better. My dad and I talk almost everyday, sometimes for longer and other times for only a couple minutes but it happens almost every single day. We just call each other to check in, see what is up and bounce ideas off each other. I talk to him about issues with friends and the girl I am seeing, and he talks to me about work and my sister (we don't talk that much, also a post of its own someday) and sports. Now that college football is over I am not sure what we will do because we talked smack about each others schools a lot. (I have a huge family history with a university at home and I didn't even apply, that was an awkward Thanksgiving with my grandparents but I am at the right school for me) As for my Mom, she is pretty busy and it is harder to get her on the phone but I talk to her one to two times a week and when I am home I talk to her all the time. My relationship with them is one of the things that is drawing me home after I graduate (not to live on their couch, but to the area I grew up in, I can't live at home again)

I couldn't ask for better parents, I really couldn't but I also just don't see myself telling them about this side of me. I don't know why, but I don't want anything to change between us or to develop a strained relationship with my father that some of the guys who blog have. I guess I will have to figure me out and then figure out my relationships from there.

As for a song for this post I chose Linkin Park because my parents love these guys ("My mom is a 'cool' mom, not a regular mom" sorry couldn't resist the mean girls quote, and the bi sexual in me comes out) along with a lot of other great bands, but the lyrics to this song are really fitting.

Can't let it go.

After a day of not moving for about 8 hours the last of my friends cleared out of my house at about 8:30 last night. We spent the day hanging out, eating, and watching TV. (I did not get to watch the Seahawk game, but I just want to say that them winning shut a lot of people up, including my friends who are Giants fans, I understand they had a losing record but divisions are divisions) Anyways I was a little stir crazy from not moving the entire day so I showered and jumped in the car to go to GF1's party. It is a little far from my house but I told her I would stop by earlier in the week when we ran into each other so as a man of my word I drove out there.

Seeing as we went to different high schools and that some of her friends go to school pretty close to home I only know about 3 people at this party when I get there. I talk to these three people and then sit down and have run out of things to do besides focus on the beer I have. People wanted to play drinking so GF1 was looking for cards and I offered to help so that I could remove myself from one large room of people I didn't really know. We go upstairs to look for them and I start to have major flash backs to that summer. I helped her look in a couple rooms but then she moves into the master bedroom and I go in but it was too weird to be back in that place with her (lot of good and a lot more bad memories of us in that room) Now I am in the mindset to think about that summer, and her, and I am drinking,  so I am just wondering where this night will lead. We start playing a game and I get to know some people at the party so things are looking a little better.

Around 11:30 a couple people show up at the party and I look up and think to myself that the guy who just walked in looks really familiar and is pretty good looking and then the light bulb clicks. This is one of the other guys from that summer (and no not one I hooked up with, one GF1 got down and dirty with) And after that I just got pissed. Something about him being there and the fact that I was not as special to her. I knew they still talked and don't have anything against him personally but he fucked my ex and I wasn't really over her. Now as I write this I start to question if I am now, she has the ability to get to me to this day and it has been over 5 years since we last dated.

I guess my issue with GF1 is I can't totally let go of the past, when I write about college you will see there are some people I have completely let go of, but for some reason she sticks with me. Alright well the song for this post came on shuffle while I was driving home from her place and I love it so enjoy the song, if you made it to the end of the post that is.

Last night out with friends

Went out last night with my friends from home. It was a good time and we had a ride home at the end of the night so we got a little wild. My friends and I were all drinking and the place we were at has more of an older crowd, not you typical 20 somethings hang out but we were all there so it was good. Anyways I was having a great time just getting drunk and loud as I normally do and then more friends show up, these guys were older than us in school but we all get back together over breaks and it is always good to see them every once and a while.

The reason I am posting this is that when my extended group of friends came Gym buddy came walking in. I don't know what it was, but seeing him really pissed me off. I think it is because of this blog and reliving all those events from our past. Him and I did not stop hanging out on a good note but have been civil when every gets together for years. I guess it was just me thinking about it and my frustration with him and me practically going back to him begging every time to let me hang out with him by the end. I am not that kind of person at all and so I was more mad at myself. Well at least my consolation is that he has let himself go and I think I look better than I did back then (I can be a tool, sorry).

Just had to get this off my chest, it was bothering me all night and I have had it on my mind. Hope you guys have a great day. My song for this post is one of my favorite things to run to DJ Milkman.

The summer before college

I want to start this post by saying I am not looking forward to going back to real life and school next week. Over break I have been going out every night with friends staying out till about one then I come home and dick around on the internet till about two, pass out and wake up around 10 or 11. More internet till I finally get up around noon and start my day. Once school starts I will be done with my first class at the time I have been getting up. Then throw work into the mix I am fucking busy. I will still have time for fun and I will for sure be making time to blog.

Anyways enough bitching about me going back to real life. But this is my last break ever really because I will graduate and hopefully be employed starting shortly after. To talk about this summer I first have to talk about how I picked my college, of the nine of us in my friendship group, six of us got into the same school and could have had a boy meets world situation going on where we all went together. This did not happen and I am glad it didn't because I still really enjoy my friends from high school, I am extremely close with them and this break has reaffirmed that they will be my best friends for a long time. (Man do I ramble sometimes) Anyways all of us ended up scattering around the country and I went to a school without anyone I really knew. I sort of knew a couple people on campus before hand and I hung out with them when I got there but I really made my own friends. Okay I am getting ahead of myself this is supposed to be the summer before college.

So I know that I am headed off to college in two months without anyone from home so this summer goes a little crazy. It starts with a huge party week at the beach, hence the guy I put on here. And I had actually forgotten this till I started writing but vacation buddy came back for that week because he knew a ton of people and he wasn't in my house but we met one night and got off on some back road in my car. (It's amazing what this blog is bringing to the front of my mind) I also fooled around with the girl of "my dreams" that same week. I had known Dream Girl as I will refer to her since elementary school and by high school there was a little tension there but nothing ever happened till we drank a bottle of liquor and rolled around on her bed in the house and just fooled around a little bit. It wasn't till we got back that we had sex in the back seat of my car.  (My car has seen a lot of action) I have not seen her in years but I still think about her a lot, not sure why, we never dated and only hooked up those two times but she was "that girl" growing up and I guess I was infatuated with her and still am a little bit.

After I got back from the beach my summer took off, I was working part time and hanging out with my friends and then GF1 and started hanging out again. She was having almost weekly house parties and I would show up later in the night, she would be drunk, I would pound shots, we would hook up, get in a fight and I would end up sleeping in the basement or leaving. We still look back to that summer and wonder what the fuck was going on, if only people knew.

This was also the summer I found craigslist and during that summer I had better luck on there than I ever have. I met two different guys. The first we will call Tim. Tim had just moved here after graduating from College and was what I look for in a guy. Totally masculine, cool, easy to talk to, a little more built, and a little older. That has always been what i found attractive in a guy, a nice body and a few years on me. Anyways we started talking and I went up to the hotel he was staying at till he found a place and we hung out for a few hours until we finally fooled around for hours as well. He was the first guy I showered with, and if a guy has a nice body seeing those muscles wet is fucking awesome for me. Well the next week or so I went back and this time it sucked... he acted like fooling around with me and then fucking me was a favor and afterward told me to shower and hit the road. So that was that with Tim.

The next guy we will call Charlie. Charlie was closer to my age but was going to school and working at the same time and had a baller place in the city. He brought me over and we hung out there once, then we ended up getting hotel rooms two times to hang out. But he had some serious guilt issues and we stopped talking. He deleted me on facebook a few months ago, I only know cause I liked his job and would check up on him every once and a while but he was just a cool guy I could kick back with. (Sidenote here but it is really bothering me, I am listening to today's hits on pandora and it keeps playing christmas songs every once and a while. WTF. its January. Sorry had to get that out)

There were a couple other hook ups, both guy and girl. I went a little crazy. The first thing I did when I got to school was get tested, clean bill of health but cant be too safe. I always play safe but you get scared. The big things from this summer was I realized GF1 and I would not be ending up together, she is a great girl and I saw her last night when I was out with my friends but still she is a little much for me to handle at times. One thing I did battle with this summer was the guilt feeling after hanging out with a guy. I would get in my car to drive home and be overcome with a huge amount of guilt and disgust. Wish I had blogged back then to help deal with it. But I overcame it and had a good summer overall. I look back and feel like a huge man whore that summer because of what I was willing to do both with GF1 and others to get off but hey they call it growing up for a reason. Anyways this was again a rather long post. College is going to be broken up. I hope I find some time to do it, this has been like a cleanse. Yesterday I was out driving and actually drove by the hotel where Tim and I hung out and that is saying something cause its about 45 mins away and all I could think about was coming home and starting this post.

Okay last but not least is the song of that summer. This was a hard one, I got my laptop for college that summer and I looked through my itunes to figure out what I was listening to then and ended up with this song.

Part 2

I want to start by apologizing for the horrible writing in my posts. I am writing these as they pop into my head and I don't really want to go back over them and edit them. At school I feel like all I do is write papers and then spend hours editing them, I have not made the same kind of commitment to this blog. (sorry) But I hope you all are enjoying it now.

High School was awesome for me, but at the same time I had a huge internal conflict. And after reading other blogs a lot of other guys seem to have had similar experiences because of our situation. I only went to High School with maybe 20 kids from my middle school because of zoning which was the largest factor in me actually enjoying HS. I now have a class of over 600 kids to start fresh with, and that is just what I did, I made friends who were in a couple of my classes and by the first day had people to sit with at lunch so things were already looking up. GF1 and I didn't go to school together, but we would talk every day on AIM and the phone and on the weekend our parents would drive us to see each other. Things were going good for me and I just ignored that question about guys that was lingering up in the back of my mind.

So freshmen year went on and things were good except now I was seeing Vacation friend from my last post around school (he didn't go to my middle school) but I just ignore him and the thoughts in my head about being with both guys and girls. Well after about six months of not going to school together GF1 and I broke up, we had grown apart because of the no school things but this relationship was by no means over. I two other girls freshmen year but nothing major. And the year ended.

Sophomore year I got back with GF1 probably 3 times. We were each others closest friend and it was hard being apart but at times hard being together. (We are now really good friends and sometimes fall back into it, if you have read all my posts she is the one I made out with over thanksgiving break) Anyways sophomore year was a big year for this blog too because vacation friend IMed me one day while I happened to be jacking off and was talking to me about school and some other random shit and he brought it up again and he asked if I ever thought about what happened. I said yes and we ended up talking and then decided to meet in a park that was between our houses. So I walk there nervous as shit. We meet on a path in a pretty wooded area, and we end up in the woods and we blew each other. I was freaking out inside, it felt good, and he was good looking, played football and was popular, I was not sure how I felt. Anyways I went home and we ended up doing that somewhat frequently. This year also marked the year that I really started forming my close group of friends. It spanned 3 grade levels, and through this group I also started drinking and smoking. (I quit smoking a long time ago, but it is going to be relevant in a little bit)

Junior year was even better than sophomore and I could barely believe it. Vacation friend ended up leaving with his family before this year so that was gone and GF1 and I got back together for the last time. I till remember the night I lost my virginity to her, it was also the night I got my drivers license and we went to a random house party and did it on an office floor. How special. I don't regret it, the setting could have been better though. This year the friendship group changed and we continued to have a good time. GF1 and I broke up for the last real break up around Christmas that year and I just focused on grades for college and having a good time.

With vacation friend being gone my mind has really been clear of my bisexuality for a while but then GF1 and I broke up and I start to wander. In the end there was a guy in my group who friends of people I was friends with so we were not that close but we ended up belonging to the same gym. And after a while started going at the same time and then hanging out after we went to the gym. And then I was blowing him, and not just once, but a lot. I look back on this time with mixed emotions, he was an ass to me a lot and yet I came back for more and I would always get myself off afterwards. Anyways things got messy, people started to talk, so we stopped. Or so I thought.

This is soooo fucking long. I apologize, but only one year left. Senior year our group shrank and there were 9 of us in my grade who became extremely close, good mix of guys and girls and we did almost everything together or in smaller subsets of the group. I think I had maybe 2 classes that one of them wasn't in and that is just because I took AP classes they didn't. This year i was single the whole year and I made out with some girls at house parties but at the same time was getting off to bi porn at home and wondering what I was doing. This was not a phase and I clearly liked sex with both sexes. This year was stressful because of the picking colleges aspect of life and then just trying to make it live up to my amazing Junior year. In the end it did and I still get together with my core group of friends from high school every time I am home. During my search I went to visit gym buddies school and I wasn't staying with him but I ended up drunkenly meeting up with him and he popped my other cherry. This is much more of a regret but we learn from our past and I moved on.

Okay this post is hella long and I appologize for that. I am gonna do a shorter one tomorrow on just the summer before college because it was rather eventful. It involves all the people so far mentioned and with it being the shortest summer I have ever had almost everyday had something big going on. So now I leave you with a song from high school.